Posts Tagged ‘Giants’

A TSD Classique: Roger Goodell Takes Part in Helmet to Helmet Hit Experiment; Results Conclusive

Monday, October 17th, 2016
MIAMI GARDENS, FL - FEBRUARY 07:  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stands on the field prior to Super Bowl XLIV between the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints on February 7, 2010 at Sun Life Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida.  (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

Roger and Who? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s helmet to helmet hit experiment was successful. Here he’s shown contemplating who he is.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s crackdown on dangerous helmet to helmet hits, has gone a step further. After another incident occurred in last night’s Philadelphia Eagles 27-17 victory over the New York Giants, Goodell decided to don a helmet himself in order to demonstrate the seriousness of such contact.

Goodell placed the helmet over his head and was met full force head to head by former NFL linebacker, Derrick Brooks, who gladly obliged.

A prayer circle was formed around Goodell who regained consciousness two hours later. He addressed the media shortly thereafter. (more…)


Robert De Niro’s Plan to Bring Third Baseball Team to New York Gets Raves at Press Conference

Thursday, January 16th, 2014

Teamwork! That’s what Robert De Niro wants to see if he’s successful in bringing a third Major League franchise to New York.

NEW YORK  (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As a boy, Robert De Niro didn’t know Mickey Mantle from Mickey Mouse. Though he had virtually no interest in the sport, he played a baseball player in Bang the Drum Slowly, played a deranged baseball fan in The Fan, and even whacked a guy with bat while playing Al Capone in The Untouchables. So it’s safe to say, he’s picked up a little bit about the game – a little bit.

But now De Niro is leading a group which plans on clearing space in the TriBeCa neighborhood and building a 45,000 seat stadium, to add the New York metropolitan area’s third Major League franchise. (more…)


Unflushed Large Turd in Toilet Closes Metrodome

Monday, December 13th, 2010

Holy Shit! This unfortunate HAZMAT worker is part of the team attempting to remove the turd.

MINNEAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The roof collapse on Sunday at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome took a back seat to the real reason the sports facility was forced to close. An unusually large piece of fecal matter – more commonly known as a huge turd – confounded stadium officials who repeatedly attempted to flush it down the toilet.

“It just wouldn’t budge,” said Herb Glassman, a leading stadium sanitary expert. “We even activated the power flush mode – and nothing. This was one stubborn piece of shit. Clearly it was deposited there by an overweight, blue collar worker who enjoys ribs, cheese nachos and beer. I suspect its been in there since the Packers game on November 21st.” (more…)


Phillies to Play Entire Game Five With Backs Against Wall; Expect Discomfort

Thursday, October 21st, 2010

Wall Order. Shane Victorino practices the wall technique earlier this season in Chicago.

SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It’s Game 5 and the San Francisco Giants lead the NLCS three games to one. For Philadelphia, desperate times call for desperate measures. The starting nine for the Phillies will line up against the outfield wall and stay there in an odd and frenzied attempt to stave of elimination.

“Its a ‘backs against the wall’ technique I once heard about in a game from 1877,” said Phillies Manager Charlie Manuel, whose inexplicable decision to throw Joe Blanton in Game Four instead of Roy Halladay has Phillies fans scratching their collective aching head. “If you’re not familiar with that great moment in baseball history, that’s when the Hartford Dark Blues defeated the St. Louis Brown Stockings by quickly forming human pyramids to prevent home run balls to go over the wall after the pitcher would throw an arching three hundred and twenty-five foot strike from the left field corner. So, I thought we’d try that. See what happens.” (more…)


The Yankee Mystique Isn’t a Real Thing Folks

Saturday, October 16th, 2010

Hugs and Pisses. Is the interlocking NY holy? Nope.

BOCA RATON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Before the New York Yankees became the Yankees, that is before they pried away a guy named George Herman Ruth from the cash strapped Boston Red Sox on January 3, 1920, they were looking up at teams like the Sawks, the cross town New York Giants, and the mighty Philadelphia A’s. Its hard to believe there was a time in sports when the Yankees were just another team.

But they were.

And they still are just another team. Like the Lakers and Celtics and Canadiens and Cowboys and Steelers are just “another” team. (more…)


After Horrific Game, Braves’ Brooks Conrad Wakes Up, Bobbles Shaving Razor; Funeral Thursday

Monday, October 11th, 2010

Bobble Head? Brooks Conrad's bungling efforts just a slice of life.

ATLANTA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Atlanta Braves backup infielder Brooks Conrad’s defensive struggles reached an apex on Sunday night when he made three fielding errors. His miscue in the ninth allowed the San Francisco Giants to win the game and take a 2-1 lead in the NLDS.

Conrad was devastated saying “I wish I could dig a hole and go sleep in there.”

Conrad did get some sleep, and woke up this morning with a positive outlook to turn things around. But that newfound sense of elation was all too brief. His morning grooming ritual soon turned sour as the thirty year old second baseman fumbled with his straight edge razor while shaving. Unable to get a firm grip, he proceeded to accidentally slice his head off. Braves trainers were summoned almost immediately, and the hope was that with some luck his head could be reattached so he could play Monday night. (more…)


“Mom Always Liked You Best!” says Eli Manning

Monday, September 20th, 2010

Manning Up. Sibling rivalry dates back to the heyday of the Smothers Brothers - and most likely before.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After suffering a 38-14 thumping at the hands of his older, more successful brother, Eli Manning went on a nearly forty five minute tirade about growing up in the Manning family.

“When I was a kid it was always ‘Peyton won the Pass, Punt and Kick,’” Eli seethed as an overflowing media contingent jockeyed for position. “‘Peyton won the Most Outstanding Players award,’ ‘Peyton is dating Trudy Hollister, the hottest cheerleader and best friggin’ blow job in Louisiana,’ ‘Peyton this, Peyton that. Peyton Peyton Peyton. Peyton! Peyton! Motherfucking Peyton!’” (more…)


Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

Friday, April 30th, 2010

Yikes! But I have to call it fairly.

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) If you’re a baseball fan – I mean a hardcore, dyed in the wool baseball, you probably have the MLB package on your cable or satellite TV deal. You may be like me and even have the MLB app on your iPhone. You just can’t get away from your team. And if you’re a transplant like I am – that is, root for your original home team in your new home city, well then these technological wonders are an absolute necessity.

Being a Phillies fan in Miami isn’t terrible.  They’re in the same division. So, given the way the unbalanced schedule currently sits, I get to see my beloved Fightins for three series a year. Add a trip up north once a summer to the City of Brotherly Love, and that’s not bad at all. But for me, its not enough. After all, I’m a chronic.  I need to follow all 162 games a year, let alone the post season.

But here in lies the rub. (more…)


Bolts 21 Giants 20: Chargers Use Actual Wildcat During Wildcat Offense

Monday, November 9th, 2009

One Bad Cat. Jamaal opened up a can of whoop ass on Giants.

One Bad Cat. Jamaal opened up a can of whoop ass on Giants.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NFC East is getting weirder by the week as Dallas knocked off Philly and the Giants lost their fourth straight game.  What’s plenty strange is there doesn’t seem to be a clear cut runaway in a division most prognosticators selected New York to take easily.  And when the Chargers used the Wildcat formation yesterday at Giants’ Stadium, fans witnessed a kind of carnage never seen in the NFL. (more…)


Eagles One Up Giants Embarrassing Loss by Losing to Bunch of Girls

Monday, October 19th, 2009

Wu Baby!! Eighth grader Tara Wu phones her mom to tell her she personally sacked Donovan McNabb three times on Sunday.

Wu Baby!! Eighth grader Tara Wu phones her mom to tell her she personally sacked Donovan McNabb three times on Sunday.

OAKLAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Oakland Raiders, who were secretly replaced at the beginning of the season by a group of eighth grade girls, stunned the Philadelphia Eagles yesterday afternoon 13-9. (more…)