Swimming: Trump Claims He’ll Fill White House Pool With the Tears of Business Rivals

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The Cool Pool. Trump plans to bust out some Olympian heroics in the famed White House swimming hole.

WASHINGTON DC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald J. Trump, says he plans on making “many, many great changes” upon taking up residence at America’s most famous address, should he win the 2016 race to the White House.

“1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is going to have my stamp on it for sure,” the business tycoon chimed. “Probably above anything else, I look forward to draining the White House pool of its pristine Catoctin Mountain water, and refilling it with the voluminous, disconsolate tears of all business rivals I’ve mercilessly crushed over the years — and there’ve been plenty I’ll tell you that. I’ll make sure the temperature is constantly maintained at a bracing 60 degrees. I can hardly wait to feel that sloshing, brackish, ebb of defeat coursing through every orifice of my body as I triumphantly take my morning victory laps — energizing me for a full day of making America great again. And when I tell you it’s gonna be great, you can believe me.”

Trump quickly exited the hastily slapped together press conference, enjoying a quick snack in the back of his private limousine gnawing on the meaty bone of an undisclosed Democratic congressman.

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