A meal fit for a Prince. Tigers’ slugger Prince Fielder has some serious eating to do. And he’ll get first crack at this bad boy.

DETROIT (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Detroit Tigers rotund slugger Prince Fielder has asked Director of Clubhouse Operations Larry Corsica to have his locker moved along side of the team’s buffet table. “I had to walk past Alex Avila, Justin Verlander and a slew of reporters just to get to the pizza, pasta and pierogies,” Fielder bemoaned. “By the time I got there it was picked over and breathed on – drops of spittle from Lord knows who. That’s bullshit. But no more.”

“Prince is one of the leaders of this ball club,” said manager Jim Leyland. “He’s a star in this town – a very large star. And with a professional eater of Prince’s stature…well, let’s just say I wouldn’t want to get in his way when he’s fixin’ to get his chops around a plate of Veal Scaloppini.” (more…)

Where’s there’s a Gil, There’s a Way. Marty Corson is still waiting for Gus Gil’s autograph.

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Martin Corson was 14 years old in 1969 when he visited Sick’s Stadium in Seattle to watch major league baseball with his dad. The Seattle Pilots were one of two new American League teams to enter the majors (the other was the Kansas City Royals) as part of baseball’s expansion. However, interest in the team wasn’t particularly high, and attendance suffered. The team moved the very next season and became the Milwaukee Brewers, where they’ve remained since 1970. (more…)

Does This Cross the Line? Local kids enjoy taunting the former light hitting infielder.

CHIHUAHUA, MEXICO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former Major League slick fielding but notoriously light hitting infielder, Mario Mendoza attempts to live a quiet, secluded life in the hills around his Chihuahua home. But in the age of instant information, even this small Mexican hamlet isn’t immune to young children learning everything they can about the man who made the “Mendoza Line” famous.

“When you’re hitting below the Mendoza Line, like I am now, you hear about it.” said Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth, who left the Phillies for a 126 million dollar deal in the nation’s capital.

It is widely accepted that the mythical Mendoza Line is hitting below .200 – but in actuality – Mendoza’s lifetime batting average was .215.

Now Mendoza himself is the target of children’s taunts as they retrieve errant baseballs and soccer balls from his yard. As they cross his property line they shout “Look, even I can play over the Mendoza Line.”

“He’s something of a local legend here.” says town mayor Juan Carlos Moreno. “Particularly when he trips over garbage cans as he exits Pepe’s Cantina at 3:00 o’clock in the morning.” (more…)

Dodger Blew! Lousy, is how most LA fans feel about their beloved boys of summer.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It seems a once proud and iconic baseball franchise has been reduced to a punch line. The Los Angeles Dodgers, struggling to make payroll this month, might have to be rescued by Major League Baseball to fulfill their contractual obligations to their players.

The team has not buried their head in the sand, however. (more…)

Andy Did It Again. Pettitte moments after felling one of his teammates with a steamroller.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Long time New York Yankees pitcher Andy Pettitte, announced his retirement from baseball on Friday after establishing himself has one of the greatest post-season pitchers in history.

Pettitte’s announcement leaves the Yankees with a huge void in their already suspect pitching rotation. But most of his teammates breathed a sigh of relief they’ll no longer have to endure excruciating towel snaps, Ben-Gay enemas, and shit-stained underpants at the buffet table. (more…)

Hit for the Recycle? Not anymore.

MINNEAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It took fourteen years, but the pitcher known as the Dutchman is finally in the Hall of Fame. Bert Blyleven, still fifth on the all-time Major League strikeout list, got the call on Wednesday informing him that he was inducted into the hallowed halls of Cooperstown.

“I’m thrilled,” said Blyleven. “And with all due respect, its about fuckin’ time.”

The selection of Blyleven along with second baseman Roberto Alomar, forces the Sportsman’s Daily to retire an article that has been recycled on numerous occasions about two college girls, Tara Raymond and Colleen Banks, who said they’d hold their breath till Blyleven was inducted.

The girls can now breathe easy after holding their breath for three years since the article was first published in 2008. (more…)

Silence of the Lamb Chops. Osama's recipe leaves diners speechless - but compared to FOX's anticipated World Series ratings, his cooking show will make some noise.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) They were hoping for a Yankees-Phillies matchup, a repeat of last year’s World Series. It wasn’t meant to be, as both the Yanks and Phils showed up with less than stellar offensive schemes. So, with a San Francisco Giants-Texas Rangers Fall Classic as the default, FOX is expecting a major dip in the ratings.

“We had some high level meetings about how we could possibly boost viewership,” said play-by-play man Joe Buck. “Tim (McCarver) suggested we do the show nude – in an effort to perhaps entice some of the ladies. But that was killed early on. Then the idea of having exploding bases was floated out there. A sort of Russian Roulette for would be base stealers, but the Player’s Union balked. So, I guess we’re just gonna have to take our lumps and enjoy it.” (more…)

Hugs and Pisses. Is the interlocking NY holy? Nope.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Before the New York Yankees became the Yankees, that is before they pried away a guy named George Herman Ruth from the cash strapped Boston Red Sox on January 3, 1920, they were looking up at teams like the Sawks, the cross town New York Giants, and the mighty Philadelphia A’s. Its hard to believe there was a time in sports when the Yankees were just another team.

But they were.

And they still are just another team. Like the Lakers and Celtics and Canadiens and Cowboys and Steelers are just “another” team. (more…)

September Rush. Pennant Fever leads to Limbaugh's latest miscue.

PALM BEACH, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Conservative talk show host, self appointed messiah of the Republican party, three time divorcee, and sports fan Rush Limbaugh could find himself in a heap of trouble again after doctor shopping in Palm Beach County for Zoxydian, an experimental drug believed to relieve the symptoms of a common but non life-threatening condition known as pennant fever.

Zoxydian has not been approved by the FDA. Limbaugh agreed to submit to taking small doses to combat what he calls “an uncontrollable urge to plop my fat ass in front of a sixty inch TV monitor for three hours a night and drink in the majesty of the September pennant drive.” (more…)

Pretty Machete Attitude. Anthony Genovese of Havertown, PA is just as excited about the weekend series as anyone.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Gearing up for a weekend series during the pennant drive in Philadelphia and you can expect boundless energy.  Perhaps more than the Washington Nationals and a few visiting fans making the trek up I-95 to the City of Brotherly Love are accustomed to.  The Nats and their relatively laid back, casual fans, were told to prepare for the onslaught of the classic Philadelphia sports fan – the crazed, passionate fanatics who in the past have been able to rattle pitchers off the mound with booing and yelling.

Apparently the Phillies and their fans have something extra special in store for the team from nation’s capital. (more…)

Asteroid Rage. Mark McGwire denies he ingested asteroid fragments. Then breaks down and admits he did "something."

NASA Supplied Former Slugger with Space Dust Particles in Effort to Be More Cosmic

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Major League Baseball’s league office in New York is concerned a new scandal is looming. Though the spelling is only one letter off, the effects of (a)steroids pose an entirely new set of problems for former Major League slugger Mark McGwire, and possibly others.

It is now alleged that McGwire regularly used asteroids. (more…)

Votto's Grotto. Joey's new mob hangout or fan club?

CINCINNATI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Carlo Rizzi. Paul Vitti. Fictional mobsters from the movies.

Add Joey Votto to the list. Though Votto isn’t fictional, you couldn’t convince members of the Gambino Crime Family the Reds slugging first baseman wasn’t one of them.

“Nice Italian boy with a big fuckin’ bat,” said Caporegime, James “Jimmy Googatz” Micinelli. “You better believe he’s a made man. Anybody throws at this guy’s head ever, and I’ll break their fuckin’ legs!” (more…)