Yet to Be Determined Chicago Cubs Player to Host Alien Parasite for Balance of 2014 Season
CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In the hopes that an extraterrestrial life force may turn their fortunes around, the Chicago Cubs have announced one member of their 25 man roster will play host to an alien parasite for the rest of the 2014 season.
“To be honest, we’re not leaning towards anyone right now. It’s still too early.” said Cubs General manager, Theo Epstein. “First we need to determine whether this would violate any banned substance mandates.”
The alien, which arrived on February 23 of this year from Rigel Frushon-X37 can shape shift and enter the human body through the mouth, nasal passages or ear canal.
Slugging first baseman Anthony Rizzo has approached Epstein about being the host.
“Right now Tony wants it bad.” Epstein added. “But we’d really have to see if he could handle it. We’re going to first try inserting a worm, a spider, and some day old Byorek from Agnuni’s Armenian Cafe. If he doesn’t reject those, we’ll throw him into the mix.”
The alien is staying in a $700.00 a night room at the Drake Hotel in downtown Chicago and is said to be partying with hookers and blow on a nightly basis.