Move May Expedite Dismissal from Eagles

State of the Union. Andy Reid may house new theme park.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With their 5th loss in a row yesterday, and a poor second half showing against their longtime rival, Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles fans are calling for the immediate ouster of Head Coach, Andy Reid.

Yesterday, in a nearly unanimous, bipartisan stroke of whimsy, Reid was named the 51st state in the Union, which forces the Eagles to make a decision, as a state can “technically” not also be a coach.

“He meets the requirements for statehood.” said Independent Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders. “He’s large enough, can support an infrastructure, and produces enough carbon dioxide for at least three million acres of unspoiled woodlands. One of the downfalls of course is he’s landlocked, as he borders Nebraska.”  (more…)

Il Douchebag. Benito Mussolini, even in death, slightly more douchey than the Cowboys.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  The Dallas Cowboys marched into enemy territory Wednesday night seeking revenge – and they got it.  The Cowboys defeated the New York Giants 24-17 in East Rutherford, New Jersey. However, the squad that prides itself as America’s Team, learned shortly after the victory, that they may be the most hated sports team worldwide.

An informal poll conducted by the Europejska Akademia Sztuk school in Warsaw, Poland, determined Jerry Jones’ squad of NFLers is only 1.3% more popular than Benito Mussolini, the infamous Italian dictator and father of modern fascism.

“They’re contemptible.” said Jerzy Kutrzeba, a professor at the school. “We’ve all been witness to their narcissistic, conceited strutting about for decades. From the giant star that graces midfield and the ten gallon hats, to the Big Brotheresque, monolithic TV screen that dominates the stadium — their outstretched, overinflated, Texas sized, bravado without an ounce of humility, bristles through the air with unmistakable palpability suffocating those too weak to defend themselves with a choking miasma of good ol’ boy, hickory smoked, bar-b-que-infused dickishness. I saw more compassion at the Republican National Convention. No, wait…strike that.”  (more…)

Double Coverage. Habibah al-Saad gettin' it done Cowboys style.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Leave it to America’s Team to break down the last remaining barriers in professional sports. Though Habibah al-Saad’s routine is never in sync with her cheerleader sisters, the lone Muslim member of the squad is gaining wild popularity. Her Cowboys blue burqa has become all the rage on the sidelines this season, and is now the talk on the street in the Dallas Metroplex.

“The way she stands there – a towering unsexy, motionless figure in stark contrast to the sea of spectacular tits and ass – now that is really something to behold.” said season ticket holder Burton Whitelaw. “She’s rewriting the role of cheerleader every day.” (more…)

The Hills Have Ryan. Rob Ryan gives up NFL to return to roots.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Dallas Cowboys Defensive Coordinator, Rob Ryan, twin brother of New York Jets Head Coach, Rex Ryan, had some choice words for the Philadelphia Eagles going into Sunday night’s nationally televised game. Ryan mocked the Eagles “Dream Team” monicker, referring to the team’s slow start. However, the Eagles dominated Ryan’s porous defensive schemes all night and cruised to a 34-7 victory.

Ryan took full blame for the loss and left the team, returning to the West Virginia mountains to be with the “hill people.” (more…)

Roger and Who? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's helmet to helmet hit experiment was successful. Here he's shown contemplating who he is.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s crackdown on dangerous helmet to helmet hits, has gone a step further. After a few questionable incidents occurred in last night’s Dallas Cowboys 18-16 victory over the Washington Redskins, Goodell decided to don a helmet himself in order to demonstrate the seriousness of such contact.

Goodell placed the helmet over his head and was met full force head to head by former NFL linebacker, Derrick Brooks, who gladly obliged.

A prayer circle was formed around Goodell who regained consciousness two hours later. He addressed the media shortly thereafter. (more…)

Jet Outta Here! These Jets fans say the honeymoon is over.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York City Police Department had to be brought in Sunday night to deal with a large crowd that assembled on the sidewalks outside NFL headquarters in Midtown Manhattan after the conclusion of the AFC Championship game.  The Pittsburgh Steelers won thegame, 24-19, over the New York Jets to advance to their record eighth Super Bowl.

The crowd was reportedly comprised of fans urgently seeking to petition the league office to change their team affiliations and become Pittsburgh Steeler fans.  More than ninety percent were reportedly former Dallas Cowboy fans, none of whom said they had ever lived in Texas  - or even Pennsylvania for that matter. (more…)

She and Mr. Jones. Jerry gets busy when the lights dim.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On two separate occasions the lights went out at Giants Stadium on Sunday as the Cowboys stunned the host New York Giants 33-20. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, took the electrical snafus as an opportunity to get in on his team’s action – in a manner of speaking.

“Yep. I did it. I went and got me some,” the maverick owner chimed afterward. “Felt a little titty and beaver in the pitch black. Reminded me of when I was a kid and Trent Hollock’s sister Doreen was always hanging around. Got me some then too.” (more…)

The Devil in Mr. Jones. Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones gets all demonic for Halloween while his players pretend they're real football team.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Perhaps going into their game against Jacksonville, the Cowboys felt a bit like hiding. Afterward, they went into an all out disappearing act. Most of the team spent the evening trick or treating behind masks and makeup as their favorite professional football players.

“I went as Tom Brady,” said Cowboys backup quarterback, Jon Kitna, who threw four interceptions in yesterday’s 35-17 loss at home. “I’m hoping someday my trick or treat dreams will go from getting candy to playing for a real NFL team.” (more…)