After Years of Longing, TSD Finally Writes Story on North Dakota Sports
BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Its been said, “good things come to those who wait.” Not that this is necessarily a good thing, but it has happened — a story worthy of notice that has North Dakota roots. The Philadelphia Flyers have announced who their new head coach will be, and it’s Dave Hakstol. Hakstol coached collegiate hockey for eleven seasons at the University of North Dakota.
“If you’ve seen Disney on Ice, it’s a lot like that, except with that Fargo accent,” Hakstol told veteran TSD staffer, Chet Lassiter. “More importantly, you fellas get to do a story on my adopted home state — a barren, cultural wasteland, a bottomless abyss of nothingness and apathy. At least in Philly I can wake up mornings and get abused by the media in the papers and on radio. I’m looking forward to the change.”
TSD Editor-in-Chief, Charles Epstein was alerted when the story broke. “That’s nice,” Epstein thoughtfully murmured while nursing a Cuba Libre, poolside at his palatial, Moroccan-influenced South Florida estate. “I’m happy for North Dakota, but for me personally, I don’t see it affecting my life one way or the other. It’s a flyover state. I realize by saying that I’m alienating a portion of our audience, but join the club — I’ve alienated and enraged better audiences many times before. Just walk it off and move on.”
Epstein, who once compared NASCAR to competitive dentistry, and had to hire a contingent of armed guards when anywhere below the Mason Dixon line — or within a two mile radius of any trailer park across the Northeast — then rolled over on his back to receive immediate attention from Miles, his transgendered boy friday.