From the Archives: ARod Compensates for Feelings of Inadequacy By Switching to 36 Inch Bat

Out With the Old. ARod is going large.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees infielder Alex Rodriguez, one of the major offensive forces in baseball the past fifteen seasons, isn’t feeling the love. The man known as ARod has alienated himself from teammates, management, fans, and perhaps most disconcertingly, romantic partners.

“Hear me ladies. I need to take charge.” Rodriguez told the Lexington Avenue Women’s Book Club yesterday, moments after reading excerpts from a newly discovered work by W. B. Yeats. “Therefore, I am switching from my beloved 34 inch, 31 ounce ash bat, to a 40 ounce, 36 inch lovely made from maple. I cut the tree down myself. This is a statement bat, a ‘size does matter’ kind of bat.”

Nancy Cameron, 42, of Yonkers was stifling a huge laugh as the Yankees slugger addressed the women’s club. 

“I did some research.” Cameron chuckled. “He’s clearly suffering from what Freud protege, Bernard Stempin identified as the ‘Dick Allen Complex.’ Allen was of course a powerful slugger in the mid 1960’s to early 1970’s, famous for using the longest, heaviest bat in the majors. Players who felt inadequate in either bat size or penis size, often switched to an Adirondack® 35 or 36 inch heavy ash or maple bat, which many times resulted in profoundly embarrassing results.”

“I’m big.” barked Rodriguez.”And I’m going to prove it to all of you.”

Rodriguez attempted to continue his cocksure, new bat-fueled proclamation, but was soon drowned out by the chortles of New York metropolitan area housewives.

“It was adorable.” added Cameron, doubled over with laughter. “I think he has a future reading the classics to women’s clubs everywhere.”

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