Fat, Lazy Slob Enjoying 12th Consecutive Year Without Sports Injury
NUTLEY, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Artie Zbyszko, the 275 pound “work from home” father of twin 13 year old boys, generally gets around to dispatching his servicemen and printing out work orders for his air conditioning installation business by 11:00 AM. This gives him ample time to enjoy three Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwiches® and two cups of coffee every morning while watching the Today Show.
“He builds most of the day around watching television, especially ESPN and COZI TV, the nostalgia programmed network.” laments Lorraine, his wife of 16 years. “I suppose the upside of his sedentary lifestyle is that he hasn’t really had any kind of sports injury in 12 years.”
Zbyszko’s only sports activity is when he reclines in his BarcaLounger®, and shoots baskets in the driveway with his sons, Calvin and Blake.
He’s recently perfected a right handed technique from the free throw line as he nibbles on potato chips with his left hand.
“Twelve years injury free baby! I’m the fuckin’ king!” roared Zbyszko. “Think about it. No sprained ankles. No torn achilles. No back pain. No knee pain. All these assholes who bust their balls all day in the gym or go for their runs are playing Russian Roulette with the injury gods. You won’t see me fuckin’ with that shit. Meanwhile, I’ve managed to maintain a surprisingly profitable business with low overhead, little effort and word of mouth advertising. My house is paid for. I’ve got college funds set up for the twins, and a summer place at the beach. Sure, I won’t see age 45, but when you’ve got a mouth full of Buffalo Mozzarella wrapped in Sopressata from Carmine’s and the Jets are playing the Dolphins, who gives a flying fuck?”
Zbyszko then gently nodded off as his wife Lorraine carefully slipped his C-PAP mask over his head as Calvin and Blake silently observed.