Tom Brady Nukes Buffalo; Exonerated On All Charges
NEW ENGLAND UNDISCLOSED (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Fresh off of having his 4-game suspension nullified, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady celebrated by wiping an AFC rival off the map, literally. Brady obtained some plutonium and fashioned a two-megaton nuclear device in his media room with some teammates. He then flew the bomb to Buffalo and blew it up.
“You see, I’m a celebrity,” chimed the two time NFL MVP from the cockpit of his 2015 70m dollar Gulfstream G650 private jet, with supermodel wife Gisele Bündchen passionately fellating his perfectly machined, steel-reinforced, throbbing, 7.0 penis as the two neared mach speed, the hellish backdrop of apocalyptic doom falling farther into the rearview. “I do whatever I please with impunity. So I thought I’d serve notice with a little demonstration of my ever increasing power as a reminder to the great unwashed.”
Brady’s unfeeling proclamation was followed by nearly three minutes of uninterrupted maniacal laughter. According to some reports, the distinct sound of champagne corks popping and caviar being enjoyed by his entourage went on until the plane landed in the parking lot of Peter Luger’s Steakhouse in Great Neck, New York.
Buffalo Bills fans were understandably upset.
“Umm, yeah…this sorta puts a crimp in our plans this close to the beginning of the season,” said Cy Bynon, a Bills season ticket holder since 1979. “But this is the NFL, things never go as planned. Of course neither does nursing nuclear third degree burns.”
Brady later returned to an undisclosed location in New England and learned no charges will be filed.
“I pretty much expect life to go as planned,” Brady said filing his nails and winking to the throng of media. “Oh, and uh, fuck yuz all.”