43 Year Old Unemployed Man Won’t Come out of Tiny Apartment till Madden Returns
COURTDALE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Carl Oschal, a 43 year old former music store manager is currently unemployed. Already angry and frustrated at the sorry state of the music business, Oschal poured his energies into following baseball and especially football.
He longed for autumn Saturday and Sunday afternoons as well as Monday nights when he could park himself on the recliner and drink in the spectacle of the gridiron – particularly when John Madden was analyzing the games.
Madden, who retired from the booth in 2009, hasn’t made any comebacks.
“He’s gone folks. Gone, gone!” said Oschal. “Who’s gonna do color commentary now? I loved the occasional insight and the panicky ‘heart in his throat’ cadence as if he was ready to drop dead of a coronary at anytime. I liked that. I’m gonna miss that. I don’t want to miss that. So, I’ve decided to take action.”
The action Oschal speaks of his refusing to leave his tiny Courtdale, Pennsylvania apartment until the former Oakland Raiders coach turned broadcast booth legend returns to work.
“He’s not playing this game with me,” Oschal said. “I am going to show him the meaning of resolve. I refuse to shower, eat, or communicate with the outside world until he comes back. Don’t try to sway me. Once I’ve made up my mind, I see it through to the end. I’ve done this before. I wrote FOX over 10,000 times, and they brought back Family Guy.”
But neighbors of Oschal have witnessed lapses in his self-proclaimed tenacity.
“Yeah, I seen him order a pizza from Teberio’s over the shoppin’ plaza,” said Pete Andreiwicz. “He’s always ordering from there. But the guy brought it in the back this time. He thinks I ain’t seen him. But I seen him. Plus he’s walkin’ around without no clothes on, so he musta taken a shower or somethin’.”
Oschal admits he does long for a shower and warm meal from time to time.
“Yes, the balmy and pulsating tiny fingers of a hot shower and the homey, comforting goodness of an old-fashioned pot roast and robust cabernet has crossed my mind from time to time, but those are luxuries I’ll just have to do without to prove my point,” a stark naked Oschal added, wiping what were clearly remnants from an extra large pizza with pepperoni and black olives off his ample belly. “But Mr. Madden has to realize he’s left a void in all of us for four long years. And I’m just not going to allow that to happen a moment longer.”
Oschal then got up off the recliner and climbed to the top of his kitchen table shouting, “Hear me Madden. I shall not rest, nor eat, nor shower until you come to your senses. Granted, I may have fallen off the wagon with an occasional cracker and splashing cold water on my face, but damn it, if I die in here, it will be on your head.”
Madden has learned of Oschal’s plight, and has rushed to his aid in his MaddenCruiser with blankets, a whirlpool, and twelve canned hams, but insists he will not start a dialogue on his possible return until he puts on some pants.