Posts Tagged ‘Cardinals’

FOX Taps Tim McCarver to Once Again State Painfully Obvious During World Series

Wednesday, October 23rd, 2013


“A game winning homer would send these fans home happy!” No shit Sherlock. Tim McCarver’s maddening grasp of the obvious has worn thin with even the most casual of baseball fans.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) —FOX Sports will once again pair Joe Buck and Tim McCarver in the broadcast booth during the upcoming World Series.

“’Horror.’ That’s the overall sentiment among most baseball fans as the agonizing color commentary of (former major league catcher and long time analyst) Tim McCarver permeates the airwaves.” says John Harbidge, TV writer for the Boston Globe. “Personally, when I hear that Tennessee drawl fused with his excruciatingly witless plays on words, and the uncanny knack for over-dramatizing a routine grounder, I want to plunge a shrimp fork into my corroded artery. I swear, I’d blow a Navy Seal in Macy’s window at high noon just to see Dustin Pedroia foul off a one-hundred mile per hour pitch back into the broadcast booth with the window open striking McCarver in the temple. Anything to shut that fucker up!” (more…)

All Hands on Deck; Cardinals Call Up Frankenstein’s Monster

Thursday, October 6th, 2011

Being Frank. Cardinals like his skills.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It all comes down to Game 5 in the NLDS.  The team with the most wins this season, the Philadelphia Phillies and the scrappy, never say die Cardinals will match up in an elimination game in the City of Brotherly Love.

Cards’ skipper, Tony La Russa, has moved hurler Octavio Dotel off the roster and replaced him with Frankenstein’s Monster.

“This gives us some options.” said La Russa. “He’s a switch hitter. He can get hot, but not “on fire” hot, as he detests fire. He’s not a speed merchant, but is not adverse to tearing the limbs off a second baseman to break up a double play. Plus, if I decide to pitch him for a hitter or two, you’re looking at Randy Johnson type height on the bump. That’s an intimidating presence out there. Granted, Randy was uglier.” (more…)

New Allegations: Mark McGwire Now Admits He Did Asteroids

Thursday, August 19th, 2010

Asteroid Rage. Mark McGwire denies he ingested asteroid fragments. Then breaks down and admits he did "something."

NASA Supplied Former Slugger with Space Dust Particles in Effort to Be More Cosmic

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Major League Baseball’s league office in New York is concerned a new scandal is looming. Though the spelling is only one letter off, the effects of (a)steroids pose an entirely new set of problems for former Major League slugger Mark McGwire, and possibly others.

It is now alleged that McGwire regularly used asteroids. (more…)

After Benches Clearing Brawl, Reds’ Joey Votto Mistaken For Made Man at Gambino Mixer

Wednesday, August 11th, 2010

Votto's Grotto. Joey's new mob hangout or fan club?

CINCINNATI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Carlo Rizzi. Paul Vitti. Fictional mobsters from the movies.

Add Joey Votto to the list. Though Votto isn’t fictional, you couldn’t convince members of the Gambino Crime Family the Reds slugging first baseman wasn’t one of them.

“Nice Italian boy with a big fuckin’ bat,” said Caporegime, James “Jimmy Googatz” Micinelli. “You better believe he’s a made man. Anybody throws at this guy’s head ever, and I’ll break their fuckin’ legs!” (more…)

An Addendum to Seeing Red in a Desensitized World

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

The Picture WERTH a Thousand Words. Phillies outfielder Jayson Werth gets a glimpse of the Philly genius who halted play.

Shortly after I published my take on television coverage of fan’s unruly behavior on the field of play – I’m for showing it on TV, but actually against pulling the stupid stunt – my partner in crime here at TSD, Charles Epstein, respectfully disagreed with me. He feels giving exposure to these goofballs would inspire copycat acts. I believe that the whopping fine, possible tasering, and potential jail time is enough of a deterrent to discourage following in the footsteps of the lower IQers. Its not, apparently. Charles, you could be right. (more…)