Posts Tagged ‘Cleveland Cavaliers’

From the Archives: LeBron James Admits He Enjoys Speeding Through School Zones Just Because He’s LeBron James

Thursday, November 17th, 2016

School Daze. LBJ just havin’ fun.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Before traveling westward for Game 1 of the NBA Finals, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James got in a little “me” time.  He enjoyed a thrilled-packed afternoon of illegal fireworks displays near a nursing home, and driving recklessly at high rates of speed through school zones.

“Just blowin’ off a little steam,” the All-Star forward chimed. “Some people like to listen to some jams, others toss back a cold one, or spark up a big ass fatty. LBJ likes to endanger the innocent with indiscriminant hi jinx just because I’m LBJ, dig?” (more…)

After Finals Loss, Steph Curry Drops Thousands of Game-Used Mouthpieces On Cleveland Fans

Monday, June 20th, 2016

Getting Mouthy. Golden State Warriors superstar, Steph Curry’s little gift for the people of Cleveland.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Embattled NBA MVP, Stephen Curry, frustrated after a Game 6 loss in Cleveland, infamously hurled his saliva-saturated mouthpiece into the crowd, striking a Cavaliers fan seconds after fouling out. He was ejected from the game as well. Apparently, the spritely shooting guard didn’t learn his lesson. After his Golden State Warriors were unable to close out the series on their home floor in Game 7, losing 93-89 to the Cavaliers, Curry hired a helicopter to dump a large cache of game-used mouthpieces over delirious Cavs fans. (more…)

Golden State Warriors Let Little Used Justin Holiday Hang Out in Locker Room For a Bit

Wednesday, June 17th, 2015

Hi, I’m Justin. This undated photo shows how desperate Holiday is to see some PT.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Golden State Warriors won their first NBA title in 40 years defeating the Cleveland Cavaliers 105-97 in Game 6 Tuesday night in Cleveland. Small forward, Justin Holiday, who saw little or no time in the post-season sat patiently at the end of the bench hoping to see some playing time. When the Warriors clinched the title and the celebration began, a thrilled Holiday was told he’d be allowed to partake in a portion of the festivities.

“I think he had a sip of champagne and touched the trophy for a second which was proportionate to his contribution,” said All-Star guard and league MVP, Steph Curry. “I suppose we’ll see him back in Oakland, that is if he can find a Greyhound near the Econo Lodge he’s staying at.” (more…)

Local Guy Announces He Might Change Up Menu For NBA Finals Get-Togethers

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2015

All For Not. Mickey Foster’s Kitchen might remain eerily empty.

PARMA, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Mickey Foster has been a Cavaliers fan since he was a boy. The thought of the Cavs returning to the NBA Finals has him going in several directions at once. He planned ahead, anticipating a deep run into the playoffs, and put in for his vacation time early. Foster has been the “go to” guy for several years when it comes to hosting sports parties for his friends. They’re all eager to attend every game at his house, but privately some have expressed concern about some menu modifications the 43 year old is planning. (more…)

Miami Heat: Chris “Birdman” Andersen Announces Return to Tattoo Parlor

Friday, July 11th, 2014

Absurd Bird. Birdman has some work to do.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the heels of LeBron James’ return to Cleveland, and what promises to be a revolving door of roster moves, the Miami Heat announced today that Power Forward, Chris “Birdman” Andersen will return to Billy Joe’s Tattoo Gallery for the 2014-15 season.

“I need to keep up appearances, and quite frankly, there are a few square inches on me that need to be inked up,” said Andersen. “The underside of my scrotal sac for example is largely bare, as well as the inside of my eyelids. So we’re exploring our options. Of course I’ll need at least a year to adjust emotionally.”

The Heat as well aren’t leaving any stone unturned. (more…)

LeBron Wins Special Oscar® for Outstanding Achievement in Sports Entertainment Douche Baggery

Monday, February 28th, 2011

LeBron Hits the Douche. Oscar® winner James is in the stratosphere.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Miami Heat Forward LeBron James played opposite himself Sunday evening in a manner of speaking. He was unable to collect his special Academy Award in Los Angeles as he was busy in Miami losing to the retooled, New York Knicks 91-86.

James infuriated the city of Cleveland last year when he spurned the fans and the Cavaliers by picking the Heat as his new team in a highly publicized press conference event.

“In essence he cast himself as the villain,” said Academy member, Clifford Stokes. “And since the line between sports and entertainment gets blurrier every day, we felt it was time LeBron get an award he really deserves. That’s why we voted him this special Oscar® for Outstanding Achievement in Sports Entertainment Douche Baggery.” (more…)

Lebron Goes Home Again; Finds Locks Changed

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

Lock Blocked. LeBron's keys just ain't gettin' it done.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) LeBron James along with his Miami Heat teammates put a thumping on the hometown Cleveland Cavaliers last night 118-90. James scored a game high 38 points to lead Miami against his old team. James was determined to prove his commitment to the Heat and prove his work ethic to the Cavs, but when he showed up at Quicken Loans Arena seven hours before game time, he was met with an unpleasant surprise.

“I still had my old key,” said James. “I tried to unlock the door at the south employees entrance, but it didn’t work anymore. That was a little embarrassing since I was with my cousins Darnell, Luke, and Carl. I was standing there like a total dick with a big ass smile on my face trying to make it seem like the door was stuck. Damn, when Dan Gilbert holds a grudge, he holds a grudge.” (more…)

Cavaliers Fan Announces Retirement Effective Immediately — “If Not Sooner”

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010

Cleveland Cavaliers present fashionable surveillance ankle bracelet to retiring fan Dan Schultz. Organization makes it clear that Schultz' retirement is binding and irreversible.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Dick Schultz, a fifty-five year unemployed plant worker and fanatical Cavaliers fan from Akron, startled family, friends and co-workers when earlier today he announced his retirement, having given 40 of his so-called best years to his beloved team.

“You can’t be a fan forever, you have to know when to call it quits,” said Shultz.

Schultz claims it has nothing to do with Lebron James’s decision to bolt the Cavs and sign with the widely reviled Miami Heat. (more…)

Dan Marino to Seek Long Awaited Championship Ring With Miami Heat

Friday, July 9th, 2010

Ring Leader? Dan Marino to Join Trio of Doom on Heat Roster.

NFL Hall of Famer to Throw Half Court Passes

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The “decision” came down at 9:27 PM Thursday night when LeBron James announced he’d be taking his act to South Beach and join Dywane Wade and Chris Bosh on the Miami Heat.

This prompted spontaneous proclamations in the palm tree lined streets of the city of a guaranteed championship. That’s when former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino made some news of his own and announced he’d be joining the trio of doom on the Heat’s roster. (more…)

Shaquille O’Neal Taking Off Entire Off-Season Too

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

Shaquille O'Neal demonstrates off-season game face, which is usually followed by a bone-weary sigh and a two hour "power" nap.

MIAMI, FL (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Thirty-eight year old Shaquille O’Neal played the better part of the regular season like an aging opera star protecting his vocal chords. But by the time the 2010 playoffs rolled around, the Cleveland Cavaliers could not  have done worse if they had Italian tenor Pavarotti in the paint, going down to the aging Boston Celtics.

When Shaq announced his intentions to return for the 2010-2011 campaign — possibly beyond — he was asked if he planned on committing to a more rigorous off-season regimen than was his custom.  It’s no secret that Shaq’s off-season typically consists of an endless cycle of public appearances, commercial shoots, lavish Caribbean vacations, star-studded parties and galas and, yes, even house chores. While he mumbled some words to the effect that he planned on getting his creaky 38 year old body ready for one, possibly two more seasons,  friends and associates privately admit that he’s been thus far unable – perhaps unwilling — to commit to the off-season, his lack of focus and energy in mid-season form. (more…)

Needing Time to Unwind, Shaquille O’Neal Taking Off Entire Off-Season

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009
Shaquille O'Neal demonstrates off-season game face, which is usually followed by a bone-weary sigh and a two hour "power" nap.

Shaquille O'Neal demonstrates off-season game face, which is usually followed by a bone-weary sigh and a two hour "power" nap.

LOS ANGELES, CA (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – After his trade to the Cleveland Cavaliers, one would have expected the 37 year old Shaquille O’Neal to announce his determination to spend the off-season getting in shape and reporting to camp showing his new team mate LeBron James his commitment to winning. (more…)