The Shit Hits the Fan! Replacement fans and Italian widows, Carmela Botti (left) and Francesca Liguori are the fans' answer to the NFL replacement refs. "Enjoy, NFL. Enjoy!"

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NFL league office is bracing for what most likely be a much lower level of fandom for the foreseeable future.

Monday’s night blatantly blown call in the waning seconds of the game between the Green Bay Packers and Seattle Seahawks had fans everywhere screaming foul. It was evident to nearly everyone that the ball was intercepted by M.D. Jennings, however the stunning decision awarded the ball to Seattle receiver Golden Tate.

“Yeah, that call pretty much put it over the top for us. These replacement refs the NFL is sticking us with are the pits.” said veteran Green Bay fan, Lars Rundgren. “So um, we’ve decided to have ourselves replaced by a much lower level of misinformed fans. From now own the stands will be populated by librarians, seamstresses, conspiracy theorists, and Italian widows. Let’s see how that plays with the boys at the league office.” (more…)

Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan's hearts.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the NFC champion Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.

Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.

“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” (more…)

What a Dick! Matthews' post game hi jinx go askew.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) If things weren’t bad enough for the Green Bay Packers, now this. First, their perfect season went awry with a loss to the Kansas City Chiefs, then offensive coordinator Joe Philbin’s son drowned, next came Sunday’s stunning 37-20 shellacking at the hands of the New York Giants in the NFC Divisional game. Finally, just twenty-three minutes after walking off the field, a despondent Clay Matthews was standing naked in front of the post game spread as table attendant Marc Kostyiak was thinly shaving slices of pork. That’s when Matthews caught his penis in the meat slicer.

An upset Kostyiak apologized to Matthews.  (more…)

Green Hornet Fails Green Bay. Seth Rogen's performance not Oscar worthy.

KANSAS CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In pads and uniform, he may have looked like Aaron Rodgers, he may at times even played like Aaron Rodgers, but A List actor Seth Rogen took full responsibility for the Green Bay Packers loss, and a shot at immortality.

“Granted, I threw for 235 yards and a touchdown, but I was outplayed by Kyle Orton – Kyle Fucking Orton!” seethed Rogen. (more…)

National Nightmare. Xtina puts her heart into botching the Star Spangled Banner

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Christina Aguilera’s version of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl infuriated millions of people nationwide when she botched the lyrics and forgot one line entirely. Radio shows and message boards across the country were buzzing almost immediately. But as her vocal gymnastics routine continued, she apparently rebounded enough to satisfy Kwan Luck, the North Korean judge who gave her a perfect, yet highly controversial score of 10.

“Her vocal gymnastics were of the highest order,” Luck said through an interpreter. “The pan-global, stylistic bravura, the incessant ‘Whahahaha Ohohohoh’ tremolo-vibrato hybrid, and the pulling away from any semblance of melody so that the song became almost unrecognizable was world class, not to mention, flawless. The fact that she dropped a line and fucked up another, pardon my French, is really immaterial. What we’re talking about here is her ability to make the song about herself; to soar above and steal the spotlight from the largely forgotten, unappreciated, classically-trained, supporting musicians earning union scale. That’s entertainment.” (more…)

Reid It and Weep. Eagles Loss is Phillies Gain.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Eagles drive with nearly one minute left on the clock, resulted in a 21-16 loss after quarterback Michael Vick threw an interception in the end zone sealing a Green Bay Packers victory.

The loss infuriated Eagle Head Coach Andy Reid so much he heaved his jacket halfway across the parking lot as he exited the stadium. Phillies employee Conrad Ritz noticed the massive garment and questioned Reid about it.

“He said to me ‘you guys keep the fuckin’ thing,’” said Ritz. “So I motioned for several fans to help me carry it into the underground parking garage at Citizen’s Bank Park. We were about due for a new tarp to cover the infield during rain delays. This will more than fit the bill.” (more…)