Posts Tagged ‘Derek Jeter’

TSD Classique: Sixteen Year Old Hipster Sports Writer Captures Nation’s Attention with Lack of Punctuation and Glaring Typos

Thursday, December 8th, 2016

 

 

 

teen-on-laptop-at-bedtime

WTF? This kid’s a star.

LARKSVILLE, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kevin Kuchinski, one of the hottest young sports bloggers in the nation, has been described as a “one man literary revolution” with his wildly inaccurate sports reporting rife with grammatical errors and run on sentences.

The sixteen year old Northeastern Pennsylvania native has taken a queue from what has become acceptable internet correspondence form; Most notably a lack of punctuation, capitalization, and proper spelling, and transformed it into a white hot must read. (more…)


First Dozen Yankees Fans Receive a Chunk of Derek Jeter

Friday, September 26th, 2014
jeter

You Wanna Piece of Me? Well, some Yankees fans got just that.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The first twelve New York Yankees fans at Thursday night’s farewell to Derek Jeter at Yankee Stadium, received a chunk of All-Star shortstop and baseball deity, after the Bronx Bombers defeated the visiting Baltimore Orioles 6-5 on his walk-off hit.

“I got his right leg,” chimed 11 year old, Timmy Logan, of Wayne, New Jersey. “I’ll treasure it forever. I plan on sleeping with it under my pillow.”

Jeter, who has been lavished with gifts across baseball, decided to give back. He hired professional chainsaw artist, David Manson, to hack off select parts of his body for a lucky few adoring fans to have as keepsakes.

“What better memento for a fan, than giving of yourself, literally,” said baseball historian, Peter Gammons. “I wouldn’t mind hanging his shoulder in my study. With the proper lighting, it’d be quite the conversation piece.”

Jeter, the Yankee’s all-time hit leader, and sixth in the game’s history, is a first ballot Hall of Famer, but has recently come under scrutiny by some powerful media members for perceived grandstanding during his much ballyhooed swan song.  (more…)


‘Roids Ravage the Runway: A Special Report from TSD Fashion Writer Lloyd Featherstone

Tuesday, September 9th, 2014

 

Slovenian model of indetermindate gender (and Jessica Parker look-alike) strikes pose before gathering a makeup artist, two publicists and Donatella Versace’s assistant in a vice-like headlock. All four passed out and were revived by a contingent of male models who happed upon the scene.

 

6’-7” Amazonian supermodels from Latvia…models with superhuman stamina, capable of withstanding 72 hour non-stop photo shoots…hair stylists and personal assistants pummeled in fits of rage…TSD’s investigative fashion writer, Lloyd Featherstone, files this head-turning account.


(Special to Sportsman’s Daily)

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)–  Persistent rumors of widespread HGH use among top super models have all but overshadowing recent shows unveiling the Fall collections from the likes of Michael Cors, Anna Sui and Vera Wang.

It seemed just yesterday when the “waif” look ruled the runway and anorexic models wafted weightlessly across the pages of top fashion magazines. Then, beginning around 2003-2004, we noticed changes, starting with the Marc Jacobs show in Milan, where his homage to 70’s teen fashion (with hints of playful pederasty) was in sharp contrast to the freakishly large, angry models that stalked the runway – at least a third were over 6’-4”, with comically oversized heads and shockingly large, mannish hands — all exuding a barely suppressed rage that seemed completely at odds with the theme of the collection.

Flash forward seven years, as we caught up with several prominent “fashionistas” who shared their thoughts and observations about the rumors convulsing the fashion world. (more…)


Derek Jeter Arrested for Running Onto Field During Pick Up Softball Game in Central Park

Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

Calm Before the Storm. Everything seemed normal before Jeter pulled his stunt.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) When will they learn? Just as the average fan is banned from running on the field of play during a professional game, pro ball players must refrain from doing the same amongst regular human beings.

New York Yankees legend, Derek Jeter decided he wanted a little attention late yesterday morning. After consuming two cups of coffee and an energy drink, the normally low key Jeter leaned over to childhood buddy, Leon Bynon and said “watch this!” (more…)


Yankees Announce Advance Forfeit of Weekend Series by Red Sox

Friday, April 8th, 2011

Loser. Self-loathing Red Sox fan Jerry O'Hanlon takes it all in stride.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Having seen their archrival begin the 2011 season with six losses and no victories, the New York Yankees announced late Thursday night that they have accepted a forfeit of the three-game weekend series in Boston, before the games have even been played.

“We talked about it on the plane after thumping Minnesota again,” Yankees manager Joe Girardi said.  “At first the boys on the team weren’t so sure, figuring it would be more fun to dominate them on the field as usual – followed of course by the ceremonial, candle lit, paddling in the locker room with the more than palpable homoerotic undertones – but after a few beers it became unanimous.”

Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman called the Red Sox main offices from the plane to convey the news. (more…)


As Part of Deal, Jeter Gets to Keep Bambino’s Preserved Body in Apple Cellar

Wednesday, December 8th, 2010

Ruth or Consequences. If Jeter didn't take over the Babe's corpse, the Yanks had no backup plan.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New York baseball purists and traditionalists can rest easy as Derek Jeter is most likely a Yankee for life. The shortstop’s three year $51M deal with the club includes an option for a fourth year and custodial rights to Babe Ruth’s preserved body. The fabled Sultan of Swat’s remains have been remarkably preserved by Abigail Bates, a librarian and amateur taxidermist.

“This is huge for me,” said Jeter. “I look forward to keeping the Babe in my apple cellar at my Greenwood Lake home. It makes for a nice conversation piece during lavish parties or quiet dinners. I’d like to thank the Steinbrenners for this little bit of added value. It was a nice touch.” (more…)