Edwin Jackson Struggles With Own Existence as Jean Paul Sartre Sits Behind Home Plate
MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Though all the tumblers have seemed to fall into place so far for the team from the nation’s capital, some odd things have happened during the Washington Nationals’ improbable run of greatness in 2012. Pitcher Edwin Jackson has twice been tormented from behind home plate by long deceased French existentialist philosopher, playwright, and political activist, Jean Paul Sartre.
Jackson is slated to start Monday’s game in Miami to complete a wrap around series with the Marlins.
“I know that dude’s gonna be there again. He’s got those crazy ass eyes and all. Fucks my shit up.” a clearly rattled Jackson told a small group of reporters Sunday. “He locks in on me with that unrelenting gaze, and within the first few pitches, I’m not feeling myself – as if, as if, I’m not of my own body. I can see myself floating in a sea of nothingness with no horizon – just blackness, no beginning, no end. I am neither here nor there, which has gotta be a bitch for the official scorer.”
Members from MLB’s league office are puzzled as to how one of the towering figures in 20th century philosophy, who died on April 15, 1980, can suddenly appear at a Major League game.
However, sports psychologist, Dr. Achilles Kyriazis believes that Sartre is penetrating Jackson’s psyche from the beyond, which may or may not be an afterlife, and that the 28 year old right hander has reached an inevitable realization.
“Suffice to say, all men discover that creation of meaning is not a viable alternative but a logical leap and evasion of the problem…the problem that has plagued man since he has been able to construct thought – that life is meaningless in a Godless universe.” said Kyriazis. “That said, Jackson needs to keep his fastball down to left handed hitters.”