Sportsman’s Daily’s Hall of Records Keeper Found Face Down in Pool of Own Vomit
BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Parker Boyd, the longtime Sportsman’s Daily records keeper, whose illustrious career spanned fifty-one years, is dead. He was 74.
Boyd, who just last week signed a three year contract to remain on as the company’s official archivist, was found by nighttime custodian Jerry Martinelli.
“I was cleaning the toilets in the men’s executive restroom when I heard some gagging, then an enormous thud,” Martinelli said, tears streaming from his left eye (Martinelli has a glass right eye). “I went to see what had happened – and there was Mr. Boyd, on the floor, face down in a sizable puddle of his own puke. He was clutching a copy of an absolutely hilarious 1977 story on Yvonne Goolagong in his left hand and part of a ham on wheat with tomato and mayonnaise in the other. I would have tried to revive him, but I’m allergic to mayonnaise.”
“This is of course devastating for us.” said TSD Editor-in-Chief, Charles Epstein. “Mr. Boyd – I’d like to add parenthetically, we all called him Mr. Boyd – had been responsible for cross referencing, carbon dating, and maintaining the integrity of every piece of satire that has been published at the Sportsman’s Daily since 1960 – long before most of the current staff were even born, let alone worked here – with the possible exception of Chet Lassiter, who is scheduled for carbon dating analysis himself.”
Very few people are allowed access to the vaults.
“No one is quite sure when the first piece of satirical material was written at the Sportsman’s Daily,” added Epstein. “But I’m told there are etchings on the wall of a hidden room that depict naked Olympians doing spectacularly funny things.”
Upon examining Boyd, Dr. Herbert Austin said it was a combination of uncontrollable laughter, poor diet and a compromised digestive system that was the historian’s ultimate doing in.
“If I’m reading a lively mash up on Goolgong whilst eating a ham on wheat with tomato and mayo, I’m likely to vomit and die in my tracks too – and I’m in marvelous shape,” said Dr. Austin. “But we’re going to have several people read the article and eat a ham sandwich just to make sure.”
Funeral arrangements for Boyd are pending.