Posts Tagged ‘Green Bay Packers’

A TSD Classique: Cheesehead Dies; Cholesterol Level Induces Massive Stroke

Monday, November 21st, 2016

 

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Great Head. Cheesehead will remain immortal in Packers fan’s hearts.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Cheesehead, the unofficial mascot of the  Green Bay Packers, has died. He was 42.

Cheesehead inspired thousands of imitators to don headgear in the shape of a triangular hunk of swiss cheese, but in an effort to excite the Packers fan base, he ignored his familial predisposition to high cholesterol.

“Cheesehead refused to take his cholesterol-lowering medication. This led to a massive stroke yesterday evening.” said Dr. Henry Tosca of the Wisconsin Medical Center. “Given the fact that his head is made up entirely of artery-clogging cheese, its a miracle he didn’t pass on sooner, but still, we’re saddened by his apparent cavalier attitude toward his health.” (more…)


Packers Fan Shows Up for Training Camp 200 Pounds Overweight

Thursday, August 11th, 2016
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Packin’ It On. Conner Carlson needs some cleaning up.

DE PERE, WI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Conner Carlson, a lifelong Green Bay Packers fan and important cog in the wheel of Packer fandom, has some explaining to do, and then a fair amount of work.

“We’re stunned,” said fellow fan, Jerry Schroeder. “We all have spare tires around our middle what with ingesting copious amount of brats and beer, but Conner’s really let himself go. He’s gone from being a moderate, late season heart attack risk, to not making it past the third game of pre-season. It’s unacceptable.”

Carlson claims a harsh winter and layoffs at the pet food plant was the reason for his dramatic weight gain. (more…)


After Loss, Packers Fans Cope With Shattering Realization They Also Live in Fucking Green Bay

Monday, January 19th, 2015
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What a Packass! Brandon Bostick losing his grip.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After playing arguably the most conservative 4th quarter in NFL playoffs history, the Green Bay Packers found themselves on the losing end of a miraculous overtime comeback by the Seattle Seahawks in Sunday’s NFC Championship Game. The final score was 28-22. The loss, which appeared like a sure win for the Packers, left their fans in utter shock. (more…)


Deep-Pocketed Donors Line Up for Chris Christie—Jerry Jones Fusion Ticket in 2016

Monday, January 12th, 2015
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The White Stuff. Christie-Jones gunning for DC.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The GOP has some recalibrating to do after one of its darlings, New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, has teamed up with Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, to form an exploratory committee with the goal of  launching a third party candidacy for the White House.

“It’s no secret, Governor Christie and Mr. Jones have become quite chummy,” said political analyst, Caspar Lopez. “What began as a sports acquaintance with Christie being a lifelong fan of Jones’ Cowboys, has since transformed into not only a deep friendship, but serious plans for a presidential run in 2016.”  (more…)


Tony Romo Gets “Steaming Pile of Poo” Post Game Award; Shares It With Team

Monday, December 16th, 2013
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Shit Winnin’ Grin. Tony Romo shares the steaming pile with his team.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After witnessing a Philadelphia Eagles thumping at the hands of the Minnesota Vikings early Sunday afternoon, the Dallas Cowboys were poised to move to the front of a weak NFC East.  It appeared they would do just that in the first half when they took a commanding 26-3 lead over the Green Bay Packers into the locker room. However, in a last minute script change Hollywood style, the Pack came roaring back stealing a victory in the final seconds, 37-36.

Immediately after the game, the team handed their “Steaming Pile of Poo” award to quarterback Tony Romo who threw a critical interception, setting up the Green Bay miracle.

“Once again, I’ve skillfully snatched bitter defeat from the clutches of triumph as only I know how.” said the veteran pass thrower holding the fabled cutting board piled high with the vaporous, fetid fecal matter of several unnamed linemen. “But to stand here today and not share this with each and every one of my teammates and coaches, would be unthinkable.”  (more…)


After Monday Night NFL Debacle, Packers Fans to Institute Replacement Crowd

Wednesday, September 26th, 2012

The Shit Hits the Fan! Replacement fans and Italian widows, Carmela Botti (left) and Francesca Liguori are the fans' answer to the NFL replacement refs. "Enjoy, NFL. Enjoy!"

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NFL league office is bracing for what most likely be a much lower level of fandom for the foreseeable future.

Monday’s night blatantly blown call in the waning seconds of the game between the Green Bay Packers and Seattle Seahawks had fans everywhere screaming foul. It was evident to nearly everyone that the ball was intercepted by M.D. Jennings, however the stunning decision awarded the ball to Seattle receiver Golden Tate.

“Yeah, that call pretty much put it over the top for us. These replacement refs the NFL is sticking us with are the pits.” said veteran Green Bay fan, Lars Rundgren. “So um, we’ve decided to have ourselves replaced by a much lower level of misinformed fans. From now own the stands will be populated by librarians, seamstresses, conspiracy theorists, and Italian widows. Let’s see how that plays with the boys at the league office.” (more…)


After Stunning Loss, Clay Matthews Gets Dick Caught in Meat Slicer At Post Game Dinner

Monday, January 16th, 2012

What a Dick! Matthews' post game hi jinx go askew.

GREEN BAY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) If things weren’t bad enough for the Green Bay Packers, now this. First, their perfect season went awry with a loss to the Kansas City Chiefs, then offensive coordinator Joe Philbin’s son drowned, next came Sunday’s stunning 37-20 shellacking at the hands of the New York Giants in the NFC Divisional game. Finally, just twenty-three minutes after walking off the field, a despondent Clay Matthews was standing naked in front of the post game spread as table attendant Marc Kostyiak was thinly shaving slices of pork. That’s when Matthews caught his penis in the meat slicer.

An upset Kostyiak apologized to Matthews.  (more…)


Researching Movie Role, Seth Rogen Steps In As Aaron Rodgers, Packers Loses First Game

Monday, December 19th, 2011

Green Hornet Fails Green Bay. Seth Rogen's performance not Oscar worthy.

KANSAS CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In pads and uniform, he may have looked like Aaron Rodgers, he may at times even played like Aaron Rodgers, but A List actor Seth Rogen took full responsibility for the Green Bay Packers loss, and a shot at immortality.

“Granted, I threw for 235 yards and a touchdown, but I was outplayed by Kyle Orton – Kyle Fucking Orton!” seethed Rogen. (more…)


Xtina’s Botched Anthem Vocal Gymnastics Still Get a Ten from North Korean Judge; Packers Win Super Bowl

Monday, February 7th, 2011

National Nightmare. Xtina puts her heart into botching the Star Spangled Banner

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Christina Aguilera’s version of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl infuriated millions of people nationwide when she botched the lyrics and forgot one line entirely. Radio shows and message boards across the country were buzzing almost immediately. But as her vocal gymnastics routine continued, she apparently rebounded enough to satisfy Kwan Luck, the North Korean judge who gave her a perfect, yet highly controversial score of 10.

“Her vocal gymnastics were of the highest order,” Luck said through an interpreter. “The pan-global, stylistic bravura, the incessant ‘Whahahaha Ohohohoh’ tremolo-vibrato hybrid, and the pulling away from any semblance of melody so that the song became almost unrecognizable was world class, not to mention, flawless. The fact that she dropped a line and fucked up another, pardon my French, is really immaterial. What we’re talking about here is her ability to make the song about herself; to soar above and steal the spotlight from the largely forgotten, unappreciated, classically-trained, supporting musicians earning union scale. That’s entertainment.” (more…)


Andy Reid Donates His Jacket to Phillies as New Infield Tarp After Eagles Loss

Sunday, January 9th, 2011

Reid It and Weep. Eagles Loss is Phillies Gain.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Philadelphia Eagles drive with nearly one minute left on the clock, resulted in a 21-16 loss after quarterback Michael Vick threw an interception in the end zone sealing a Green Bay Packers victory.

The loss infuriated Eagle Head Coach Andy Reid so much he heaved his jacket halfway across the parking lot as he exited the stadium. Phillies employee Conrad Ritz noticed the massive garment and questioned Reid about it.

“He said to me ‘you guys keep the fuckin’ thing,’” said Ritz. “So I motioned for several fans to help me carry it into the underground parking garage at Citizen’s Bank Park. We were about due for a new tarp to cover the infield during rain delays. This will more than fit the bill.” (more…)