Lance Armstrong Wins Special Oscar for Best “Enhancing” Performance as Champion

Lancing with the Stars. Best Performance Enhancing goes to Armstrong.

HOLLYWOOD (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Disgraced biker, Lance Armstrong earned a special Oscar at the Academy Awards on Sunday for his “enhanced performance” as a sports champion.

“He gave us a tremendous performance which the majority of us swallowed hook, line and sinker as the real thing. Including me.” said former Oscar winner Robert De Niro, who was looking for his car. “His skill as a first rate bullshit artist was masterful.”

Though the award wasn’t in a competitive category, experts agree, if it had been, Armstrong would have been nominated unopposed.

“This might be the greatest single long running performance ever.” said Hollywood legend, Jack Nicholson. “And to think, we all believed he was a philanthropic hero with a life affirming backstory and world class biking skills, only to learn it was merely a performance of towering, Oscar worthy majesty. We’ve all had a little “help” with our performances. Some of us used booze, others coke. Lance used PEDs. Personally, after seeing this, I feel like melting my statue for winning One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. He’s a master.”

After the award ceremony, Armstrong broke from his champion character and spent the night tripping Best Actress winner, Jennifer Lawrence.


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