Posts Tagged ‘Jerry Jones’

Monsanto Grows Mutated Cowboys in North Texas Immediately After Loss to Philly

Monday, November 9th, 2015

Garden Party. Horace and Bernice Lovecraft tend over their garden of “near ready” Cowboys.

IRVING, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a neck and neck game that took overtime to decide, the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the Dallas Cowboys 33-27 behind the surprisingly solid performance of quarterback, Sam Bradford.

Immediately after the loss, Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, gave the green light to the Monsanto Corporation to begin harvesting a mutated strain of instant players to be funneled in and out of the Cowboys’ roster at their own discretion. The player garden was at an undisclosed, but heavily fortified location about twenty miles west of the stadium. (more…)


Deep-Pocketed Donors Line Up for Chris Christie—Jerry Jones Fusion Ticket in 2016

Monday, January 12th, 2015
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The White Stuff. Christie-Jones gunning for DC.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The GOP has some recalibrating to do after one of its darlings, New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, has teamed up with Dallas Cowboys owner, Jerry Jones, to form an exploratory committee with the goal of  launching a third party candidacy for the White House.

“It’s no secret, Governor Christie and Mr. Jones have become quite chummy,” said political analyst, Caspar Lopez. “What began as a sports acquaintance with Christie being a lifelong fan of Jones’ Cowboys, has since transformed into not only a deep friendship, but serious plans for a presidential run in 2016.”  (more…)


Eagles Fans Hold Out Hope in Easter Island, Time Warp, Blood Moon, Second Tuesday, Fault Line, Pyramid Apex, Fiery Death of Jerry Jones Scenario

Monday, December 22nd, 2014
Easter-Island

Eagles Island? Part of the series of events to occur to get Philly in.

PHILADELPHIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After being in the driver’s seat of the NFC East just three short weeks ago, the Philadelphia Eagles find themselves eliminated from the post season — bounced out after the Dallas Cowboy’s convincing 42-7 drubbing of the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday.

But are they really out?

Tony Locatelli of South Philadelphia is part of a growing group of Eagles fans that are clinging to a little known, but legitimate scenario that might get their beloved Eagles to the playoffs.  (more…)


Dallas Cowboys to Begin 2014 Quarterback Experimentation with Lab Rat

Monday, December 30th, 2013
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Rat and Happy. This little guy might be getting a big time contract.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After losing the NFC East crown to a division rival for the third straight year, the Dallas Cowboys are going to try something new. With Tony Romo’s history of blowing games and the long return from back surgery, as well as no viable backup at the helm, the team says their next move will be radical.

“The (24-22) loss to the (Philadelphia) Eagles yesterday got me thinking.” said team owner, Jerry Jones. “When Kyle Orton threw that interception at the end of the game, I lost my cool. You may have seen footage of me in the luxury suite actually losing my cool. I said ‘rats!’ Of course, that was right after I said ‘motherfucking, shit eating, bastard, son of a bitch, prick, fuck!’  But the takeaway was indeed ‘rats.’ I immediately took my private elevator down to our underground laboratory, where we experiment with body parts. I walked past the severed limbs and skeletal remains of former employees right to the rat area.” (more…)


Power Outage at Giants Stadium Results in Jerry Jones Feeling Up Female Luxury Box Attendant

Monday, November 15th, 2010

She and Mr. Jones. Jerry gets busy when the lights dim.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On two separate occasions the lights went out at Giants Stadium on Sunday as the Cowboys stunned the host New York Giants 33-20. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, took the electrical snafus as an opportunity to get in on his team’s action – in a manner of speaking.

“Yep. I did it. I went and got me some,” the maverick owner chimed afterward. “Felt a little titty and beaver in the pitch black. Reminded me of when I was a kid and Trent Hollock’s sister Doreen was always hanging around. Got me some then too.” (more…)


Dallas Cowboys Masquerade as Pro Football Team for Halloween; Owner Jones Goes as Demon

Monday, November 1st, 2010

The Devil in Mr. Jones. Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones gets all demonic for Halloween while his players pretend they're real football team.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Perhaps going into their game against Jacksonville, the Cowboys felt a bit like hiding. Afterward, they went into an all out disappearing act. Most of the team spent the evening trick or treating behind masks and makeup as their favorite professional football players.

“I went as Tom Brady,” said Cowboys backup quarterback, Jon Kitna, who threw four interceptions in yesterday’s 35-17 loss at home. “I’m hoping someday my trick or treat dreams will go from getting candy to playing for a real NFL team.” (more…)