From the Archives: Old College Buddies Elect Not to Invite Vegan Friend Paul to Sports Bar

sad-man

Casting a Paul. Paul Lowry’s company is no longer required.

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Jack McKenna, 30, Steve Reinhart, 29, and Tony Rizzo, also 29, all of Oakland will be taking in Game 3 of the NBA Finals tonight at the Warehouse Bar and Grill on Webster Street. Conspicuously missing will be longtime friend and college classmate, Paul Lowry. The four attended San Jose State University together and claimed to have a close bond built around their shared passions for sports, music, and bar-b-ques. But that bond has slowly crumbled when Lowry chose to embrace the vegan lifestyle.

“We were really supportive at the beginning,” said McKenna. “Paul had struggled with weight for several years, and we wanted him around. He lost forty pounds in no time, and looked great. But then things changed.”

Lowry’s fanatical devotion to veganism became too much for even his girlfriend, Mallory Scott, 26, to endure.

“I was like, trying to do the vegan thing with Paul too,” Scott lamented. “We bought all the books, the food, and a blender, but Paul just got nuts with it. He’d scream at people when they’d go into In N’ Out Burger, you know, the one in San Leandro, not the one on Oakport Street. So anyway, he just went over the top. He brought up marriage, and I was like, ‘umm, no way.’ I really didn’t want to go through life being called Mallory Lowry. Oh, and now I eat at In N’ Out every day.”

Lowry’s friends are uncomfortable with what they’re sure will be a total dissolving of the friendship.

“What was once four will soon be three,” Rizzo said cryptically. “We used to bang cheesesteaks together like bottles of beer every time (Golden State Warriors guard) Steph Curry buried a three from downtown. Top it all off with fries, popcorn shrimp, the works. Now, not only does Paul refuse to participate, he’s up our asses about how we’re destroying ourselves and playing right into the hands of Monsanto. I get it, Monsanto sucks, but I’m still eating my popcorn shrimp dude. Oh, and I just hooked up with Mallory.”

The Warriors nor Curry would comment.

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