Satan to Finally Cut All Ties, Endorsements with Jerry Sandusky

What the Hell? Jerry Sandusky’s perplexed by the news Satan is dropping him.

HELL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Satan, also known as the devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Father of Lies and Prince of Darkness, an early supporter of former Penn State assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, has announced he will cut ties with the convicted child molester.

“It’s really in our best interest down here to just wipe the slate clean and let Jerry go on his merry way.” chimed Satan. “After all, we do have our standards. I’d like to add parenthetically that I’ve placed a curse on him just for shits and giggles. He’ll experience extreme abdominal discomfort and poo some rusty pins. It’s an oldie but a goodie.” 

Satan said all his companies will also pull their sponsorships beginning Monday.

“Bile Inc., Horn and Hoof, Brimstone LTD, and the Monsanto Corporation will no longer employ Mr. Sandusky in any way.” added the Dark Lord. “However it will take sometime before we’re able to pull everything off the interwebs. Even I have my limits.”

Sandusky was unavailable for comment, but prison guards confirmed he asked for some Tums®.

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