Posts Tagged ‘Denver Broncos’

From the Archives: Andy Reid Purportedly Has Near Life Experience

Friday, October 28th, 2016
andy_reid

Life Reidings? Apparently there’s something happening.

KANSAS CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach, Andy Reid unquestionably has has turned things around in his short tenure in town, but life in the NFL changes every week, which may be a part of the reason for an extremely unusual occurrence that may be both physiological and paranormal.

“It appears the coach had a near life experience.” said Chiefs General Manager, John Dorsey. “We consider this a positive since no one has been able to get a pulse from him since 2008.”

Unlike a near death experience, where a person might have the not uncommon sense of crossing over to another dimension which some religious believers say could be an afterlife, the near life experience is infinitely more rare. (more…)


Super Bowl: Tom Brady Engineers Spectacular 4th Quarter Cheese Dip

Monday, February 8th, 2016

You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. Brady was “manning” the dip.

SANTA CLARA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme was Old VS New. With the help of the sensational defense, the Denver Broncos defeated the upstart Carolina Panthers 24-10, setting up a retirement for the ages for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, back in the Boston area, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady took in the game with family and friends. With the game still on the line at the beginning of the fourth quarter, be it nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — Brady was prepared to spring into action.

“I fired up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Brady chimed.

“Trust me when I tell ya, that was some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” said tight end Rob Gronkowski. “TB has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)


Popular Deity Christ Still Hoping to Attend Live Game Featuring Tim Tebow

Tuesday, July 21st, 2015

 

Hail Mary? Not exactly. But Jesus Christ apparently has a long time love for the game of football.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) According to Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow, his landing in the City of Brotherly Love has been commandeered by Christian deity Jesus Christ.

“It’s really Jesus at the wheel, or in the case, under center.” a smiling Tebow said. “He’s kind of doing things remotely. Fortunately, we’re both signed up with Verizon®.”

Christ hopes to attend a Eagles game this year. (more…)


God Took Rib from Tebow to Make 4th Round Draft Pick

Friday, May 1st, 2015

 

Good Natured Ribbing. Tebow just seconds before having rib removed by major deity.

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The 2015 NFL draft continues. The torn rib cartilage Philadelphia backup quarterback Tim Tebow suffered in an AFC Divisional playoff game in 2012 is apparently a lot worse than originally believed. Evidently, God took Tebow’s rib, a stunt He’s pulled at least once, and made a future draft pick consideration.

“I apologize to Tim for all the physical anguish.” the supernatural creator of the universe said. “But I have a job to do. In this case it was taking a rib from Mr. Tebow and creating Colin Appleby, who will be a fourth round pick in the 2034 NFL Draft. He’ll be selected by the Norfolk Gulls who will join the league in the 2029 expansion along with the Bismark Hermits.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Chester McGlockton Mistakenly Willed Organs for Research to Alma Mater’s English Department

Wednesday, August 13th, 2014

 

 

Chester Left to Fester. McGlockton awaits position in proper department.

 

CLEMSON, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former All-Pro Defensive Tackle, Chester McGlockton passed away of an apparent heart attack in November at the age of 42. But McGlockton wanted to leave a legacy beyond football.

“He signed his organ donor card, and made specific arrangements to leave his body to the science here at his alma mater, Clemson University.” said Assistant Dean, Roger Phillips. “Unfortunately, he accidentally left his remains to the English Department.”

“Awkward!” said English Department Chairperson, Sandra Wilcox. “Now what we’ve got are students intently focused on Shakespeare, James and Yeats tiptoeing around the proverbial elephant in the room. None of us know what to do. We’ve phoned, texted, emailed and instant messaged the science lab, but I think they’re just over there having a good laugh over the whole matter. Meanwhile, here we are, the beneficiaries of Mr. McGlockton’s generous donation – and we’re all thumbs, in the accepted sense of the term.” (more…)


TSD Super Bowl EXCLUSIVE: Lucchesi Crime Family Waiting on Peyton Manning’s Front Lawn

Monday, February 3rd, 2014
nikkatsu-studios-films

Manning Up. On second thought, Peyton better run the other way and cool out.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daly Wire Service) Oddsmakers, bookies, a significant portion of the city of Las Vegas, and everyone who stood to benefit from a close Super Bowl aren’t happy. And they’re pointing their fingers at one man – Peyton Manning. The Broncos quarterback and future Hall of Famer, had a rough night tossing two interceptions and seeing his team dominated by the Seattle Seahawks, 43-8.

“That Wonder Bread Fuck ruined my day!” said Louis “Sulphuric Lou” Castellano, a captain in the Lucchese Crime Organization. “This is not what we agreed upon. So I’m sending a message, and it ain’t coming Federal Express, if you catch my not so thinly veiled drift and what not.”  (more…)


TSD Super Bowl EXCLUSIVE: Grief Counselors Arriving in Colorado

Monday, February 3rd, 2014
images

Buck Up Bronco. This Denver fan’s heartache is magically washed away with a cocktail of good old fashioned compassion and some kick ass weed.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a game most prognosticators believed would be tight and perhaps one of the most thrilling Super Bowls ever played, one team barely showed up.  The Denver Broncos fell and fell hard as they suffered a 43-8 defeat at the hands of the new world champs, the Seattle Seahawks. Halfway through the second quarter, grief counselors from around the country began making plans to rush to the aid of sickened, depressed and suicidal Broncos fans.

Allison Starkwell, a counselor from Philadelphia, acted even sooner catching a flight immediately after the bad snap that led off the first quarter allowing Seattle to enjoy an early safety.  (more…)


More Allegations of Spying Arise as Belichick Seen Lurking Out John Fox’s Bedroom Window

Friday, January 17th, 2014
bellichickpeek

Belichick At Your Cervix. Pats’ Head Coach claims he’s retrieving an errant golfball.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Nearly seven years after Spygate, when New England Patriots’ Head Coach, Bill Belichick was fined $500,000 for videotaping New York Jets defensive signals during a regular season game, an even stranger incident has occurred.

Belichick was seen peering in the bedroom window of Denver Broncos’ Head Coach, John Fox to watch he and his wife engage in what Belichick calls ‘playing in the red zone.’

“Far be it from me to knock what a guy does on his down time.” sympathized Fox. “And lord knows he’s given a lot to this game, but it’s getting to be a fella can’t mount his wife without someone taking a peek.”

Dr. L. Xavier Menzies, a sports psychologist who grew up across the street from the Patriots’ coach was contacted by the Sportsman’s Daily and issued the following statement:  (more…)


Christ Set to Go to NY Jets in Package Deal With Tebow

Thursday, March 22nd, 2012

Jesus Is Jacked! Christ is New York bound with Tim Tebow.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Denver Broncos have dealt Tim Tebow to the New York Jets for a fourth round draft pick. Once Peyton Manning chose Denver, the Tebow watch was on. In a move that surprises few, popular deity Jesus Christ has been thrown into the deal as he apparently never strays far from Tebow.

“I’m still thinking over whether or not I want to sell my chalet in Aspen.” quipped Christ. “I also have some beer distributorships in Denver and Fort Collins which I’m gonna hang on to for a bit, but New York is cool.” (more…)


NFL Playoffs: Tim Tebow Engineers Spectacular 4th Quarter Cheese Dip

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

Cheese-us, Take the Wheel. Tim Tebow moments before unveiling his legendary, game saving cheese dip.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It might be a Giants-Patriots Super Bowl, but the Broncos won’t go away. Quarterback and deity Tim Tebow got together with a select group of teammates and several fellow parishioners from the New City Church in Denver to enjoy the AFC Championship game Sunday afternoon. Late in the 4th quarter, Tebow noticed a palpable malaise among his viewing buddies. That’s when he sprung into action.

Tebow emerged just two minutes and twenty-three seconds later with a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight. (more…)


Goodyear Blimp Pilot Arrested for Airborne Ogling

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

Console Peters used to peer into windows and down well-proportioned halter tops. "Oh the inhumanity," mocked Peters' attorney Brock Fredericks. "He took pictures of woman without their express written consent, big deal, happens every day. It's not like he crashed the Hindenburg into the Orange Bowl for gods sake."

Console Peters used to peer into windows and down well-proportioned halter tops. "Oh the inhumanity," mocked Peters' attorney Brock Fredericks. "He took pictures of woman without their express written consent, big deal, happens every day. It's not like he crashed the Hindenburg into the stadium for gods sake."

SAN DIEGO (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Brick Peters, a veteran Goodyear blimp pilot who was to helm the Spirit of Innovation for last night’s Chargers-Broncos game, was arrested and charged for using his airship to ogle naked women. (more…)