Posts Tagged ‘Kobe Bryant’

Celtics’ Evil Leprechaun Terrorizes Locker Room

Tuesday, March 17th, 2015

When Irish Eyes Are Smilin’. This smile means you’re through.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Boston Celtics have won five in a row and are still gunning for a slot in the post-season, but many Celtics players have stopped focusing on playing after what happened yesterday after their 108-89 victory over Philadelphia. (more…)


Kobe to Leave Lakers for Solo Career

Thursday, January 29th, 2015
kobe-bryant-news-conf

Solo can you go? Kobe Bryant announces his decision to start a solo career next season. .

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kobe Bryant, the enigmatic star of the Los Angeles Lakers announced he was leaving the team to embark on a solo basketball career. Bryant claims creative differences as the reason for his decision.

“It’s been nice touring around with the guys and hearing all the cheers from fans across the country,” said Bryant. “But there are just certain things only a solo career can give me – a more intimate level of communication, a truer expression of my inner voice. It’s really nothing against the guys. I just need the ultimate freedom to create the way I know how to create.” (more…)


Kobe Bryant to Have Arrogance Surgically Removed

Wednesday, July 31st, 2013

Why the long face? This will be as happy as you’ll see Kobe Bryant after his operation.

Tricky Procedure Could Leave Him Dull

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — At the request of teammates and handlers, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant has opted to undergo a controversial and potentially career-threatening operation which will remove his arrogance.

“This is going to be delicate,” said Dr. Matthew Grant, chief surgeon at Cedars Sinai. “We’re concerned that even under anesthesia, Mr. Bryant’s arrogance can effectively alienate the surgical unit. This of course could lead us to dealing with everything from apathy to in-fighting to an incessant onslaught of hopelessness. However, we’re very seriously entertaining the notion of having three members of the selfless, ‘team-first’ oriented San Antonio Spurs, and a circus clown present while the operation is underway – just in case some of us get ‘too bummed out.’” (more…)


Enraged Kobe Bryant Hobbles Amok Through LA With Giant Meat Cleaver

Monday, April 29th, 2013
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Leave it to Cleaver. Kobe vents a bit.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After watching his Lakers get swept out in four games by the San Antonio Spurs, an injured Kobe Bryant secured an immense meat cleaver from the bowels of the Staples Center and began hacking at teammates, opponents, and passersby.

“He just walked in and demanded I fork over the cleaver.” said Jacques Legrande, the Paris-based team nutritionist and chef, as he was preparing a post game meal of Coq au vin, Truffade, Choucroute gamie, and pulled pork. “When he hits you with the death stare, you have no choice but to comply.”  (more…)


NBA All Star Game: Players Have Difficulty Hearing Plays Over Entire Crowd Snoring

Monday, February 18th, 2013

Game Over. Clem Hopkins is still sleeping long after the game ended.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The West defeated the East 143-138 In Sunday’s NBA All Star Game. Sure, LeBron James tried to lead a comeback late in the game. Sure, Chris Paul was the MVP for West. Sure Kobe Bryant actually played defense in an all-star game.  Still, none of that mattered as missed play after missed play and shouts of “huh?” dominated action as the sold out crowd’s collective snoring drowned out even the ear splitting in-game sound effects.  (more…)


Grammys at Staples Center Interrupt Pissed Off Kobe’s Private Shoot Around

Monday, February 11th, 2013

Kobe Thanks The Academy. The scowl says it all.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Fresh off a 107-97 loss to the Miami Heat, Lakers star Kobe Bryant took his personal supersonic jet home to get in some practice. However, he was stunned when he walked in on a party.

“What the fuck is this?” fumed Bryant, as the 55th Annual Grammy Awards were underway.

Afterward, the NBA all star did get to work on his jumper as rappers, country artists, and rock legends filed out. Later he shared his feelings on the night.  (more…)


Kobe Bryant Creepily Lurks Outside Mike Brown’s House for Third Straight Day

Tuesday, November 13th, 2012

Stare Tactics. The infamous "death stare" Kobe Bryant laid on Mike Brown shortly before the firing.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After Kobe Bryant’s infamous, nationally televised “death stare” and the subsequent firing of LA Lakers Head Coach, Mike Brown, the Lakers star is in his third day of hanging around the frightened coach’s home.

“He watches me from across the street when I’m making breakfast.” said Brown. “I sense his presence all around me. He texted me and told me he watches me when I’m sleeping. That’s some creepy, creepy, creepy ass shit. Can’t he just leave well enough alone? I’m fired, I’m out. I have nothing to do with the Lakers anymore. What the hell?”  (more…)


Lakers Hide From Kobe After Game 5 Exit

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012

If you thought his team mates steered clear of Kobe on the floor, they were no where to be seen as he stormed into the locker room looking to pin blame for their Game 5 meltdown.

OKLAHOMA CITY (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — When it was over, there wasn’t a Laker to be found…anywhere. Only fifteen seconds after the game ended, the locker room was mysteriously empty and if not for the solitary figure of Kobe Bryant calling out his “punkass” team mates and heaving every object not nailed down (including a Japanese reporter), eerily quiet.

“I hate you! I hate you!” fumed Bryant. “I hate you, hate you, hate you!”

Onlookers unfamiliar with Kobe’s juvenile tantrums were as stunned as Chesapeake Energy Arena fans who had just witnessed the Lakers get blown out in Game 5 of the Western Conference Semifinals.

“This is the side no one sees, he’s a spoiled child,” said Vic Anderson of the LA Times. “The guys lay low until it blows over. You just hope it blows over before Vanessa (Kobe’s wife) gets involved. She’s gotten three players traded, an assistant coach reassigned and nine cheerleaders fired.” (more…)


Where It Started Going Wrong: Kobe Pummels Vanessa as Post-Game Encounter Goes Off Script

Wednesday, December 21st, 2011

(A special TSD “We Saw it Coming” Flashback. The original story — below — was posted after the Lakers were swept in last year’s Western Conference Finals by the Mavericks.)

The Lakers' rebuilding process just got tougher as Kobe's wife Vanessa files for free agency.

DALLAS, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — It’s a scene the Bryants have enacted  many times before: a triumphant Kobe Bryant leaves the floor and heads  to the locker room where Vanessa Bryant and the couple’s two children wait, providing viewers at home with a warm Hallmark moment. While scripted down to Vanessa’s bionic smile, it’s been a demonstrable pr asset, seeming to humanize the aloof, self-absorbed, hard-to-like superstar.

But things took a horrible turn when a fuming Kobe stormed off the court after being swept by the Dallas Mavericks in a stunning 122-86 blow-out.  There, as usual, was Vanessa in place under the stands, her two adorable daughters in tow, waiting to play out the by now familiar scene, when in a fit of anger Kobe turned and caught her flush on the jaw with a right cross. Stunned, she began to wobble and wilt, when Kobe rained down a flurry of vicious rights and lefts – scoring on close to 90% of his punches. Three Lakers and two American Airlines Center security guards had to pull Kobe off the by now thoroughly battered and bleeding Vanessa, and lead him into the locker room where he proceeded to berate his teammates. (more…)


Kobe Pummels Vanessa as Post-Game Encounter Goes Off Script

Tuesday, May 10th, 2011

The Lakers' rebuilding process starts with Kobe trying to repair his relationship with his wife Vanessa.

DALLAS, TX (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — It’s a scene the Bryants have enacted  many times before: a triumphant Kobe Bryant leaves the floor and heads  to the locker room where Vanessa Bryant and the couple’s two children wait, providing viewers at home with a warm Hallmark moment. While scripted down to Vanessa’s bionic smile, it’s been a demonstrable pr asset, seeming to humanize the aloof, self-absorbed, hard-to-like superstar.

But things took a horrible turn when a fuming Kobe stormed off the court after being swept by the Dallas Mavericks in a stunning 122-86 blow-out.  There, as usual, was Vanessa in place under the stands, her two adorable daughters in tow, waiting to play out the by now familiar scene, when in a fit of anger Kobe turned and caught her flush on the jaw with a right cross. Stunned, she began to wobble and wilt, when Kobe rained down a flurry of vicious rights and lefts – scoring on close to 90% of his punches. Three Lakers and two American Airlines Center security guards had to pull Kobe off the by now thoroughly battered and bleeding Vanessa, and lead him into the locker room where he proceeded to berate his teammates. (more…)


Phil Jackson Watches Reruns of Old Championships; Then Game Pass Him By

Sunday, May 8th, 2011

Zen and Where? Phil Jackson may not know where he is.

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Phil Jackson, arguably the greatest coach in professional basketball history, and winner of eleven NBA titles, was embarrassingly reduced to mortal being on Sunday as the Dallas Mavericks completed a sweep of his Los Angeles Lakers, crushing the two-time defending champs, 122-86.

Before the game, Jackson and several of his players enjoyed viewing video highlights of his eleven titles in the hopes that it would ignite a Lakers comeback.

“That awkward smile you saw on my face beginning late in the third quarter was me watching the game pass me by,” said the man know as the Zen Master. “It tapped me on the shoulder after Game 3, and then just presented me with a good old fashioned ‘sayonara‘ on Sunday. It could have at least given me a gold watch or the keys to 2011 Hyundai Sonata or something, but nothing.” (more…)


Illustrated Man Out Tattoos NBA All-Stars During Halftime Festivities; Claims Copyright Infringement

Monday, February 21st, 2011

Illustrate This. Sci-Fi character drops in on the NBA All-Star Game.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Illustrated Man, the character created by legendary science fiction writer Ray Bradbury and played by Rod Steiger in the 1969 film of the same name, made a shocking and entirely unexpected appearance at Sunday’s NBA All-Star Game in Los Angeles.

“It was horrific,” said the game’s high scorer, hometown favorite, Kobe Bryant who led the West to a 148-143 victory. “My man was chilling – and when I say that – I don’t mean chillin’. It was chilling as in bone chilling, scary-ass shit.”

Players, coaches, fans and even some members of the security team bolted for the exits as this horrific, mutated man, who is both from the past and the future, stood at mid court bathed in an eerie, incandescent glow, as the pulsating strains of Lil’ Wayne came to a screeching halt. (more…)