Hanley Ramirez Bobblehead Comes to Life; Slaughters Family of Five
DAVIE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a story that’s shocking residents of the normally sleepy South Florida town of Davie, neighbors woke up to the grizzly realization that a six inch figurine of Miami Marlins third baseman, Hanley Ramirez came to life and wiped out the entire Vogel family.
“Total Chucky move.” said police officer Trent Newberry, a reference to the evil doll “Chucky” from the Child’s Play horror film series. “Ramirez’s diminutive likeness is a cold blooded killer.”
The bobblehead came to life at 3:45 in the morning, rifled through 11 year old Billy Vogel’s dresser drawer and found several ink pens. He then stabbed each family member in the throat and made off with $76.34, a gold necklace, and a box of Ding Dongs®.
The Ramirez bobblehead is still at large. An eyewitness, Yolanda Stokes, claims she saw the bobblehead standing at a bus stop alongside an empty can of Schlitz® beer looking “all casual and stuff” at approximately 9:15 Monday morning.