Chip Kelly Makes Iranian President His New QB Coach Without League Approval


Offensive Move? Iranian President Hassan Rouhani calling the shots.

PHIALDELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Incumbent Iranian President, Hassan Rouhani, has been named the new Quarterbacks Coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, in another shocking move by Head Coach/GM, Chip Kelly. Kelly has been under fire for the past week for the moves he’s made, the latest being trading quarterback Nick Foles, a second-round pick in 2016, and a fourth-round pick in 2015 for Sam Bradford and the Rams’ fifth-round pick in 2015.

“Look, I get it. I read the papers. I know a lot of people are scratching their heads,” Kelly said. “But I know what I’m doing. Hassan’s got a lot of interesting ideas, is a whiz with clock management, and in a pinch, knows what to do with enriched uranium. There’s a new NFL coming, and I’m proclaiming myself king.” Everyone from players, coaches, government officials, and Eagles fans are experiencing everything from confusion, frustration, and anger to apocalyptic preparedness. The move was made without team or league approval. Eagles Offensive Coordinator, Pat Shurmur, was informed of the decision at 8:43 Wednesday morning. “I’m stunned,” Shurmur said. “I spilled coffee on my trousers.”

Veteran sports analysts are trying to make some sense of the move.

“To have a head of state suddenly take the offensive reigns of an NFL team seems like a bit of a reach to me,” said Hall of Fame NFL observer, Ray Didinger. “And I should add it’s a stick in the eye of the NFL, against protocol, and without precedent. That said, maybe this is way to put some kind of package together, move up and get Kim Jong Un, who I understand Coach Kelly adores.”


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