You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. The brothers will be "manning" the dip.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme is brothers. The Harbaugh brothers will go head to head in 49ers-Ravens Super Bowl, but the Manning brothers plan to serve notice as well. Quarterback sibling rivals, Peyton and Eli, will enjoy a get together with a select group of teammates, friends, and family members for Sunday’s big game. Late in the 4th quarter, both Peyton and Eli say whether the game is a nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — they plan on springing into action.

“We’re gonna fire up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Peyton Manning said.

“Trust me when I tell ya, it’s gonna be some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” chimed wide receiver Demaryius Thomas, a Bronco teammate of Peyton Manning’s. “P has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)

Jesus Is Jacked! Christ is New York bound with Tim Tebow.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Denver Broncos have dealt Tim Tebow to the New York Jets for a fourth round draft pick. Once Peyton Manning chose Denver, the Tebow watch was on. In a move that surprises few, popular deity Jesus Christ has been thrown into the deal as he apparently never strays far from Tebow.

“I’m still thinking over whether or not I want to sell my chalet in Aspen.” quipped Christ. “I also have some beer distributorships in Denver and Fort Collins which I’m gonna hang on to for a bit, but New York is cool.” (more…)

Cheese-us, Take the Wheel. Tim Tebow moments before unveiling his legendary, game saving cheese dip.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It might be a Giants-Patriots Super Bowl, but the Broncos won’t go away. Quarterback and deity Tim Tebow got together with a select group of teammates and several fellow parishioners from the New City Church in Denver to enjoy the AFC Championship game Sunday afternoon. Late in the 4th quarter, Tebow noticed a palpable malaise among his viewing buddies. That’s when he sprung into action.

Tebow emerged just two minutes and twenty-three seconds later with a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight. (more…)

Good Natured Ribbing. Tebow just seconds before having rib removed by major deity.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) That torn rib cartilage Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow played with in the AFC Divisional playoff game last Saturday is apparently a lot worse than originally believed. Evidently, God took Tebow’s rib, a stunt He’s pulled at least once, and made a future draft pick consideration.

“I apologize to Bronco’s fans if my timing was a little off.” the supernatural creator of the universe said. “But I have a job to do. In this case it was taking a rib from Mr. Tebow and creating Colin Appleby, who will be a fourth round pick in the 2034 NFL Draft. He’ll be selected by the Norfolk Gulls who will join the league in the 2029 expansion along with the Bismark Hermits.” (more…)

Chester Left to Fester. McGlockton awaits position in proper department.

CLEMSON, SC (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Former All-Pro Defensive Tackle, Chester McGlockton passed away of an apparent heart attack in November at the age of 42. But McGlockton wanted to leave a legacy beyond football.

“He signed his organ donor card, and made specific arrangements to leave his body to the science here at his alma mater, Clemson University.” said Assistant Dean, Roger Phillips. “Unfortunately, he accidentally left his remains to the English Department.”

“Awkward!” said English Department Chairperson, Sandra Wilcox. “Now what we’ve got are students intently focused on Shakespeare, James and Yeats tiptoeing around the proverbial elephant in the room. None of us know what to do. We’ve phoned, texted, emailed and instant messaged the science lab, but I think they’re just over there having a good laugh over the whole matter. Meanwhile, here we are, the beneficiaries of Mr. McGlockton’s generous donation – and we’re all thumbs, in the accepted sense of the term.” (more…)

Hail Mary? Not exactly. But Jesus Christ apparently has a long time love for the game of football.

MINNEAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) According to Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, the eleventh hour heroics which have propelled his team to some improbable wins this season have been commandeered by Christian deity Jesus Christ.

“It’s really Jesus at the wheel, or in the case, under center.” a smiling Tebow said after the Broncos once again staged some late drama to defeat the Minnesota Vikings 35-32. “He’s kind of doing things remotely. Fortunately, we’re both signed up with Verizon®.”

Christ still hopes to attend a Broncos game this year. (more…)

Console Peters used to peer into windows and down well-proportioned halter tops. "Oh the inhumanity," mocked Peters' attorney Brock Fredericks. "He took pictures of woman without their express written consent, big deal, happens every day. It's not like he crashed the Hindenburg into the stadium for gods sake."

SAN DIEGO (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Brick Peters, a veteran Goodyear blimp pilot who was to helm the Spirit of Innovation for last night’s Chargers-Broncos game, was arrested and charged for using his airship to ogle naked women. (more…)