Posts Tagged ‘Eli Manning’

Super Bowl: Tom Brady Engineers Spectacular 4th Quarter Cheese Dip

Monday, February 8th, 2016

You Dip, I Dip, We Dip. Brady was “manning” the dip.

SANTA CLARA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme was Old VS New. With the help of the sensational defense, the Denver Broncos defeated the upstart Carolina Panthers 24-10, setting up a retirement for the ages for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, back in the Boston area, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady took in the game with family and friends. With the game still on the line at the beginning of the fourth quarter, be it nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — Brady was prepared to spring into action.

“I fired up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Brady chimed.

“Trust me when I tell ya, that was some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” said tight end Rob Gronkowski. “TB has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)


NFL Season Starts with a Bang Leaving 46 Dead, Scores Injured

Monday, September 8th, 2014
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For Whom the Bell Foles. Philly QB Nick Foles took his share of hits on Sunday.

 

 

PHILADELPHIA  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — While week one claimed its fair share of on-field casualties — most notably the concussion suffered by the entire front line of the Dallas Cowboys — viewers watching at home were hit particularly hard: 36 died instantly from massive coronaries, four were shot and killed during a halftime beer run, and six died in their sleep during lulls in the action. Thousands sustained injuries, ranging from brain aneurysms to minor muscle sprains.  

 

“For the passionate football fan, who is typically overweight and grossly out-of-shape, week one is a serious injury waiting to happen,” said Dr. Stuart Rothenberg, head cardiologist at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Minneapolis. “The build-up and anticipation, combined with the consumption of alcohol and junk food, on top of which you have the ever-present threat of domestic violence as wives and girlfriends are pushed to the side, intermittently dropping passive aggressive asides at the worst possible moments…well, it’s just a toxic, at times lethal, cocktail. Statistically, you have a better chance of avoiding injury — even death — on the football field.”
The NFL hopes to see a decline in the rise in brain concussions, which has already claimed several fans watching at home.

“Sandy was watching the Eagles game in the family room, he had a bunch of friends over to watch it in high def on our new 62 inch TV,” said Sandy Rose’s wife, 52-year old Cherry Hill, NJ resident, Miriam Rose. “The Jaguars were chasing Nick (Foles) out of the pocket when suddenly one of them lunged — it looked like he was going to crash right into our living room! What a picture! So crisp and lifelike!! We all kind of jumped; Sandy did too, but he fell backwards over the couch and hit his head on the tile floor. When he came to — he was out for ten minutes — we couldn’t bring ourselves to tell him that Nick tweaked his shoulder. Poor kid.” Miriam paused. “Sandy’s listed as day-t0-day, but we’re confident he’ll be ready for the the Colts next week.”

 


Madonna “Doing Fine” After Prosthesis Flies Across Stage at Super Bowl

Monday, February 6th, 2012

A Leg Up on the Competition. Pop icon Madonna just moments before her unfortunate accident.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Pop icon, Madonna lip synced her way into Super Bowl history as her halftime show at Super Bowl XLVI thrilled the faithful at Lucas Oil Stadium. The highly anticipated performance was sandwiched between two  halves of football that saw the New York Giants defeat the New England Patriots 21-17.

Madonna seemed to get through the act well, but eight minutes in, the prosthesis that replaced her right leg after botched hip surgery last June, soared across the stage after a high kick nearly decapitating co-performer, Cee Lo Green. However, the 53 year old legend soldiered on as apparently few in the crowd noticed. (more…)


Shaving Mishap Sidelines Eli Manning; Questionable for Super Bowl

Thursday, February 2nd, 2012

Manning Up? Eli Manning will have to man up. Here he is seconds after shaving went askew.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Teammates were concerned when New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning switched from a razor to an electric shaver last week, claiming he won’t get as close a shave and problems have been known to occur.

“I told him.” said defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul. “You get two or three day’s growth caught up in those rotating blades and the shit can hit the fan.”

Manning’s right cheek whiskers got caught in the Philips Norelco® AT810 Powertouch with Aquatec Technology, then eventually his entire face succumbed to the floating heads resulting in a cranial explosion. (more…)


Eli Manning Admits He Doesn’t Like Football All that Much

Wednesday, September 14th, 2011

Eli Manning's body language exudes the unshakeable confidence and leadership you want in your huddle.

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — After his team’s dismal 28-14 loss to the Redskins in their season opener, converting just 1 of 10 third downs, New York Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning defended his lackluster performance by assuring reporters that “I go out there to do my job.” But despite his storied lineage, the quarterback with the posture and distracted look of an indifferent adolescent, would rather be doing something – almost anything — else for a living.

“Do we really have to talk football?” whined Eli, slowly taking off his jersey and pads. “I was just out there for four whole quarters, trying to make things happen.  But the reality is, I just wasn’t into it. I didn’t wake up this morning and decide I wasn’t into it; it’s just a feeling that sometimes unfolds over the course of a game. Or two. Or four out of every five.”http://www.sportsmansdaily.com/thescrum/wp-includes/js/tinymce/plugins/wordpress/img/trans.gif

Manning’s long-suspected admission took few by surprise — though Giants brass, coaches, teammates and fans wish he’d admitted it sooner. (more…)


“Mom Always Liked You Best!” says Eli Manning

Monday, September 20th, 2010

Manning Up. Sibling rivalry dates back to the heyday of the Smothers Brothers - and most likely before.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After suffering a 38-14 thumping at the hands of his older, more successful brother, Eli Manning went on a nearly forty five minute tirade about growing up in the Manning family.

“When I was a kid it was always ‘Peyton won the Pass, Punt and Kick,’” Eli seethed as an overflowing media contingent jockeyed for position. “‘Peyton won the Most Outstanding Players award,’ ‘Peyton is dating Trudy Hollister, the hottest cheerleader and best friggin’ blow job in Louisiana,’ ‘Peyton this, Peyton that. Peyton Peyton Peyton. Peyton! Peyton! Motherfucking Peyton!’” (more…)


Eli Manning Admits He Doesn’t Like Football All that Much

Tuesday, August 17th, 2010


Eli Manning's body language exudes the unshakeable confidence and leadership you want in your huddle.

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — After sustaining  a 3-inch laceration on his head and needing 12 stitches, the result of a second-quarter hit during Monday night’s pre-season game against the Jets,  New York Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning  assured reporters he’s physically ok.  The real problem, it turns out, is between his ears:  despite his storied lineage, Eli Manning, the quarterback with the posture and distracted look of an indifferent adolescent, would rather be doing something – almost anything — else for a living

“Do we really have to talk football?” whined Eli, slowly taking off his jersey and pads. “I was just out there for almost two whole quarters, trying to make things happen.  But the reality is, I just wasn’t into it. I didn’t wake up this morning and decide I wasn’t into it; it’s just a feeling that sometimes unfolds over the course of a game. Or two. Or four out of every five.” (more…)