According to James Lipton, the insufferable boot-licking host of Actors Studio, NBA "acting" would embarrass even William Shatner.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — There was a time when drama meant a game that went down to the final seconds. Now, it just as often refers to the amateurish over-acting of NBA drama queens who wouldn’t know Constantin Stanislavski from Peja Stoyakavich.  James Lipton, the famously finicky host of Actor’s Studio, says that instead of working the refs, the NBA’s most blatant offenders should spend more time working on their “lamentably under-developed” acting chops. Lipton believes the “epidemic” of lousy acting is making an NBA game harder to sit through than a Steven Seagall movie.

“The so-called acting we’re seeing out there on the floor is just abominable – where’s the motivation, where’s the inner anguish…it’s all just externalized claptrap without the emotional ballast that underpins a credible performance,” sniffed Lipton. “The primal shrieks, girlish gasps, absurd flopping, the wide-eyed looks of disbelief, the ironic smirks…bad, bad, bad. Just abysmal.” Lipton shuddered as though he’d just wakened to find himself in a pornographic Ed Wood film.

“I’m not saying you can turn Kevin Garnett into Denzel Washington overnight,” said Lipton, “but with training, a Nicholas Cage-caliber performance is well within reach. Let’s face it, a Celtics-Heat game ain’t Shakespeare, but let’s not turn it into a poorly dubbed Japanese horror flick with turnovers, mental lapses and shoddy fourth quarter execution in the final reel.” (more…)

Answer This. What's AI think he's doing?

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former Philadelphia 76ers superstar Allen Iverson returned to South Philly Wednesday night to serve as a motivating force for players and fans alike. It worked. The Sixers managed to force the heavily favored Boston Celtics to a Game 7 in Boston.  Whether they can parlay the win to making the Eastern Conference Finals remains to be seen.

Although the celebratory atmosphere quickly spilled from the floor into the locker room, the mood soon changed when Iverson refused to leave.

“His silent, lingering glares as players were showering made for an awkward, uncomfortable post game experience.” said Sixers Head Coach Doug Collins. “I understand how much he misses the game and still wishes he was playing, but gawking at Lavoy Allen’s junk isn’t the way of expressing it.”  (more…)

Green Rondo ala Quirk. Rajon Rondo's oddity is quirky to say the least.

ORLANDO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a story that is quickly overshadowing the Western Conference’s 152-149 victory in the NBA All-Star Game, Rajon Rondo stunned teammates when the Celtics guard revealed he has an extra appendage just to the left of his penis.

“Yeah man, I really didn’t need to see that. Not one bit.” said Philadelphia 76ers all-star Andre Iguodala. “I reminded me of an overstuffed cannoli.” (more…)

TSD's "sideline" reporter, Ric Testaverde.

Ric “Word” Testaverde

First, a shout out to my boys over at the Daily. Taking a shot on an inmate ain’t no simple thing. I mean, anyone who been reading my shit for the past four years knows I got game. Of course if you’ve been reading my shit you’re doing time, unless you’re one of them fucked up cats that subscribe to prison rags – in which case you’re probably some fat, horny chick with a big ole ass hanging out of a thong who likes baking us them cakes that taste like burnt rubber and cotton balls. Big Sid over in Cell Block C, he sucks em down, me, I get one of them nasty ass things and I’m putting it under the pillow of some cat whose head I wanna see over a toilet bowl, puke pouring out like shit from a busted septic tank.

But I got to give the TSD dudes props – not just for giving me a shot, but hey, I’m out in three years and I’ll be looking for a steady gig. I been in five federal pens in the past eight years. The day I’m out first place I go is the Daily home office to thank the fellas and make a couple of calls. I got plans. (more…)

A Beautiful Mine. The celebration goes on and on as Shaq's career is unearthed.

COPIAPO, CHILE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The positive and inspiring news from Chile that thirty three miners were found alive and subsequently rescued from a Chilean mine got even better this morning as rescuers produced what is believed to be the career of Shaquille O’Neal from a depth of 2,500 feet below the surface.

“I’m not even really into basketball,” said rescue worker Manuel Rivera. “But this is pretty cool. I’ve heard the great Shaq Diesel’s career has been in the proverbial shitter for at least four seasons. So, from what I’m told, this is a very unexpected and pleasant surprise.”

(more…)

If you thought his team mates steered clear of Kobe on the floor, they were no where to be seen as he stormed into the locker room looking to pin blame for their Game 2 loss.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – When it was over, there wasn’t a Laker to be found…anywhere. Only fifteen seconds after the Lakers lost Game 2 to the Boston Celtics, the home team’s locker room was mysteriously empty and if not for the solitary figure of Kobe Bryant calling out his “punkass” team mates and heaving every object not nailed down (including a Japanese reporter), eerily quiet.

“I hate you! I hate you!” fumed Bryant. “I hate you, hate you, hate you!”

Onlookers unfamiliar with Kobe’s juvenile tantrums were as stunned as Staples Center fans who had just witnessed the Lakers lose the second game in the Finals against the (marginally) underdog Celtics.   Kobe was uncharacteristically ineffectual, his frustration mounting as the game progressed. (more…)

Shaquille O'Neal demonstrates off-season game face, which is usually followed by a bone-weary sigh and a two hour "power" nap.

MIAMI, FL (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Thirty-eight year old Shaquille O’Neal played the better part of the regular season like an aging opera star protecting his vocal chords. But by the time the 2010 playoffs rolled around, the Cleveland Cavaliers could not  have done worse if they had Italian tenor Pavarotti in the paint, going down to the aging Boston Celtics.

When Shaq announced his intentions to return for the 2010-2011 campaign — possibly beyond — he was asked if he planned on committing to a more rigorous off-season regimen than was his custom.  It’s no secret that Shaq’s off-season typically consists of an endless cycle of public appearances, commercial shoots, lavish Caribbean vacations, star-studded parties and galas and, yes, even house chores. While he mumbled some words to the effect that he planned on getting his creaky 38 year old body ready for one, possibly two more seasons,  friends and associates privately admit that he’s been thus far unable – perhaps unwilling — to commit to the off-season, his lack of focus and energy in mid-season form. (more…)

(Kevin Garnett’s post-season resurgence prompts us to dig out this TSD Classique)

The artist currently known as Prince goes into deep funk as he tries forgetting about the team formerly known as the Timberwolves.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – News that Timberwolves completed a blockbuster trade that sent 10-time All-Star Kevin Garnett to the Celtics, sent shockwaves through the state of Minnesota – though one Minneapolis native took the news harder than most. Since learning of the trade, enigmatic rock star and self-professed Timberwolves fanatic Prince has been in seclusion at Paisley Park, his sprawling recording compound, reportedly in a deep, unrelieved funk. (more…)

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As the Celtics mounted a furious come-from behind fourth quarter rally to stun the Orlando Magic 92-88 and go up 3-2 in their Eastern Conference semi-final,  47 year old Knicks fan Ira Berday found himself chewing on a bath towel and weeping uncontrollably. It was then that the New Jersey native now living in Boca Raton, Florida realized he’d fallen hard.

How a staunch  Knicks fan who grew up with posters of Willis Reed and Walt “Clyde” Frazier on his bedroom walls, who lived and died with the Knicks of Bernard King, John Starks, Patrick Ewing – even Stephon Marbury for goodness sakes – could find himself starry-eyed over a team he once loathed is a mystery – particularly to Mr. Berday. (more…)