Roided Up Lance Armstrong Enjoys Second Career as F**kles, the Abusive, Bike Riding Clown
FT. WAYNE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Disgraced seven time Tour de France champion, Lance Armstrong, whose wins have been vacated, is reinventing himself. Appearing in the Martinoff Brothers Circus tour as Fuckles the Clown, Armstrong is delighting young and old alike with his bicycle riding exploits.
“We’re thrilled to have him aboard.” said Ringmaster, Xavier Prescott. “His abusive, expletive-laden rants, and drunken fits of rage are real show stoppers. I particularly enjoy when he splashes his bucket – not filled with confetti – but a highly corrosive compound of battery acid and zinc chloride in the faces of unsuspecting patrons in the front row.”
Armstrong claims he’s enjoying this new direction in his career and hopes it puts him right back on top.
“Fuck competitive racing.” Armstrong snapped, as he was still applying his Fuckles makeup, the steroid needle still in his thigh. “This new persona allows me to really illustrate to everyone who I really am. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before endorsement deals come knockin’.”
Fuckles is slated to grace the talk show circuit with his presence next week.