Dallas Cowboys to Begin 2014 Quarterback Experimentation with Lab Rat
DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After losing the NFC East crown to a division rival for the third straight year, the Dallas Cowboys are going to try something new. With Tony Romo’s history of blowing games and the long return from back surgery, as well as no viable backup at the helm, the team says their next move will be radical.
“The (24-22) loss to the (Philadelphia) Eagles yesterday got me thinking.” said team owner, Jerry Jones. “When Kyle Orton threw that interception at the end of the game, I lost my cool. You may have seen footage of me in the luxury suite actually losing my cool. I said ‘rats!’ Of course, that was right after I said ‘motherfucking, shit eating, bastard, son of a bitch, prick, fuck!’ But the takeaway was indeed ‘rats.’ I immediately took my private elevator down to our underground laboratory, where we experiment with body parts. I walked past the severed limbs and skeletal remains of former employees right to the rat area.”
Jones then ordered his team of Swiss scientists to begin creating a hybrid man-rat by crossing the DNA of Roger Staubach and Larry, a standard, Sprague Dawley albino rat. Final results of the experiment are not in, but early reports indicate that it scrambles well.
In an unrelated story, the Philadelphia Eagles plan on sticking with Nick Foles.