Posts Tagged ‘Alex Rodriguez’

A TSD Classique: A-Rod’s Massage Parlor Encounter Culminates with Mediocre Ending

Tuesday, August 16th, 2016
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Rub a Dub Flub. Madame Force’s rub down finishes apparently don’t live up to the deep tissue massages.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – New York Yankee star Alex Rodriguez, no stranger to making news for his off-field behavior, has done it again. This time its not as a result of his entanglement with aging pop stars, but for the stunning details of his repeat visits to Madame Force, a little known Queens-based massage therapist, now known as the Tri-State Area’s undisputed champion of “Mediocre Endings.” (more…)


From the Archives: ARod Compensates for Feelings of Inadequacy By Switching to 36 Inch Bat

Thursday, February 18th, 2016

Out With the Old. ARod is going large.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees infielder Alex Rodriguez, one of the major offensive forces in baseball the past fifteen seasons, isn’t feeling the love. The man known as ARod has alienated himself from teammates, management, fans, and perhaps most disconcertingly, romantic partners.

“Hear me ladies. I need to take charge.” Rodriguez told the Lexington Avenue Women’s Book Club yesterday, moments after reading excerpts from a newly discovered work by W. B. Yeats. “Therefore, I am switching from my beloved 34 inch, 31 ounce ash bat, to a 40 ounce, 36 inch lovely made from maple. I cut the tree down myself. This is a statement bat, a ‘size does matter’ kind of bat.”

Nancy Cameron, 42, of Yonkers was stifling a huge laugh as the Yankees slugger addressed the women’s club.  (more…)


A TSD Classique: Alex Rodriguez Installs Applause Sign in Bedroom; Adds Studio Audience

Thursday, July 9th, 2015

Cameron-shy? Nope. A-Rod and Diaz enjoying a moment.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez’ towering insecurities and overarching narcissism both on and off the field are legendary.  Now, the third baseman has decided to install a flashing applause sign in his bedroom.

The move has apparently worked as girlfriend Cameron Diaz has jumped to her feet on several occasions – clapping wildly and whistling while in the middle of wet and torrid sexual encounters. (more…)


A-Rod Promises To Hit Home Run for Perfectly Healthy, Rich Kid

Friday, May 22nd, 2015

 

Yard Work. H. Prescott Kent lunching on his fabulously sprawling estate in Southampton with his Aunt Carolyn. They’re celebrating Prescott’s good news that a famous Latin athlete will “go yard” just for him.

LONG ISLAND, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just days before his twenty-first birthday, H. Prescott Kent of the Southampton, New York Kents, learned he’d be receiving an unusual present. Slugger Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees announced he would hit a homerun for the young, cultivated eligible bachelor. Kent says he’s not a baseball fan, but may look in on the proceedings in a game scheduled against the Texas Rangers this weekend. “It’s nice of Mr. Rod to do whatever he’s going to do for me,” Kent said. “If I’m so inclined, I may take in the game live or watch it in Daddy’s study.” (more…)


Yankees Unfriend A-Rod on Facebook

Monday, March 30th, 2015
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A-Rude.  “You Need People Like Me!” A-Rod chimed while lighting up and doing his Tony Montana impression for a few select hangers on.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Yankees have over six million likes on their Facebook fan page, but only a few hundred “friends” on their personal page.  For years, Alex Rodriguez was a close friend, firmly entrenched in the Bronx Bomber inner circle. When the embattled slugger woke up this morning to the news he’d been unfriended by the team, he took it in stride.

“I’ve still got plenty of friends.” Rodriguez murmured in a false bravado, choking back the tears and sniffing back snot. “Granted, most of them have sordid pasts and police records. But I think they kind of like me. If they don’t like me, I can have them roughed up or worse. That way they’ll like me forever and ever.”  (more…)


Joe Girardi Fines ARod for Excessively Bad Vibes

Monday, August 19th, 2013

Sad to the Bone. Alex Rodriguez, the Bad Luck Schleprock of baseball.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Moments after defeating the Boston Red Sox, 9-6, in a game which featured a benches clearing chat fest, Yankees manager Joe Girardi faced reporters with a scowl not common for someone who just beat a rival.

“It goes beyond just looking for a fastball when everyone in the ballpark knows a slider’s coming,” said the Yanks’ skipper. “He’s just a freekin’ buzzkill. He mopes around the clubhouse quoting (Friedrich) Nietzsche and (Albert) Camus – and it brings down the entire room. His pre-game ritual of beating his bare chest with palm fronds as the mournful strains of Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen by Gustav Mahler seep like so much molasses from the Bose® speakers is just too painful to watch. Couple that with his incessant whining and you’ve got an angst-ridden miasma of hopelessness – a veritable energy draining weltschmerz only those who’ve dared glance into the unyielding black, soul crushing abyss of Hell can truly understand. So, I’ve fined him $500,000 for excessively bad vibes. Next question.” (more…)


Pleasant, Law Abiding, Rookie Third Baseman Is Growing Out of A-Rod’s Neck

Tuesday, August 6th, 2013
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Eye-Rod. A newer, pleasant player growing out of Alex Rodriguez.

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) While appealing his suspension from Major League Baseball, New York Yankees third baseman and steroid user, Alex Rodriguez played his first game of the season last night in Chicago. The boos rained down on the embattled slugger, who went 1-4 and managed a single in his first at bat. Though the Yanks lost 8-1 to the White Sox, A-Rod was quite cheery while pointing out to the throng of reporters, a new player is growing from his neck.

“His name is Lorenzo Escobar.” said Rodriguez. “Right now he’s just an eye, but I expect come playoff time, he’ll be a fully grown player. It also might please you all to know, as host, I’ll eventually just become a large scab, fall off and die.” (more…)


Parents Take All Privileges Away From A-Rod for Life

Thursday, August 1st, 2013
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A-typical Punishment? A-Rod isn’t happy, but might have to sit and take it.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As Alex Rodriguez decides whether to fight MLB’s upcoming punishment or just take his lumps and go home, another country’s been heard from…his parents.  Victor and Lourdes Rodriguez have made it clear how upset they are with their son’s lying, poor decision making, and bad attitude, and have therefore chosen to ground him for life.

“No more XBox, no more high profile and exceedingly hot girlfriends, and no more use of our 1999 Audi A4.” Victor Rodriguez told a overflowing contingent of media outside his Miami home. “Here is where he’s gonna stay. In his room. He’s only going to be able to go out to do his baseball stuff, go to family functions, and go to doctor’s appointments. We have spoken.”  (more…)


Alex Rodriguez Installs Applause Sign in Bedroom; Adds Studio Audience

Friday, June 7th, 2013

 

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“Torried” Love Affair. A-Rod turns crowd from jeers to cheers.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez’ towering insecurities and overarching narcissism both on and off the field are legendary.  Now, the third baseman has decided to install a flashing applause sign in his bedroom.

The move has apparently worked as girlfriend, Torrie Wilson has jumped to her feet on several occasions – clapping wildly and whistling while in the middle of wet and torrid sexual encounters. (more…)


Astronomers Hope to Catch Brief Glimpse of A-Rod’s Fading Career

Tuesday, April 30th, 2013
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Space Ball. A-Rod’s career is somewhere out there – we think.

MOUNT PALOMAR, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a controversial career with plenty of highs and lows, New York Yankees infielder, Alex Rodriguez continues to recover from hip surgery and figure out next steps. With his playing days basically on life support, A-Rod is merely a blip on the radar screen.

Now, astronomers at Mount Palomar Observatory in California will experiment with a special lens which they’ll attach to the institute’s massive telescope in the hopes they’ll spot a fading patch of light or gaseous trail that was once part of a streaking bright light.  (more…)


Yankees Announce Advance Forfeit of Weekend Series by Red Sox

Friday, April 8th, 2011

Loser. Self-loathing Red Sox fan Jerry O'Hanlon takes it all in stride.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Having seen their archrival begin the 2011 season with six losses and no victories, the New York Yankees announced late Thursday night that they have accepted a forfeit of the three-game weekend series in Boston, before the games have even been played.

“We talked about it on the plane after thumping Minnesota again,” Yankees manager Joe Girardi said.  “At first the boys on the team weren’t so sure, figuring it would be more fun to dominate them on the field as usual – followed of course by the ceremonial, candle lit, paddling in the locker room with the more than palpable homoerotic undertones – but after a few beers it became unanimous.”

Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman called the Red Sox main offices from the plane to convey the news. (more…)


Spring Training Update: A-Rod’s Interminable Crotch Adjustment Now in Third Consecutive Day

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011

The Rod Squad.” White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen gives Alex Rodriguez some pointers on crotch adjusting in this undated photo. “Ozzie’s a real pro at this.” said A-Rod.

TAMPA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has long had a very methodical approach to hitting – a style which has had him on the fast track to Cooperstown since day one. Every batter has a routine while taking the walk from the on deck circle to the batter’s box, and A-Rod is no different. However, he has recently added a new dimension to his overall hitting preparation; the crotch adjustment. Rodriguez added the adjustment on Saturday and was still trying to step into the batter’s box to take some practice swings when this article was written.

“I’ve been in baseball a lot of years and seen a lot of guys fiddle with their junk,” said Yankee skipper Joe Girardi. “But Alex can’t find the zone, which has been holding up everything.” (more…)