NFC East To Market Self As Bottomless Abyss

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Nothingness To See Here. The NFC East launches vapid new campaign — literally.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Fans, players, and coaches are almost completely in agreement — no one wants to win the NFC East. No team is above .500 in the division and no clear-cut favorite has emerged, though some are saying the New York Giants might ultimately reach the post-season on experience alone. Given the bleak outlook and overall general malaise in fan support, marketing heads from the Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, and the Giants met privately to try and figure a way to salvage a disastrous season.

“Some of us in marketing saw this as an opportunity to promote our brand metaphysically,” said Leonard Shemp, Associate Marketing Director of the Giants. “Therefore, the rest of the way, we’ll be introducing a high profile, self promotional campaign across all broadcast and social media platforms to depict the NFC East as a expansive and bottomless abyss devoid of all hope — rudderless, big, scary, cold, unfeeling, and unable to do jack shit in the Red Zone.”

Several promotions have aired already in test markets leaving viewers confused and depressed.

One scenario features linemen from all four teams floating aimlessly through the vastness of space supported by the harrowing strains of twelve-tone choral music implying hopelessness, as single frame images of tears dripping from a bloodshot eye are intercut with the bombastic violence of war.

“I like that one,” added Shemp. “Its more subtle and toned down than the other ones we have in the pipeline. Our goal is have fans enjoy the full and shattering realization that the product of the NFC East is on a par with the crap you’d send away for in those comic book ads in the 1960s and 1970s. Essentially, we are the onion gum of football. But we don’t amaze and delight your friends, or anyone for that matter.”


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