Posts Tagged ‘Dodgers’

From the Archives: Seventh Inning Stretch Traditional Song to Be Replaced by Obscure Zappa Concerto

Monday, September 21st, 2015

 

 

Play Zappa! It’s the 7th-inning stretch folks!

 

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Take Me Out to the Ball Game has been a seventh-inning stretch tradition for generations. Along with Happy Birthday, it is perhaps the most familiar sing-along most everyone know the words to.

But, like a nation grows weary of a stale scandal, this supposed time-tested tune is being replaced.

“Borrrring,” said 74 year old Stan Siricki. “Personally I feel just like every other self-respecting baseball fan does. Give us more Frank Zappa.” (more…)


Robert De Niro’s Plan to Bring Third Baseball Team to New York Gets Raves at Press Conference

Thursday, January 16th, 2014

Teamwork! That’s what Robert De Niro wants to see if he’s successful in bringing a third Major League franchise to New York.

NEW YORK  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As a boy, Robert De Niro didn’t know Mickey Mantle from Mickey Mouse. Though he had virtually no interest in the sport, he played a baseball player in Bang the Drum Slowly, played a deranged baseball fan in The Fan, and even whacked a guy with bat while playing Al Capone in The Untouchables. So it’s safe to say, he’s picked up a little bit about the game – a little bit.

But now De Niro is leading a group which plans on clearing space in the TriBeCa neighborhood and building a 45,000 seat stadium, to add the New York metropolitan area’s third Major League franchise. (more…)


Dodgers Fan Inadvertently Beheaded During Tomahawk Chop

Friday, October 4th, 2013
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Heady Game. It’s been said baseball is the “thinking man’s game.”

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Carl Skevich made the trek eastward to Atlanta to follow his beloved LA Dodgers in Game One of the NL Division Series. The outcome was to his liking, but the in-game festivities left a little something to be desired.

“The team looked good.” chimed the 51 year old from Burbank. “But now I need to go to a nearby Redi-Care outlet and get my gulliver sewn back on. Like I have time for this shit.”  (more…)


Dodgers’ Billingsley Wows LA Crowd With Spectacular Seven Hitter

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Stark Raving Chad. The LA fans went nutso over Billingsley's masterpiece of mediocrity.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Chad Billingsley dazzled a star-studded Los Angeles crowd last night as he scattered seven hits over six innings, allowing four earned runs and absorbing the loss in an 11-3 spanking by the Milwaukee Brewers. All told, the Dodgers staff allowed thirteen hits, in a game that never seemed in doubt for the Brewers.

“This is the kind of remarkably average to poor pitching we’ve come to expect from our staff this year,” said Dodgers Pitching Coach Rick Honeycutt. “His (Billingsley) mechanics were spotty at best. After the first inning was over, I turned to Joe (Torre) and said ‘I am consistently awed by the level of mediocrity and resignation these fellas exhibit on a nightly basis.’”

Director Quentin Tarantino called Billingsley’s performance “an exquisite display of a protagonist enduring the anguish of a world rapidly closing in on him and not having the balls to do a thing about it. His restraint was epic.”

Tarantino continued to pontificate throughout the game much to the chagrin of his fellow fans as he sat in the second row behind home plate. (more…)


MLB TV to One Up FOX by Following Manny into the Bathroom and Bedroom

Monday, July 6th, 2009

 

Shit for a King. Manny's toilet as well as other destinations in his home will be feature on "Manny 24/7."

Shit for a King. Manny's toilet as well as other destinations in his home will be featured on "Manny 24/7."

 

 

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The 4th of July Weekend return of slugger Manny Ramirez, marked by the FOX Network’s Saturday coverage of every one of his at-bats, drew significant criticism by fans and media.  

 

“It was an outrage,” said Philadelphia-based WIP Radio’s Al Morganti. “We’re celebrating the shooting stars and telling everyone this is OK. I have more of a problem with FOX covering it, than Manny actually juicing.” 

 

Morganti isn’t alone. (more…)


Hollywood Madam Confirms that Tommy Lasorda Bleeds — and “Emits” — Dodger Blue

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

 

 

Tommy Lasorda assumes the position that Hollywood Madam Jody "Babydol" Gibson and "her girls" saw all too often. "He was remarkably limber for an overweight slob."

Tommy Lasorda assumes the position that Hollywood Madam Jody "Babydol" Gibson and "her girls" saw all too often. "He was remarkably limber for an overweight slob."

 

 

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Long retired Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda’s name is among those reportedly in the “trick book” of Hollywood madam Jody “Babydol” Gibson, who served two years on a 2000 conviction for running an international prostitution ring. Lasorda denied knowing Gibson, which prompted Gibson to stage a press conference where she produced two vials of blue liquid — one containing a blood sample, the other containing a semen sample, alleging they were both the discharge of one Tommy Lasorda.

“For years the fat windbag would tell everyone within shouting distance that he bled Dodger blue. Now that we have actual samples he’s going around belly aching, threatening to sue when he should be where I remember him best: on his knees, with a dog collar, thanking me and begging for more. He may be a disgusting old whoremonger, but when he says he bleeds Dodger blue, that’s only the half of it.”

(more…)


Rolaids Now on MLB Banned List

Friday, May 8th, 2009

 

 

Agita.  Tommy Lasorda pitching Rolaids in the 80's.  Those were the days.

Agita. Tommy Lasorda pitching Rolaids in the 80's. Those were the days.

 

 

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the Dodgers’ Manny Ramirez the latest in a series of high profile ballplayers to be suspended for taking substances (namely steroids) that have been banned by Major League Baseball, the game has reacted by slipping into McCarthy-esque hysteria.

(more…)


Manny Tests Negative for Brain Function

Thursday, May 7th, 2009

manny-ramirez-dodgersLOS ANGELES (Special to Sportsman’s Daily)  The fifty game suspension LA Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez is now serving for violating baseball’s drug policy didn’t exactly come as a shock to too many people. Ramirez claims the prescription drug he was taking was not a steroid, but still showed up as a positive; hence the suspension.  

However, TSD has learned Ramirez tested negative for brain function.

“We’re thrilled,” said manager Joe Torre.  “This confirms a suspicion I’ve had for years, and most certainly was certain of since he’s been playing for me. Manny has no brain function other than involuntary movements like breathing, heartbeat, and swinging a bat.  His negative is a real positive.”

(more…)