BREAKING SPORTS

Sports Satire Site Ceases Operations Until Nation Re-Embraces Facts and Has Better Grasp of Line Between Fake and Real News

December 20th, 2016

The Sportsman’s Daily ends 10 year run as the go-to site for breaking sports satire

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Totally Faked Up. The blurry line of reality and bullshit spells doom.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) This year marked the tenth year anniversary of the Sportsman’s Daily, the place for palpably fake sports news. The founders of the site called it satire, as its mission was to reveal and ridicule the absurdity of prominent sports figures (and their mindless fans/apologists) making fools of themselves on the regular. While the majority of the stories appearing there had some — some — grounding in reality, the lines were often blurred — an inescapable byproduct of any satirical endeavor, which did cause occasional confusion, sometimes even anger when a reader would realize he or she’d been had, bamboozled, suckered, made to feel foolish, incompetent and/or stupid. Such are the unintended consequences of satire, though there are no cases on record of anyone storming a pizzeria because they misread a TSD story on Mike Piazza, or citizens rising up to counter stories mercilessly ripping entire cities for their sorry histories of sports ineptitude. Read the rest of this entry »

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BELOW THE FOLD

Woody Allen’s Next Film Denies Existence of Knicks

October 21st, 2016

Pearl Knick-less. If Woody Allen has his way, it will be as if Earl “The Pearl” Monroe and everything connected to the Knicks never existed.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Film Director Woody Allen is returning to New York for his next feature film, a yet untitled work that suggests the New York Knicks never existed in any time or any place.

“As most people know, I love the Knicks as most New Yorkers did at one time,” said the 75 year old filmmaker who has had season tickets since the 1970’s. “But of course those were the Knicks of Reed, Bradley, Frazier, and my personal favorite, Earl Monroe. What we’ve endured the past thirty years is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham. Therefore my latest work will depict the organization as having never existed. I just think it’s best for everyone.”

Allen has had high level meetings with NBA Commissioner David Stern on how to strike any mention of the Knicks from all record books and return season tickets to every fan who ever existed. Read the rest of this entry »

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Gazpacho Vendor at Columbus Blue Jackets Games Can’t Understand Low Sales

October 20th, 2016

 

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No Soup for Me! Apparently that’s all one vendor is hearing at Nationwide Arena in Columbus.

COLUMBUS, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Juan Del Santo has struggled to find work for two years, and is feeling the effects of a bleak economy. The former limo service owner who came to the United States from Spain in 1997, was forced to give up his business. He recently got part time work as a vendor at Columbus Blue Jackets games. Unfortunately for him, the Spanish soup Gazpacho, which is served cold, is not catching on as he’d hoped.

“I realize hockey arenas are cold and many people like to sip hot cocoa or coffee, but beer is cold, and people drink that.” said the disillusioned entrepreneur. “My Gazpacho is wonderful, it’s my grandmother Isabella’s recipe. It’s nutritious and delicious. Apparently folks here in the rust belt have difficulty kicking their nachos and footlong dogs to the curb for this Andalucian delicacy. Well, it’s their loss.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Roger Goodell Takes Part in Helmet to Helmet Hit Experiment; Results Conclusive

October 17th, 2016
MIAMI GARDENS, FL - FEBRUARY 07:  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stands on the field prior to Super Bowl XLIV between the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints on February 7, 2010 at Sun Life Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida.  (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

Roger and Who? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s helmet to helmet hit experiment was successful. Here he’s shown contemplating who he is.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s crackdown on dangerous helmet to helmet hits, has gone a step further. After another incident occurred in last night’s Philadelphia Eagles 27-17 victory over the New York Giants, Goodell decided to don a helmet himself in order to demonstrate the seriousness of such contact.

Goodell placed the helmet over his head and was met full force head to head by former NFL linebacker, Derrick Brooks, who gladly obliged.

A prayer circle was formed around Goodell who regained consciousness two hours later. He addressed the media shortly thereafter. Read the rest of this entry »

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Middle Finger to be Seamlessly Integrated into Nationals’ Batting Signs for 2017

October 14th, 2016
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The Bird at Third. Nats Third Base Coach, Bob Henley, will add the middle digit to his routine under the direction of Dusty Baker.

VIERA, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A lot was expected of the Washington Nationals this season, but they came up short in 2016 after losing the NLDS to the Los Angeles Dodgers. They’re the odds on favorite to win the NL East again in 2017 and go deep into the post season.  So, the idea of mixing things up in what appears to be a template for winning, might seem ill advised. However, that’s exactly what they’ll try out in spring training next February. Manager Dusty Baker has asked his coaches to employ the middle finger to his series of signs this season, and the staff said yes.

“Flipping someone off has long been my thing.” said Third Base Coach, Bob Henley. “So when Dusty asked me to add it, I couldn’t wait.”

Some of the Nationals players initially took offense to the idea of using sign, but most have accepted it. Now, several opposing teams are saying they’ll take the sign personally.   Read the rest of this entry »

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After Receiving Never Ending Credit, Jesus Christ Finally Unveils New Trophy Room

October 13th, 2016
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The Christ Heist. JC is scoffing up the hardware.

PARADISE, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Popular deity and savior to millions, Jesus Christ, broke with the longstanding tradition of divine humility today and finally unveiled his state-of-the-art trophy room.

“It’s a real kick that athletes from around the planet deflect all credit to me for their achievements which, in all honesty, they’ve accomplished largely without my help,” said the Light of the World before a throng of reporters in his brand new trophy room. “Look folks, talent is luck. Most of these dudes simply won the DNA lottery. When you mix that with good coaching, winning happens. Besides, I’m supposed to be neutral like Switzerland. But hey, if they insist, let’s do this thing. Some of the truckloads of hardware are still rolling in, but if you look over my right shoulder, you can see that work has begun.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Twelve Batboys Held for Possession of Performance Enhancing Drugs

October 11th, 2016

 

Former Minnesota Twins batboy Timmy Tanner captured in undated photo unleashing primal howl as he prepares to rip the arms off an unauthorized clubhouse visitor.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) –Barry Bonds isn’t the only one making steroids-related news.

Two seasons ago they began popping out of dugouts everywhere, the oversized heads, rippling biceps and barrel chests, their post-adolescent faces a moonscape of angry red acne. Suddenly, batboys were getting huge. HUGE! But few noticed.

Last summer, a batboy with the Minnesota Twins punched a hole in a wall and broke every light in the clubhouse with a vintage Tony Oliva bat – a textbook case of roid rage, but the story received little national coverage. With all attention focused on alleged player use of banned substances, batboys juiced under the radar, some swelling to Bunyan-esque proportions – many dwarfing the major leaguers they were paid to serve.

“Timmy Tanner was a skinny kid, an eager-beaver type,” said the Minnesota Twins’ All-star  catcher Joe Mauer when asked to describe the former Twins batboy now under investigation. “Then one day I’m sitting in the clubhouse with a crossword puzzle, and I ask no one in particular, hey, what’s another word for anabolic steroid?” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: Mario Mendoza’s Property “Line” Relentlessly Ridiculed by Local Youth

October 10th, 2016

 

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Does This Cross the Line? Local kids enjoy taunting the former light hitting infielder.

CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former Major League slick fielding but notoriously light hitting infielder, Mario Mendoza attempts to live a quiet, secluded life in the hills around his Chihuahua home. But in the age of instant information, even this small Mexican hamlet isn’t immune to young children learning everything they can about the man who made the “Mendoza Line” famous.

“When you’re hitting below the Mendoza Line, like I am now, you hear about it.” said Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth, who left the Phillies for a 126 million dollar deal in the nation’s capital.

It is widely accepted that the mythical Mendoza Line is hitting below .200 – but in actuality – Mendoza’s lifetime batting average was .215.

Now Mendoza himself is the target of children’s taunts as they retrieve errant baseballs and soccer balls from his yard. As they cross his property line they shout “Look, even I can play over the Mendoza Line.”

“He’s something of a local legend here.” says town mayor Juan Carlos Moreno. “Particularly when he trips over garbage cans as he exits Pepe’s Cantina at 3:00 o’clock in the morning.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Two-Legged Modesto Man Disqualified from One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest

October 7th, 2016

 

 

Protesters show solidarity with disqualified contestant by demonstrating two-legged ass-kicking technique.

SACRAMENTO, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Ralph Addison’s dream of competing in the 12th annual One-Legged Ass-Kicking Contest, held every year at the McLatchy Fairgrounds in Sacramento, California, was dashed this past weekend, when it was learned he possessed not one, but two legs, a clear violation of the event’s long-established bylaws. The disqualification sparked a huge outcry among Addison’s modest yet vocal contingent of supporters, three of whom were in attendance to protest the decision.

“It’s just unconscionable, Ralph trained for weeks, he was primed for the event and looked forward to competing,” said Ed Addison, Ralph’s older brother. “What kind of message does this send to the thousands of people who go through life with two legs? It’s an outrage and an injustice. If anyone needs their asses kicked it’s the small-minded jerks that didn’t let my brother compete. If not for the gout on my kicking foot, I’d be out there right now teeing me up some ass, you can believe that.” Read the rest of this entry »

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A TSD Classique: After Humiliating Loss, Quasimodo to Return to Notre Dame to Play Hunchback

October 6th, 2016

Hunch Break. Quasimodo mugs for camera as the Fightin’ Irish break during a recent summer practice.

SOUTH BEND, IN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Apparently even a 42-14 pounding in a title game isn’t enough to keep this team down.  First there was Rudy, the inspiring story of an against-all-odds player making the Fightin’ Irish football team; now this. Quasimodo, the famed bell ringing Hunchback of Notre Dame will return to the school from where he was banned 182 years ago in an attempt to make the football team in 2013.

A towering figure in Victor Hugo’s literary masterwork The Hunchback of Notre Dame, from 1831, Quasimodo, a hideous malformed hunchback, was mostly associated with Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris as the church‘s chief bell ringer. But, unbeknownst to most people, he did appear in two scrimmages for Notre Dame University during the late 1800’s when the team was then known as “The Catholics” instead of the Fightin’ Irish, which became the official team name in 1927. Read the rest of this entry »

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Headless Goat Found in Topless Bar; Six Afghan Buzkashi Players Held

October 4th, 2016

A friendly game of modern buzkashi, which some believe has a future in the US if they could find something more compatible with the Western palate, like lamb or turkey, to take the place of the headless goat.

ASTORIA, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The game of buzkashi, which dates back to Genghis Khan. Buzkashi, pits teams of horseback-riding Afghans wearing traditional Uzbek hats and robes, who beat each other with fists and whips for control of a headless goat. On Monday, this most savage and diverting of games, reared its (severed) head in the unlikeliest of places: among the fists and whips in an S&M-themed topless bar in Astoria, Queens.

How six fierce-looking men from a remote region in Afghanistan, clad in elaborate ethnic garb, reeking of sweat, livestock and alcohol, found themselves at the Rack and Loin remains a mystery. But they attracted little notice until their waitress finally asked what they were doing with a headless goat, which was seated on a chair at their table, in full view of an otherwise engaged afternoon “munch and lunch” crowd. Read the rest of this entry »

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Class Jock Plans for Empty, Uneventful Life Six Years Down the Road

October 3rd, 2016

 

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Jock Blocked. Most like nothing in store for pretty boy.

OIL CITY, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Oil City Senior High School’s Logan Van Horn, an all-star quarterback from last season, headed into his senior year with high expectations.

“The goal is to make the playoffs again.” said 5’9” pass thrower. “And for me to maintain a relationship with (head cheerleader) Colette Jansen. We’ve been going out since 9th grade.”

Van Horn, is generally regarded as an accurate passer with decent arm strength, but too small to play division one college football.

“What we’ve got here is the typical high school jock who’s enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame, local as it may be, and riding it for whatever it’s worth.” said Assistant Coach Glenn Connors. “You know how it goes. You peak early, then, not long after graduating, you’re stuck here driving a forklift down at the beer distributor after a failed attempt at a division three walk on. Then you marry Colleen or Corine or Colette, whatever the hell her name is, and rent an apartment on the north side of town and eat frozen dinners and watch reality TV all night. But until that day, I hope to see a lot of touchdowns from this kid.”  Read the rest of this entry »

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On Vacation

September 23rd, 2016

imagesThe Sportsman’s Daily will return on Monday, October 3. 🙂

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