Jaguars Summon Spirit of Strother Martin to Help Team Get Their Minds Right
JACKSONVILLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Jacksonville Jaguars are struggling with another long season after after their sixth consecutive loss and ninth overall. However, if team ownership has anything to say about, things might change sooner than later. Moments after their 28-21 loss to Buffalo, the team asked Father Michael Rabisi to summon the spirit of character actor, Strother Martin. Martin, who passed away in 1980, was known for playing no nonsense characters, including his noteworthy portrayal of “The Captain” in 1967’s Cool Hand Luke with Paul Newman.
“The plan was to have Mr. Martin conjured up in his Captain persona and lay down the law,” said team owner, Shahid Kahn. “And, thanks to Father Rabisi, he did.”
Martin appeared near the back of the locker room and spoke to the team. The following is a transcript from his speech:
Good afternoon gentlemen. Well, well, well. Well, well, well. That was a mighty, piss poor performance I saw out there today. Piss, piss poor. So…we’re gonna start doing things my way, savvy? Now I can be a real nice guy, or I can be one mean som’bitch. I’ve got rules here. And if you don’t follow those rules to the T…well then, I’ll have to resort to punishment, until you get your minds right. Catch me? And I can guaran-damn-tee you, you will not be big fans of my style of punishment. After experiencing it just once, you might find you prefer death. Let me share some of my instruments of punishment with you. Uh, lemme see…uh, garden hose, back hoe loaders, screwdriver, sandpaper, nail clippers, lemon juice, battery acid. And that’s just for starters. Do I make myself clear gentlemen? Because the last thing we need is failure to communicate? Savvy? Oops…almost forgot…Go Jaguars!
Each member of the team nodded their approval and say they will indeed follow Captain’s orders.
Martin then sat down to a dinner of chicken, biscuits, and gravy, and washed it down with some Kentucky moonshine. His spirit then disappeared amid a swirling miasma of putrid decay. Players were unavailable for comment.