Kerry Wood Begins to Splinter
Wood Finish? Not if he's treated with teak oil.
CLEVELAND, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Ten years ago Chicago Cubs phenom Kerry Wood was full of promise. Though not a complete bust, the injury riddled hurler never fully lived up to the hype. However, after saving 34 games for the North Siders last season, Wood parlayed that success and became the closer for the Cleveland Indians this year. But fans of the Tribe are now crestfallen when it was announced today the 31 year old right hander developed splinters.
“When you’re wood, splinters eventually occur,” said Pitching Coach Carl Willis. “He’s getting some aggressive treatment with teak oil.”
“I get it OK?” said Wood. “My last name is Wood. I’ve heard all the jokes, the family tree, blah, blah, blah…but I’m a man. I am not maple or pine. I’m a man. I’m flesh and bone. I bleed, OK? I don’t have sap in my veins. They’re treating me with fucking teak oil? Are you kidding me? These aren’t splinters. I’m not splintering. I want to be left alone.”
But Indians teammates aren’t buying it.
“There’s a picture in (manager) Eric Wedge’s office when Kerry was just a tree and they chopped him down,” said outfielder Grady Sizemore. “He was once a majestic oak. Then the next season he struck out 233 batters.”
“Wood is in denial,” said Indians’ General Manager Mark Shapiro. “It’s OK. Over time he will begin to accept the fact that he originated from plant life, and adjust accordingly. Perhaps someday he can be human. This is America where anything can happen. Look at Pinocchio, he was wood and became a real life boy. OK, technically Pinocchio was Italian, so probably not the greatest analogy, but we’re all in his corner.”
Tags: Chicago Cubs, Cleveland Indians, Kerry Wood, MLB