LeBron Hits the Douche. Oscar® winner James is in the stratosphere.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Miami Heat Forward LeBron James played opposite himself Sunday evening in a manner of speaking. He was unable to collect his special Academy Award in Los Angeles as he was busy in Miami losing to the retooled, New York Knicks 91-86.

James infuriated the city of Cleveland last year when he spurned the fans and the Cavaliers by picking the Heat as his new team in a highly publicized press conference event.

“In essence he cast himself as the villain,” said Academy member, Clifford Stokes. “And since the line between sports and entertainment gets blurrier every day, we felt it was time LeBron get an award he really deserves. That’s why we voted him this special Oscar® for Outstanding Achievement in Sports Entertainment Douche Baggery.” (more…)

Lock Blocked. LeBron's keys just ain't gettin' it done.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) LeBron James along with his Miami Heat teammates put a thumping on the hometown Cleveland Cavaliers last night 118-90. James scored a game high 38 points to lead Miami against his old team. James was determined to prove his commitment to the Heat and prove his work ethic to the Cavs, but when he showed up at Quicken Loans Arena seven hours before game time, he was met with an unpleasant surprise.

“I still had my old key,” said James. “I tried to unlock the door at the south employees entrance, but it didn’t work anymore. That was a little embarrassing since I was with my cousins Darnell, Luke, and Carl. I was standing there like a total dick with a big ass smile on my face trying to make it seem like the door was stuck. Damn, when Dan Gilbert holds a grudge, he holds a grudge.” (more…)

Cleveland Cavaliers present fashionable surveillance ankle bracelet to retiring fan Dan Schultz. Organization makes it clear that Schultz' retirement is binding and irreversible.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Dick Schultz, a fifty-five year unemployed plant worker and fanatical Cavaliers fan from Akron, startled family, friends and co-workers when earlier today he announced his retirement, having given 40 of his so-called best years to his beloved team.

“You can’t be a fan forever, you have to know when to call it quits,” said Shultz.

Schultz claims it has nothing to do with Lebron James’s decision to bolt the Cavs and sign with the widely reviled Miami Heat. (more…)

Ring Leader? Dan Marino to Join Trio of Doom on Heat Roster.

NFL Hall of Famer to Throw Half Court Passes

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The “decision” came down at 9:27 PM Thursday night when LeBron James announced he’d be taking his act to South Beach and join Dywane Wade and Chris Bosh on the Miami Heat.

This prompted spontaneous proclamations in the palm tree lined streets of the city of a guaranteed championship. That’s when former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino made some news of his own and announced he’d be joining the trio of doom on the Heat’s roster. (more…)

Shaquille O'Neal demonstrates off-season game face, which is usually followed by a bone-weary sigh and a two hour "power" nap.

MIAMI, FL (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Thirty-eight year old Shaquille O’Neal played the better part of the regular season like an aging opera star protecting his vocal chords. But by the time the 2010 playoffs rolled around, the Cleveland Cavaliers could not  have done worse if they had Italian tenor Pavarotti in the paint, going down to the aging Boston Celtics.

When Shaq announced his intentions to return for the 2010-2011 campaign — possibly beyond — he was asked if he planned on committing to a more rigorous off-season regimen than was his custom.  It’s no secret that Shaq’s off-season typically consists of an endless cycle of public appearances, commercial shoots, lavish Caribbean vacations, star-studded parties and galas and, yes, even house chores. While he mumbled some words to the effect that he planned on getting his creaky 38 year old body ready for one, possibly two more seasons,  friends and associates privately admit that he’s been thus far unable – perhaps unwilling — to commit to the off-season, his lack of focus and energy in mid-season form. (more…)

Shaquille O'Neal demonstrates off-season game face, which is usually followed by a bone-weary sigh and a two hour "power" nap.

LOS ANGELES, CA (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – After his trade to the Cleveland Cavaliers, one would have expected the 37 year old Shaquille O’Neal to announce his determination to spend the off-season getting in shape and reporting to camp showing his new team mate LeBron James his commitment to winning. (more…)