U.S. Orders Drone Strike on Sixers’ Andrew Bynum
PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The controversial question over whether the United States would ever launch a drone strike on one of its own citizens has finally been answered. A nearly unanimous vote to strike chronically lame center Andrew Bynum of the Philadelphia 76ers was held yesterday. Bynum joined what was deemed as an improving Sixers team in a three way trade, but has never suited up for them at any point during the season. The result has been disastrous for teammates, team ownership, Head Coach Doug Collins, and the fans.
“The decision to take out Andrew was a simple one.” said Vice President Joe Biden, a Sixers fans. “We pretty much got across the board support from both sides of the aisle as well as several of his teammates. When there’s a weak link in the chain, you replace it. The strike is coming. You can bet your sweet ass on that. I’m not at liberty to say when, but it will be done.”
Bynum’s rehab efforts and lack thereof has angered everyone connected with the team.
“We had big plans for this season, but he’s just a big pussy.” said Sixers guard and leading scorer, Jrue Holiday. “I’ve seen guys fake a foul better than this asshole plays lame. I say, bomb has ass.”
Even groups opposed to any kind of use of weapons don’t seem to be protesting.
“Have you seen this guy pretending to be hurt.” said Hunter Bensen, a 24 year old protester. “Pathetic. It’d be better for everyone to start from scratch.”
Bensen has been missing since making his statement.