Space Ball. A-Rod’s career is somewhere out there – we think.

MOUNT PALOMAR, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a controversial career with plenty of highs and lows, New York Yankees infielder, Alex Rodriguez continues to recover from hip surgery and figure out next steps. With his playing days basically on life support, A-Rod is merely a blip on the radar screen.

Now, astronomers at Mount Palomar Observatory in California will experiment with a special lens which they’ll attach to the institute’s massive telescope in the hopes they’ll spot a fading patch of light or gaseous trail that was once part of a streaking bright light.  (more…)

Out With the Old. ARod is going large.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees infielder Alex Rodriguez, one of the major offensive forces in baseball the past fifteen seasons, isn’t feeling the love. The man known as ARod has alienated himself from teammates, management, fans, and perhaps most disconcertingly, romantic partners.

“Hear me ladies. I need to take charge.” Rodriguez told the Lexington Avenue Women’s Book Club yesterday, moments after reading excerpts from a newly discovered work by W. B. Yeats. “Therefore, I am switching from my beloved 34 inch, 31 ounce ash bat, to a 40 ounce, 36 inch lovely made from maple. I cut the tree down myself. This is a statement bat, a ‘size does matter’ kind of bat.”

Nancy Cameron, 42, of Yonkers was stifling a huge laugh as the Yankees slugger addressed the women’s club.  (more…)

Sad to the Bone. Alex Rodriguez, the Bad Luck Schleprock of baseball.

DETROIT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Moments after losing Game 4 of the ALCS to the Detroit Tigers 8-1 in a stunning sweep of the series, the New York Yankees gathered their personal belongings in a quiet clubhouse as the long off-season unceremoniously began.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi spoke with reporters and confirmed that his decision to bench all-star third baseman Alex Rodriguez was the right one.

“It goes beyond just looking for a fastball when everyone in the ballpark knows a slider’s coming,” said the Yanks’ skipper. “He’s just a freekin’ buzzkill. He mopes around the clubhouse quoting (Friedrich) Nietzsche and (Albert) Camus – and it brings down the entire room. His pre-game ritual of beating his bare chest with palm fronds as the mournful strains of Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen by Gustav Mahler seep like so much molasses from the Bose® speakers is just too painful to watch. Couple that with his incessant whining and you’ve got an angst-ridden miasma of hopelessness – a veritable energy draining weltschmerz only those who’ve dared glance into the unyielding black, soul crushing abyss of Hell can truly understand. So, I’ve fined him $500,000 for excessively bad vibes. Next question.” (more…)

Yard Work. H. Prescott Kent lunching on his fabulously sprawling estate in Southampton with his Aunt Carolyn. They're celebrating Prescott's good news that a famous Latin athlete will "go yard" just for him.

LONG ISLAND, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just days before his twenty-first birthday, H. Prescott Kent of the Southampton, New York Kents, learned he’d be receiving an unusual present. Slugger Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees announced he would hit a homerun for the young, cultivated eligible bachelor. Kent says he’s not a baseball fan, but may look in on the proceedings in a game scheduled against the LA Angels this weekend. “It’s nice of Mr. Rod to do whatever he’s going to do for me,” Kent said. “If I’m so inclined, I may take in the game live or watch it in Daddy’s study.” (more…)

Cameron-shy? Nope. A-Rod and Diaz enjoying a moment.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez’ towering insecurities and overarching narcissism both on and off the field are legendary.  Now, the third baseman has decided to install a flashing applause sign in his bedroom.

The move has apparently worked as girlfriend Cameron Diaz has jumped to her feet on several occasions – clapping wildly and whistling while in the middle of wet and torrid sexual encounters. (more…)

Cameron-shy? Nope. A-Rod and Diaz enjoying a moment.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez’ towering insecurities and overarching narcissism both on and off the field are legendary.  Now, the third baseman has decided to install a flashing applause sign in his bedroom.

The move has apparently worked as girlfriend Cameron Diaz has jumped to her feet on several occasions – clapping wildly and whistling while in the middle of wet and torrid sexual encounters. (more…)

Loser. Self-loathing Red Sox fan Jerry O'Hanlon takes it all in stride.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Having seen their archrival begin the 2011 season with six losses and no victories, the New York Yankees announced late Thursday night that they have accepted a forfeit of the three-game weekend series in Boston, before the games have even been played.

“We talked about it on the plane after thumping Minnesota again,” Yankees manager Joe Girardi said.  ”At first the boys on the team weren’t so sure, figuring it would be more fun to dominate them on the field as usual – followed of course by the ceremonial, candle lit, paddling in the locker room with the more than palpable homoerotic undertones – but after a few beers it became unanimous.”

Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman called the Red Sox main offices from the plane to convey the news. (more…)

The Rod Squad.” White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen gives Alex Rodriguez some pointers on crotch adjusting in this undated photo. “Ozzie’s a real pro at this.” said A-Rod.

TAMPA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has long had a very methodical approach to hitting – a style which has had him on the fast track to Cooperstown since day one. Every batter has a routine while taking the walk from the on deck circle to the batter’s box, and A-Rod is no different. However, he has recently added a new dimension to his overall hitting preparation; the crotch adjustment. Rodriguez added the adjustment on Saturday and was still trying to step into the batter’s box to take some practice swings when this article was written.

“I’ve been in baseball a lot of years and seen a lot of guys fiddle with their junk,” said Yankee skipper Joe Girardi. “But Alex can’t find the zone, which has been holding up everything.” (more…)

Rub a Dub Flub. Madame Force’s rub down finishes apparently don’t live up to the deep tissue massages.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – New York Yankee star Alex Rodriguez, no stranger to making news for his off-field behavior, has done it again. This time its not as a result of his entanglement with aging pop stars, but for the stunning details of his repeat visits to Madame Force, a little known Queens-based massage therapist, now known as the Tri-State Area’s undisputed champion of “Mediocre Endings.” (more…)

Yard Work. H. Prescott Kent lunching on his fabulously sprawling estate in Southampton with his Aunt Carolyn. They're celebrating Prescott's good news that a famous Latin athlete will "go yard" just for him.

LONG ISLAND, NY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Just days before his twenty-first birthday, H. Prescott Kent of the Southampton, New York Kents, learned he’d be receiving an unusual present. Slugger Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees announced he would hit a homerun for the young, cultivated eligible bachelor. Kent says he’s not a baseball fan, but may look in on the proceedings in a game scheduled against the Kansas City Royals this weekend when A-Rod could be going for his 600th career dinger, unless he reaches the mark sooner. “It’s nice of Mr. Rod to do whatever he’s going to do for me,” Kent said. “If I’m so inclined, I may take in the game live or watch it in Daddy’s study.” (more…)

Agita. Tommy Lasorda pitching Rolaids in the 80's. Those were the days.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Major League Baseball doesn’t want any eleventh hour surprises going into the 2010 season like Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriguez provided the past couple of years with steroids. So naturally the MLB brain trust has decided to react by slipping into McCarthy-esque hysteria.

The commissioner’s office announced this morning it was banning Rolaids, the popular, over-the-counter stomach acid reducing tablets. (more…)

Base Hit Centaur Field. A-Rod's boy wants to tell all.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Before Game Six of the World Series between the New York Yankees and the Philadelphia Phillies, Alex Rodriguez confirmed something yesterday several lovers have claimed; He has a portrait of himself as a centaur (half man – half horse) above his bed. (more…)