Despite Pleas From Fans, Phillies Say They’ll Play Second Half of Season
PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Phillies, winners of five straight NL East titles (2007-2011) have gone from first to worst in an inexplicable free fall from grace this season. The first half of the campaign couldn’t have gone any worse for the team. With a record of 37-50 so far, they didn’t lose their 50th game last season until September 12th.
“It’s sorta like when Tylenol® has to recall millions of boxes of product cuz (because) of tampering.” said Phils’ skipper Charlie Manuel. “We need to send the whole team back to the factory. But we’ll keep trying.”
“Trying” is exactly what most Phillies fans claim they don’t want to see anymore of.
“I was prepared to go the rest of the season with no season.” said Rollie Lawford, 56, of Swarthmore, Pennsylvania. “My health is suffering. I’m severely depressed. Now they say they’re moving forward and are going to play more games. Son of a bitch. That’s torture. It’s a clear violation of the Geneva Convention.”
The few bright spots on the team, closer Jonathan Papelbon, starting pitcher Cole Hamels, and catcher Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz all played in the Major League All-Star Game in Kansas City Tuesday night. But it’s apparent, they’re feeling the effects of what has been dubbed “The Lost Season.”
“Chooch was in the locker room cleaning a loaded pistol, often eyeballing the barrel, secretly praying for the inevitable.” said Hamels. “It did go off, grazing Ryan Braun in the thigh which was kinda funny.”
Phillies fans angrily took to the streets when the announcement was made the team would indeed play the second half of the season.
Though the protesters were certainly in the majority, one fan, Bobby Cofski of Vineland, New Jersey, was elated the team was continuing.
“Once the Nationals shut down (Stephen) Strasberg next month, and we get our team back to full strength, we’ll make a charge like no one has seen in the history of sports, and it all starts tonight in Colorado.” Cofski beamed. “As for the other teams between us and the Nats, I’ve got a contingency plan. Legally, I’m not at liberty to discuss that plan, but let’s just say it involves three guys named Carmine.”
Cofski was led away in a straight jacket, but not before enjoying a turkey club sandwich at the Melrose Diner®.