Posts Tagged ‘Baltimore Ravens’

Super Bowl: Tom Brady Engineers Spectacular 4th Quarter Cheese Dip

Monday, February 8th, 2016

You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. Brady was “manning” the dip.

SANTA CLARA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme was Old VS New. With the help of the sensational defense, the Denver Broncos defeated the upstart Carolina Panthers 24-10, setting up a retirement for the ages for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, back in the Boston area, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady took in the game with family and friends. With the game still on the line at the beginning of the fourth quarter, be it nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — Brady was prepared to spring into action.

“I fired up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Brady chimed.

“Trust me when I tell ya, that was some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” said tight end Rob Gronkowski. “TB has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)


SUPER BOWL UPDATE: Manhunt for Missing Superdome Electrician Continues

Monday, February 4th, 2013

When In Doubt, Hunt. The massive search is still on for Lamar Landmesser.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The nail biting 4th quarter of Super Bowl XLVII may have resulted in a 34-31 Baltimore Ravens victory in the first brother vs. brother championship, but that scenario took a back seat to the drama which continues to unfold in the Louisiana swamps.

Under the direction of infuriated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the league has sprung into action with a massive manhunt. They’re sparing no expense to hunt down and if necessary shoot and kill Lamar Landmesser, the chief electrician at the Superdome.  (more…)


Harbaugh Family Can’t Decide Who’s the Bigger Douchebag

Monday, January 21st, 2013

SUPE-HarbaughWL. The big game featuring Jim (left) and John Harbaugh is a painful reminder to some family members.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s two Harbaughs for the price of one. Super Bowl XLVII will feature two brothers coaching head to head for the first time in the NFL Championship’s long history when the Baltimore Ravens take on the San Francisco 49ers on February 3, 2013 at the Superdome.

Apparently Jim and John Harbaugh have a reputation of being no-nonsense tough guys and not the warm and fuzziest people on earth.  (more…)


Real Refs Return to Find Replacement Refs Moved All Their Shit Around

Thursday, September 27th, 2012

It's Official! The "real" refs are back.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) There are a lot of happy people in the world of professional football today. Everyone from players and coaches to the fans and bookies can breathe a collective sigh of relief as the abysmal job the replacement referees did can now be put to rest. The NFL owners and referees have come to an agreement, and beginning with Thursday night’s game between and the Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns, the “real” refs will officiate.

There is one disgruntled party – the real refs. Sure, they’re happy the lockout is over, but they returned to a mess.  (more…)


Steven Tyler Apologizes to Newly Deaf WWII Vet for National Anthem

Thursday, January 26th, 2012

You Like My Music Pops? Steven Tyler tries to right a wrong and fails.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Alec Hotko, a 94 year old veteran of World War II, has remained in remarkably good health through the years. He attributes it to what he calls “clean living.” But Hotko was with family last Sunday when he suddenly lost nearly all his hearing just moments after Aerosmith legend Steven Tyler’s universally panned rendition of The Star Spangled Banner roared through his grandson’s home theatre system. Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem was sung shortly before the AFC Title Game between the Baltimore Ravens and Hotko’s hometown New England Patriots.

“I can’t hear a blasted thing now thanks to that pinko commie longhaired little punk.” the Battle of Anzio veteran lamented. (more…)


Anquan Boldin on Ray Rice’s Pet Cobra in Locker Room: “That’s Some Crazy Ass F#%kin’ Sh*t!”

Thursday, December 8th, 2011

Pretty Snakey. Ray Rice's pet cobra outside the Raven's locker room.

BALTIMORE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Baltimore Ravens wide receiver, Anquan Boldin loves and respects teammate Ray Rice, but isn’t crazy about the running back’s pet.

Rice enjoys bringing his pet King Cobra, Mr. Snuggles, into the Raven’s locker room and turning him loose.

“That’s some crazy ass fuckin’ shit right there y’all.” chimed Boldin. “He was sizing up my Johnson like he wanted to mate with it or some shit. Damn.”

But Rice begs to differ. (more…)


Patriots’ Generous Move of Spotting Ravens 24 First Quarter Points Backfires

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

Point Spotting.  Tom Brady was jacked up to lead his team back from a 24 point deficit. At least for a while.

Point Spotting. Tom Brady was jacked up to lead his team back from a 24 point deficit. At least for a while.

FOXBOROUGH, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New England Patriots’ Head Coach Bill Belichick’s strategy of spotting the Baltimore Ravens 24 first quarter points was apparently the wrong one as the Ravens were able to not only hold on, but win convincingly 33-14. (more…)