After Receiving Never Ending Credit, Jesus Christ Finally Unveils New Trophy Room


The Christ Heist. JC is scoffing up the hardware.

PARADISE, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Popular deity and savior to millions, Jesus Christ, broke with the longstanding tradition of divine humility today and finally unveiled his state-of-the-art trophy room.

“It’s a real kick that athletes from around the planet deflect all credit to me for their achievements which, in all honesty, they’ve accomplished largely without my help,” said the Light of the World before a throng of reporters in his brand new trophy room. “Look folks, talent is luck. Most of these dudes simply won the DNA lottery. When you mix that with good coaching, winning happens. Besides, I’m supposed to be neutral like Switzerland. But hey, if they insist, let’s do this thing. Some of the truckloads of hardware are still rolling in, but if you look over my right shoulder, you can see that work has begun.” 

The hardware the King of Kings was referring to is every NFL, NBA, NHL, and MLB trophy that has in someway been included by winning athletes in speeches in which they give all credit to Him.

“Um, yeah…I’ll also be getting the MVPs, Rookies of the Year, Outland Trophies, Heisman Trophies, Gold Gloves, Silver Sluggers, Cy Youngs, Rolaids® Relief Man Awards, and whatever other hoohah these self-important yahoos can roll off the conveyor belt,” the Lamb of God added before showing off his Vince Lombardi Trophies and NCAA Basketball Championships.

Though unconfirmed, it has been reported that some athletes who’ve recently praised the Messiah for all their successes, are now having second thoughts as their trophies have been magically vanishing into thin air.

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