Headless Goat Found in Topless Bar; Six Afghan Buzkashi Players Held

A friendly game of modern buzkashi, which some believe has a future in the US if they could find something more compatible with the Western palate, like lamb or turkey, to take the place of the headless goat.

ASTORIA, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The game of buzkashi, which dates back to Genghis Khan. Buzkashi, pits teams of horseback-riding Afghans wearing traditional Uzbek hats and robes, who beat each other with fists and whips for control of a headless goat. On Monday, this most savage and diverting of games, reared its (severed) head in the unlikeliest of places: among the fists and whips in an S&M-themed topless bar in Astoria, Queens.

How six fierce-looking men from a remote region in Afghanistan, clad in elaborate ethnic garb, reeking of sweat, livestock and alcohol, found themselves at the Rack and Loin remains a mystery. But they attracted little notice until their waitress finally asked what they were doing with a headless goat, which was seated on a chair at their table, in full view of an otherwise engaged afternoon “munch and lunch” crowd.

“I been at the Rack three years, I seen it all, honey,” said Faye Malone, a heavily made-up, chain-smoking 36 year old on whose monumental, unapologetically synthetic breasts the world weighed. “I literally seen a guy’s balls in a vice and a tit literally caught in a ringer. But a headless goat’s a first. I tried telling them they had to lose the goat, but I wasn’t getting through – don’t be fooled by the hats and robes and the whole 13th century vibe, every fifth comment was ‘yo this, yo that, bitch got skills,’ etc. – shit you hear from every asshole athlete or wannabe that comes through here. Just yesterday these guys were living in caves, yet they’re talking like gang bangers from Compton – go figure. So I called Sal over, the day manager.”

“I see a goat without a head I’m thinking, where’d I see this before,” said Sal, a short, powerfully built man in his late 30s. “Then it hits me, I saw it on ESPN some time back, guys on horses going at it, battling over a headless goat. Those are some tough hombres. Out of respect, I had drinks sent over and offered to have the goat cooked and served over cous cous for a late lunch. All that pulling and stretching tenderizes the meat; I was looking forward to it.”

Some fifteen minutes later the Afghan buzkashi players found themselves in a melee with a contingent of leather-clad CPAs in town for a convention. No one we spoke with is sure how it started, but as Sal noted, the mere presence of leather, whips, exotic ethnic garb and topless women tends to create a tense, hair-trigger atmosphere. Before police could arrive on the scene, a health inspector there to investigate an unrelated complaint found a drunk kitchen worker claiming to be “tenderizing” the fetid, already quite tender goat carcass, and immediately ordered the Rack and Loin shut down until further notice.

Word of the incident reached Afghanistan’s ambassador to the US, Said T. Jawad, who issued a brief statement. “While this was in many ways and on many levels, deeply regrettable, it’s a comfort knowing that Afghan athletes, while sheltered from most aspects of 16th, let alone 20th century living, are every bit as arrogant, boorish and out-of-control as big American sports stars. While we would have preferred another venue, we’re delighted to have had this opportunity to expose American sports fans to our national game. When you break it down, buzkashi has everything an American sports fan could want – it’s football, hockey and barbecue rolled into one. Once we develop rules, establish a scoring system and find something more compatible with the Western palate, like lamb or turkey, to take the place of goat, I predict we’ll look back on this incident as the moment the American public fell in love with the great game of buzkashi.”

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