Posts Tagged ‘Dallas Cowboys’

From the Archives: Roger Goodell Takes Part in Helmet to Helmet Hit Experiment; Results Conclusive

Tuesday, December 8th, 2015

 

Roger and Who? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s helmet to helmet hit experiment was successful. Here he’s shown contemplating who he is.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s crackdown on dangerous helmet to helmet hits, has gone a step further. After a few questionable incidents occurred in last night’s Dallas Cowboys 18-16 victory over the Washington Redskins, Goodell decided to don a helmet himself in order to demonstrate the seriousness of such contact.

Goodell placed the helmet over his head and was met full force head to head by former NFL linebacker, Derrick Brooks, who gladly obliged.

A prayer circle was formed around Goodell who regained consciousness two hours later. He addressed the media shortly thereafter. (more…)


NFC East To Market Self As Bottomless Abyss

Monday, November 30th, 2015
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Nothingness To See Here. The NFC East launches vapid new campaign — literally.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Fans, players, and coaches are almost completely in agreement — no one wants to win the NFC East. No team is above .500 in the division and no clear-cut favorite has emerged, though some are saying the New York Giants might ultimately reach the post-season on experience alone. Given the bleak outlook and overall general malaise in fan support, marketing heads from the Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, Washington Redskins, and the Giants met privately to try and figure a way to salvage a disastrous season. (more…)


Monsanto Grows Mutated Cowboys in North Texas Immediately After Loss to Philly

Monday, November 9th, 2015

Garden Party. Horace and Bernice Lovecraft tend over their garden of “near ready” Cowboys.

IRVING, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a neck and neck game that took overtime to decide, the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Dallas Cowboys 33-27 behind the surprisingly solid performance of quarterback, Sam Bradford.

Immediately after the loss, Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, gave the green light to the Monsanto Corporation to begin harvesting a mutated strain of instant players to be funneled in and out of the Cowboys’ roster at their own discretion. The player garden was at an undisclosed, but heavily fortified location about twenty miles west of the stadium. (more…)


After Third Straight Loss, European Poll Show Dallas Cowboys Only Slightly More Popular Than Mussolini

Wednesday, October 14th, 2015

Il Douchebag. Benito Mussolini, was a tad more despised than Cowboys.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  An informal poll conducted by the Europejska Akademia Sztuk school in Warsaw, Poland, determined Jerry Jones’ squad of NFLers is only 1.3% more popular than Benito Mussolini, the infamous Italian dictator and father of modern fascism.

“They’re contemptible.” said Jerzy Kutrzeba, a professor at the school. “We’ve all been witness to their narcissistic, conceited strutting about for decades. From the giant star that graces midfield and the ten gallon hats, to the Big Brotheresque, monolithic TV screen that dominates the stadium — their outstretched, overinflated, Texas sized, bravado without an ounce of humility, bristles through the air with unmistakable palpability suffocating those too weak to defend themselves with a choking miasma of good ol’ boy, hickory smoked, bar-b-que-infused dickishness. I’ve seen more compassion at a Republican debate. No, wait…strike that.”  (more…)


Deep-Pocketed Donors Line Up for Chris Christie—Jerry Jones Fusion Ticket in 2016

Monday, January 12th, 2015
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The White Stuff. Christie-Jones gunning for DC.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The GOP has some recalibrating to do after one of its darlings, New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, has teamed up with Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, to form an exploratory committee with the goal of  launching a third party candidacy for the White House.

“It’s no secret, Governor Christie and Mr. Jones have become quite chummy,” said political analyst, Caspar Lopez. “What began as a sports acquaintance with Christie being a lifelong fan of Jones’ Cowboys, has since transformed into not only a deep friendship, but serious plans for a presidential run in 2016.”  (more…)


FOX Debuts Digital Yellow Line at Cowboys Games to Indicate Where Total Douches Play

Monday, January 5th, 2015
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Is It Malice in Dallas? Most say “no.”

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As controversy swirled around the Dallas Cowboys’ 24-20 victory over the Detroit Lions on Sunday, FOX Sports was up to a little shenanigans of their own. Science and sports have become one in this age of digital technology, and yesterday the network unveiled their new DigiDouche Line, similar to the virtual yellow first down line on the field, which has become quite popular with fans. (more…)


Eagles Fans Hold Out Hope in Easter Island, Time Warp, Blood Moon, Second Tuesday, Fault Line, Pyramid Apex, Fiery Death of Jerry Jones Scenario

Monday, December 22nd, 2014
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Eagles Island? Part of the series of events to occur to get Philly in.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After being in the driver’s seat of the NFC East just three short weeks ago, the Philadelphia Eagles find themselves eliminated from the post season — bounced out after the Dallas Cowboy’s convincing 42-7 drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday.

But are they really out?

Tony Locatelli of South Philadelphia is part of a growing group of Eagles fans that are clinging to a little known, but legitimate scenario that might get their beloved Eagles to the playoffs.  (more…)


Dallas Cowboys to Begin 2014 Quarterback Experimentation with Lab Rat

Monday, December 30th, 2013
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Rat and Happy. This little guy might be getting a big time contract.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After losing the NFC East crown to a division rival for the third straight year, the Dallas Cowboys are going to try something new. With Tony Romo’s history of blowing games and the long return from back surgery, as well as no viable backup at the helm, the team says their next move will be radical.

“The (24-22) loss to the (Philadelphia) Eagles yesterday got me thinking.” said team owner, Jerry Jones. “When Kyle Orton threw that interception at the end of the game, I lost my cool. You may have seen footage of me in the luxury suite actually losing my cool. I said ‘rats!’ Of course, that was right after I said ‘motherfucking, shit eating, bastard, son of a bitch, prick, fuck!’  But the takeaway was indeed ‘rats.’ I immediately took my private elevator down to our underground laboratory, where we experiment with body parts. I walked past the severed limbs and skeletal remains of former employees right to the rat area.” (more…)


Tony Romo Gets “Steaming Pile of Poo” Post Game Award; Shares It With Team

Monday, December 16th, 2013
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Shit Winnin’ Grin. Tony Romo shares the steaming pile with his team.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After witnessing a Philadelphia Eagles thumping at the hands of the Minnesota Vikings early Sunday afternoon, the Dallas Cowboys were poised to move to the front of a weak NFC East.  It appeared they would do just that in the first half when they took a commanding 26-3 lead over the Green Bay Packers into the locker room. However, in a last minute script change Hollywood style, the Pack came roaring back stealing a victory in the final seconds, 37-36.

Immediately after the game, the team handed their “Steaming Pile of Poo” award to quarterback Tony Romo who threw a critical interception, setting up the Green Bay miracle.

“Once again, I’ve skillfully snatched bitter defeat from the clutches of triumph as only I know how.” said the veteran pass thrower holding the fabled cutting board piled high with the vaporous, fetid fecal matter of several unnamed linemen. “But to stand here today and not share this with each and every one of my teammates and coaches, would be unthinkable.”  (more…)


Andy Reid Named 51st State

Monday, November 12th, 2012

Move May Expedite Dismissal from Eagles

State of the Union. Andy Reid may house new theme park.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With their 5th loss in a row yesterday, and a poor second half showing against their longtime rival, Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles fans are calling for the immediate ouster of Head Coach, Andy Reid.

Yesterday, in a nearly unanimous, bipartisan stroke of whimsy, Reid was named the 51st state in the Union, which forces the Eagles to make a decision, as a state can “technically” not also be a coach.

“He meets the requirements for statehood.” said Independent Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders. “He’s large enough, can support an infrastructure, and produces enough carbon dioxide for at least three million acres of unspoiled woodlands. One of the downfalls of course is he’s landlocked, as he borders Nebraska.”  (more…)


Dallas Cowboys Muslim Cheerleader Gaining Popularity

Wednesday, September 5th, 2012

 

Double Coverage. Habibah al-Saad gettin' it done Cowboys style.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Leave it to America’s Team to break down the last remaining barriers in professional sports. Though Habibah al-Saad’s routine is never in sync with her cheerleader sisters, the lone Muslim member of the squad is gaining wild popularity. Her Cowboys blue burqa has become all the rage on the sidelines this season, and is now the talk on the street in the Dallas Metroplex.

“The way she stands there – a towering unsexy, motionless figure in stark contrast to the sea of spectacular tits and ass – now that is really something to behold.” said season ticket holder Burton Whitelaw. “She’s rewriting the role of cheerleader every day.” (more…)


After Embarrassing Loss, Cowboys’ Rob Ryan Returns to Hill People

Monday, October 31st, 2011

The Hills Have Ryan. Rob Ryan gives up NFL to return to roots.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Dallas Cowboys Defensive Coordinator, Rob Ryan, twin brother of New York Jets Head Coach, Rex Ryan, had some choice words for the Philadelphia Eagles going into Sunday night’s nationally televised game. Ryan mocked the Eagles “Dream Team” monicker, referring to the team’s slow start. However, the Eagles dominated Ryan’s porous defensive schemes all night and cruised to a 34-7 victory.

Ryan took full blame for the loss and left the team, returning to the West Virginia mountains to be with the “hill people.” (more…)