Posts Tagged ‘Bill Belichick’

Belichick Working to Sneak Buttered Footballs Into Seattle’s Super Bowl Allotment

Thursday, January 22nd, 2015
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Get a Grip! Let’s see the Seahawks hang on to this puppy.

GLENDALE, AZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New England Patriots Head Coach, Bill Belichick has been working around the clock to figure a way to replace the Seattle Seahawks allotment of league authorized footballs for the Super Bowl with buttered ones.

“I’ve been on the phone with Anthony ‘Tony Cholesterol’ Randazzo and the fine folks over at Land-O-Lakes to work a little eleventh hour magic on Super Bowl Sunday,” said the Pats’ big honcho. “Take it from me, in cold weather, deflated balls can make a difference. But the weather should be pristine in Arizona, so we’re going with butter. I suspect it’ll play havoc with the other team’s grip. We’ll do anything to gain an advantage. If it requires a tasty dairy product strategically slathered on the old pigskin, so be it.” (more…)


More Allegations of Spying Arise as Belichick Seen Lurking Out John Fox’s Bedroom Window

Friday, January 17th, 2014
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Belichick At Your Cervix. Pats’ Head Coach claims he’s retrieving an errant golfball.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nearly seven years after Spygate, when New England Patriots’ Head Coach, Bill Belichick was fined $500,000 for videotaping New York Jets defensive signals during a regular season game, an even stranger incident has occurred.

Belichick was seen peering in the bedroom window of Denver Broncos’ Head Coach, John Fox to watch he and his wife engage in what Belichick calls ‘playing in the red zone.’

“Far be it from me to knock what a guy does on his down time.” sympathized Fox. “And lord knows he’s given a lot to this game, but it’s getting to be a fella can’t mount his wife without someone taking a peek.”

Dr. L. Xavier Menzies, a sports psychologist who grew up across the street from the Patriots’ coach was contacted by the Sportsman’s Daily and issued the following statement:  (more…)


Bill Belichick to Be Thawed Out Later Today

Tuesday, January 7th, 2014
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Just Chillin’. Bill Belichick hopes to come around later today.

FOXBOROUGH, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Compared to what the middle of the country is dealing with, the single digits seem downright balmy, but it was still chilly enough to put New Enland Patriots Head Coach, Bill Belichick in a deep freeze.  The veteran coach apparently stayed outside too long during practice and didn’t dress in layers as he was told.

“It’s basic for Christ’s sake. This isn’t the first time this has happened.” fumed team owner Robert Kraft. “You start with thermal underwear, then tee shirts, flannel, then sweatshirts, then a thick coat and finally the windbreaker. What does he do? He goes out there with a hunting jacket you’d wear in late September. What a dick!”  (more…)


Belichick One Ups Rex Ryan; Admits to Rare Ear Fetish

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

Ear's Billy!!! Bill Belichick skulks around to get an eyeful of ear.

FOXBOROUGH, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the news of New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan’s foot fetish video leaking onto YouTube, a media frenzy has now erupted around Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots.

Belichick admitted to a rare ear fetish.

“I’m into Q-Tips,” said Belichick. “Any kind of swab basically. I enjoy sniffing ear wax. The hard of hearing really get my juices flowing. And I’ve got a headphone collection that would make the folks at Sony sit up and take notice.”

YouTube Preview Image (more…)


Patriots’ Generous Move of Spotting Ravens 24 First Quarter Points Backfires

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

Point Spotting.  Tom Brady was jacked up to lead his team back from a 24 point deficit. At least for a while.

Point Spotting. Tom Brady was jacked up to lead his team back from a 24 point deficit. At least for a while.

FOXBOROUGH, MA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New England Patriots’ Head Coach Bill Belichick’s strategy of spotting the Baltimore Ravens 24 first quarter points was apparently the wrong one as the Ravens were able to not only hold on, but win convincingly 33-14. (more…)


Defiant in the Face of Criticism, Belichick Lobbies NFL to Implement Fifth Down

Monday, November 16th, 2009

Beli-Up.  BB's decision to "go for it" on fourth down might have been a boo-boo.

Beli-Up. BB's decision to "go for it" on fourth down might have been a boo-boo.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In what is being called the worst coaching decision of his storied career, New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick elected to go for the one yard needed deep in his own territory on fourth down to essentially guarantee a Pats victory.  The move backfired as the Colts stopped the drive and went on win the game 35-34 with less than two minutes to play. Before even making the decision, TV analysts were imploring Belichick to punt. (more…)


Phil Jackson Prepares to Coach 2009-2010 Season from Home Office

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Phil Jackson is getting set to join the legions of working men and women across the country who get up every morning, slip into their bathrobe and slippers, throw some cold water on their face, brew a pot of coffee and take the brief commute to their home office. Citing health concerns, Jackson plans to let assistant coach Kurt Rambis man the sidelines for road games , while Jackson oversees the action from either his home office or via a wi-fi connection at his neighborhood StarBucks.
“The technology’s there, we’ve got a veteran ball club, I think it can work,” said Jackson, via his newly installed webcam. “We had a couple of IT guys in to lay down the network and hook me up with a super-fast connection. I’ll get video streams from the sidelines and I’ve got a guy coming in tomorrow to show me how to diagram plays remotely using this cool new whiteboard technology. The guys don’t need me to be there to hold their hands – and frankly there are stretches during games when there are about a million more productive things I can be doing with my time. Now, instead of sitting there like an idiot, I can hit the proverbial pause button, walk to the refrig, catch up on some reading, or just stare off into space.  By the time the fourth quarter rolls around I’m fresh, alert and engaged. Wish I thought of this sooner.”
Kevin Jackson, a 35 year old network engineer and rabid Lakers’ fan, thinks Jackson’s use of technology can actually improve communications with his team and produce even better results.
“Definitely. After a while players tune you out, even if you are Phil Jackson. You need to find new ways to communicate. And each guy responds differently. After a while Phil will find out which guys like to text, which guys prefer to get their daily motivational koan via email, or which guys need to reamed out via a video chat session.  Once he gets the hang of the technology he’ll be great. Hell, hook him up with an iPhone, plunk him down in a Starbucks and we’re looking at a 70 win season and an 11th ring. Take it to the bank.”
Several veteran coaches found the idea of Jackson’s work-at-home plans intriguing. Pat Riley, who notoriously used fax technology to submit his resignation from the Knicks, considered it “worth looking into.”  New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick, a legendary technophile, could barely restrain his jealousy.
“You mean he gets to sit at home and have no human interaction with his players? And I can get surveillance streams directly to my desktop?  Really? Where do I sign?”

Phil Jackson trades the sideline for the shoreline as he sports new look for upcoming 2009-2010 season.

Phil Jackson trades the sideline for the shoreline as he sports new look for upcoming 2009-2010 season.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Phil Jackson is getting set to join the legions of working men and women across the country who get up every morning, slip into their bathrobe and slippers, throw some cold water on their face, brew a pot of coffee and take the brief commute to their home office. Citing health concerns, Jackson plans to let assistant coach Kurt Rambis man the sidelines for road games , while Jackson oversees the action from either his home office or via a wi-fi connection at his neighborhood StarBucks. (more…)