Posts Tagged ‘Carolina Panthers’

Bleak Week: Chip Kelly Takes Eagles to Sweden For Film Festival

Monday, October 26th, 2015
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Shattering. Eagles and Bergman. Not very different.

STOCKHOLM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) For devotees of the bleak, angst- ridden themes of Scandinavian cinema, comes an event that will certainly ratchet up their collective weltschmerz — the Philadelphia Eagles are coming.

“We look at this as an opportunity for two cultures to learn from each other,” said Eagles Head Coach, Chip Kelly aboard a Monday morning charter flight to Stockholm during the team’s bye week.

After another sobering loss, this time to the Carolina Panthers, 27-16, fans of the Eagles are comparing the profound letdown of the 2015 season to the darkest days of the mid 1970s version of the team. Then, the desire to drink heavily and plunge shrimp forks into their carotid arteries was commonplace.

As he required his players to binge watch the films of Sweden’s celebrated director, Ingmar Bergman while in flight, Kelly was quick to point out the stunning similarities of that country’s most famous filmmaker, and the current state of his team.    (more…)

NFL Season Starts with a Bang Leaving 46 Dead, Scores Injured

Monday, September 8th, 2014

For Whom the Bell Foles. Philly QB Nick Foles took his share of hits on Sunday.



PHILADELPHIA  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — While week one claimed its fair share of on-field casualties — most notably the concussion suffered by the entire front line of the Dallas Cowboys — viewers watching at home were hit particularly hard: 36 died instantly from massive coronaries, four were shot and killed during a halftime beer run, and six died in their sleep during lulls in the action. Thousands sustained injuries, ranging from brain aneurysms to minor muscle sprains.  


“For the passionate football fan, who is typically overweight and grossly out-of-shape, week one is a serious injury waiting to happen,” said Dr. Stuart Rothenberg, head cardiologist at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Minneapolis. “The build-up and anticipation, combined with the consumption of alcohol and junk food, on top of which you have the ever-present threat of domestic violence as wives and girlfriends are pushed to the side, intermittently dropping passive aggressive asides at the worst possible moments…well, it’s just a toxic, at times lethal, cocktail. Statistically, you have a better chance of avoiding injury — even death — on the football field.”
The NFL hopes to see a decline in the rise in brain concussions, which has already claimed several fans watching at home.

“Sandy was watching the Eagles game in the family room, he had a bunch of friends over to watch it in high def on our new 62 inch TV,” said Sandy Rose’s wife, 52-year old Cherry Hill, NJ resident, Miriam Rose. “The Jaguars were chasing Nick (Foles) out of the pocket when suddenly one of them lunged — it looked like he was going to crash right into our living room! What a picture! So crisp and lifelike!! We all kind of jumped; Sandy did too, but he fell backwards over the couch and hit his head on the tile floor. When he came to — he was out for ten minutes — we couldn’t bring ourselves to tell him that Nick tweaked his shoulder. Poor kid.” Miriam paused. “Sandy’s listed as day-t0-day, but we’re confident he’ll be ready for the the Colts next week.”


Guy From Loading Dock Doesn’t Give a Flying F**k About Remaining Four Teams

Monday, January 13th, 2014

Free Floating Hostility. The foreman lays it down.

PLYMOUTH, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Loading dock foreman, Walter Slavish, 48, arrived at work Monday morning at 5:30, placed his lunchbox in his locker and proceeded to go on a ten minute expletive filled tirade about the four remaining NFL teams in line for the Superbowl.

“Once my Steelers got knocked out, I decided to rally a bit behind the (Carolina) Panthers.” said the father of three. “Then, after that went down in flames yesterday, I decided it was in my best interest to not give a flying fuck who wins the motherfuckin’ thing. Why invest my hard earned emotional attachment to people who I don’t even know? In fact, come to think of it…I’m not even sure why I root for the Steelers. You think they give a shit? Are the Steelers gonna help me fix my broken water heater? Are the Steelers gonna pay for my kid’s braces? Are the Steelers gonna be in my corner when word comes out that I’ve got a girlfriend on the side – that when my wife Darlene finds out will be the end of life as I know it? Fuck no!  They’re nothing but a buncha overpriced pant loads with endorsement deals who wouldn’t know a goddamned open end wrench from a fuckin’ can opener. All due respect.” (more…)