Warner Brothers Hires Manti Te’o As New Director of Fantasy
BURBANK, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Hot on the heels of his marvelously plotted and critically acclaimed “girlfriend hoax,” Notre Dame football sensation, Manti Te’o may be leading a dual career; Football and Hollywood mogul.
Motion picture and media powerhouse, Warner Brothers have offered the former Heisman Trophy candidate a high six figure salary to head up their fantasy department.
“When the story broke that Manti’s sick girlfriend story was merely a hoax to grab sympathy in the Heisman voting, I knew immediately we needed to plop his ass right in the middle of fantasy.” said Warner’s Senior Vice President off Development, Stuart Caverly. “This is a guy who understands a good story arc, milking and manipulating emotion with despicable tactics and poor taste, all while never breaking character. Plus, he can horse collar the guy from Jimmy John’s® who delivers lunch. You know, just for shits and giggles. This is after all, Hollywood. We don’t laugh much around here.”
Te’o’s story has sent shock waves across the sports universe. Media insiders are scrambling to make sense of what’s real and what’s not.
“There’s a palpable malaise that’s permeating through the sprawling and swank offices of TSD today. I’d like to think of it as one shit stinking collective look in the mirror.” lamented a despondent Sportsman’s Daily Editor-in-Chief, Charles Epstein. “Perhaps it’s time to rethink things from the bottom up. I guess us devising false wagers regarding the Super Bowl and Tom Brady’s super model girlfriend, recycled end of days scenarios, the late George Steinbrenner being downgraded from planet status, and Kobe Bryant considering a solo career just isn’t enough anymore. Not when you’re one upped by a football player. Apparently our insulated little world of sports satire and fake stories has been exposed as nothing but a hellish carnival populated by failed, delusional novelists, smelly IT guys, and ex-jocks whose porn fed imaginations spew forth a miasma of precious little one offs that inexplicably make them feel all puffed up when they try and hit on Marlene the receptionist. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to attend to some mussels marinara with my name on it.”