La Russa Invented Baseball. Just ask him.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) When Tony La Russa invented baseball in 1979, the sports world was a dark and desolate place. Before his arrival, a game which on the surface appeared like baseball was being played primarily in concrete donuts known as mutli-purpose stadiums.

But with LaRussa’s arrival, the game we know today was conceived. “Forget everything you know about the mockery of a sham that passed itself off as something I invented called baseball.” the 66 year old skipper snapped. “If I want to bat my pitcher eighth in the lineup, so be it. If I want have my players eat their post game dinner before the game, who’s gonna stop me? If I want to take my starting pitcher out in the second inning, I’m gonna show him up in front of 44,000 screaming fans.” (more…)

Uncle Charlie's Pissed. Phillies skipper Charlie Manuel is angry Ryan Howard risked life and limb, but is intrigued nonetheless by the slugger's epic blast.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Aided by an 82 MPH gust from Hurricane Irene, Phillies slugger Ryan Howard clubbed a mammoth 945 foot home run late Saturday evening as he and several teammates hung back for batting practice, directly defying team orders.

“I know it was a little dangerous,” said Howard. “But I wanted to see if I could get a ball up in that airstream, and I did. Bitch went a mile and carried right on out of the ballpark.”

Teammate Jimmy Rollins captured the moment with his iPhone, and the video has become an overnight sensation. (more…)

Kiss Me Kate. Outfielder Raul Ibanez can't resist flashing some leather to impress the effervescent Katelyn.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Philadelphia Phillies left fielder Raul Ibanez may not be a Gold Glove winner, but lately he’s improved his defense. He attributes this to Phillies leftfield ball girl “Katelyn.”

“What can I say? She inspires me with that come-hither stare,” said Ibanez. “And quite frankly, it just makes me fall to pieces. She’ll hit me with a smartly placed lick of the lips as she’s bending over to retrieve an errant foul ball and I’m motivated to crash into the wall for her risking life and limb.”

“I’m not too worried,” said Ibanez’s wife Teryvette shrugging off any notion of serious shenanigans. “He might crash into the wall for Katelyn, but he makes runs to the convenience store at two in the morning for me unless he’s out of town playing the Giants.”

Phillies veteran maintenance man Mike Vogel has seen it all before. (more…)

Wall Order. Shane Victorino practices the wall technique earlier this season in Chicago.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s Game 5 and the San Francisco Giants lead the NLCS three games to one. For Philadelphia, desperate times call for desperate measures. The starting nine for the Phillies will line up against the outfield wall and stay there in an odd and frenzied attempt to stave of elimination.

“Its a ‘backs against the wall’ technique I once heard about in a game from 1877,” said Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel, whose inexplicable decision to throw Joe Blanton in Game Four instead of Roy Halladay has Phillies fans scratching their collective aching head. “If you’re not familiar with that great moment in baseball history, that’s when the Hartford Dark Blues defeated the St. Louis Brown Stockings by quickly forming human pyramids to prevent home run balls to go over the wall after the pitcher would throw an arching three hundred and twenty-five foot strike from the left field corner. So, I thought we’d try that. See what happens.” (more…)

Throw in the Foul. Big Ryan Howard fouls one off just before his clutch K in the 8th inning.

ST. LOUIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The National League applied some pressure-filled screws to their American League counterparts Tuesday night in the Major League All-Star Game.  With Phillies slugger Ryan Howard in a position to be the hero in the bottom of the eighth inning, the hulking first baseman struck out leaving two runners on base with two out to end the threat. The National Leaguers then went quietly in the ninth preserving an American League 4-3 victory; their thirteenth consecutive win in the Mid-Summer Classic. (more…)