Balls Out. LeBron James has allowed this Peruvian tourist to get a first hand feel of what Earth’s balls are like.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Miami Heat superstar LeBron James felt that he had them in his grasp for the past couple of years. In fact, he even went as far to say he could smell it. But on Tuessday the Peruvian government officially proclaimed James has the world by the balls. James arrived in Lima, Peru on Monday night to prepare for the ritual-heavy ceremony which included climbing a scaffold and gripping the dangling testicles for eight consecutive hours. “They were spongey and a lot smaller than I expected them to be,” James said. “They look real old. There’s a heck of a lot of history there. When I think of all the dudes that had them in their hands, it really makes me realize how lucky I am.” (more…)

Game Over. Clem Hopkins is still sleeping long after the game ended.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The West defeated the East 143-138 In Sunday’s NBA All Star Game. Sure, LeBron James tried to lead a comeback late in the game. Sure, Chris Paul was the MVP for West. Sure Kobe Bryant actually played defense in an all-star game.  Still, none of that mattered as missed play after missed play and shouts of “huh?” dominated action as the sold out crowd’s collective snoring drowned out even the ear splitting in-game sound effects.  (more…)

"Where for art thou, King James?" Lebron's mom Gloria, in a "not too happy" moment.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Gloria James was front and center and very much caught up in the hysteria Thursday night when the Miami Heat defeated the Oklahoma City Thunder for the NBA Championship. But the mother of series MVP, Lebron James wasn’t too happy when her superstar son left her alone in the American Airlines Arena player’s parking lot at 4:00 AM.

“Everyone was still out on the street at four in the morning beating their pots and pans and drinking champagne and beer and running around like assholes, and there I am with my hands on my hips waiting for L, and where is he? said the elder James. “I had to hitch a ride with Pat Riley’s wife.” (more…)

The Crying James. LeBron hopes flying under the radar will allow him to avoid moments like these.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The lockout is over, and the NBA is back. With a proposed 66 game abbreviated schedule, regular season action will commence on Christmas Day. Once again, the Miami Heat are favored to go deep into the post season and perhaps bring home a championship. One of the team’s “big three” superstars, Lebron James, believes his proclivity for choking in the clutch may possibly fly under the radar this season for several reasons.

“It’s kinda cool.” chimed James. “With less games, my percentage of really sucking in the clutch goes down, and because people are really annoyed with the whole league anyway, less people will come out to see the games. Oh, and there’s some sweet ass reality shows on this season which is much more interesting than watching us play say, uh, the (Golden State) Warriors on the road.” (more…)

Virtual James. LeBron finally gets to hoist the trophy.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Even as a 2011-12 NBA season seems more and more unlikely, fourteen year old Hector Gutierrez couldn’t be happier. That’s because he managed to commandeer the Miami Heat, and LeBron James in particular, to an NBA Finals title in the wildly popular NBA 2K11 game on his XBOX 360.

“Finally!” chimed the high school freshman. “The only way that asshole’s ever gonna win anything is in my more than capable hands.”

Gutierrez coaxed an eye popping 58 points out of James who led the Heat to a Game 7 rout of the Los Angeles Lakers, controlled by Connor Grant who lives across the street. (more…)

Brother, Can You Spare a Dime? Apparently not, as LeBron James refuses to help, but instead returns to his charmed life..

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Miami Heat star LeBron James, who after last night’s loss to the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals infamously spouted, “All the people that were rooting on me to fail – at the end of the day – they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They have the same personal problems they had today” was apparently right as Lester Bannister, 39, of Miami Gardens, Florida woke up at 5:30 AM and realized his life totally sucks.

“I’m between gigs, with three kids, and have a wife who cheats on me,” lamented the unemployed civil engineer and relocated New York Knicks fan. “Goddamn I wish I was LeBron with his perfect life. Help me LeBron. Please, help me. I won’t be bustin’ on your ringless ass anymore. I promise.” (more…)

Bury the 6. Boat of Chicago's shore awaits LeBron's performance to escort to it's final resting place.

CHICAGO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) 5 for 15 is apparently all it takes to be considered officially dead. LeBron James and the Miami Heat suffered an embarrassing Game 1 loss to the Chicago Bulls 103-82 in the NBA’s Eastern Conference Finals. James poor 15 point performance was quickly rendered dead, wrapped in a white sheet and taken twelve miles out onto Lake Michigan and dumped into water believed to be 425 feet deep. LeBron observed the traditional Muslim burial.

“OK. Well, I guess I’ll have to start over and figure out how to play this game,” said LeBron. “Sheikh Ahmed Abdul-Malik told me ‘hang in there, we’ll get ‘em next time.’”

It was also explained to LeBron that even though Sunday’s performance is in fact very dead, his career can live again. (more…)

LeBron Hits the Douche. Oscar® winner James is in the stratosphere.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Miami Heat Forward LeBron James played opposite himself Sunday evening in a manner of speaking. He was unable to collect his special Academy Award in Los Angeles as he was busy in Miami losing to the retooled, New York Knicks 91-86.

James infuriated the city of Cleveland last year when he spurned the fans and the Cavaliers by picking the Heat as his new team in a highly publicized press conference event.

“In essence he cast himself as the villain,” said Academy member, Clifford Stokes. “And since the line between sports and entertainment gets blurrier every day, we felt it was time LeBron get an award he really deserves. That’s why we voted him this special Oscar® for Outstanding Achievement in Sports Entertainment Douche Baggery.” (more…)

Illustrate This. Sci-Fi character drops in on the NBA All-Star Game.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Illustrated Man, the character created by legendary science fiction writer Ray Bradbury and played by Rod Steiger in the 1969 film of the same name, made a shocking and entirely unexpected appearance at Sunday’s NBA All-Star Game in Los Angeles.

“It was horrific,” said the game’s high scorer, hometown favorite, Kobe Bryant who led the West to a 148-143 victory. “My man was chilling – and when I say that – I don’t mean chillin’. It was chilling as in bone chilling, scary-ass shit.”

Players, coaches, fans and even some members of the security team bolted for the exits as this horrific, mutated man, who is both from the past and the future, stood at mid court bathed in an eerie, incandescent glow, as the pulsating strains of Lil’ Wayne came to a screeching halt. (more…)

O death, where is thy bling? LeBron James has not only developed a scarily dead-on Swedish accent, but a fatalistic persona that’s really bumming people out.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The soap opera that is the life of LeBron James has taken another baffling turn. Miami Heat players and management are trying to determine how their newest superstar, LeBron James has suddenly taken on an almost total and nearly perfect Swedish accent. After suffering a rare 111-105 loss to the lowly Clippers Wednesday night in Los Angeles, the accent magically appeared.

“I’ve been around basketball for over forty years, and I’ve seen a lot,” said Heat GM Pat Riley. “But I have absolutely no explanation for this at all. What can I say? Uh, he did go shopping at IKEA once.”

But teammates insist Riley is misinformed and that James has become obsessed with the Swedish furniture chain spending hours rummaging through their small, but surprisingly well-stocked imported food area. (more…)

Lock Blocked. LeBron's keys just ain't gettin' it done.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) LeBron James along with his Miami Heat teammates put a thumping on the hometown Cleveland Cavaliers last night 118-90. James scored a game high 38 points to lead Miami against his old team. James was determined to prove his commitment to the Heat and prove his work ethic to the Cavs, but when he showed up at Quicken Loans Arena seven hours before game time, he was met with an unpleasant surprise.

“I still had my old key,” said James. “I tried to unlock the door at the south employees entrance, but it didn’t work anymore. That was a little embarrassing since I was with my cousins Darnell, Luke, and Carl. I was standing there like a total dick with a big ass smile on my face trying to make it seem like the door was stuck. Damn, when Dan Gilbert holds a grudge, he holds a grudge.” (more…)

Three Dawg Heat. Show time South Beach style is just the tip of the iceberg.

BOCA RATON, FL. (Special to Sportsman’s Daily) When Michael Jordan stated he didn’t want to be like LeBron James and call up Larry Bird and Magic Johnson to form a super team, I believed him. His competitive spirit really wouldn’t allow it. “I wanted to beat those guys,” Jordan said. His Airness simply wouldn’t tarnish his legacy playing on a team of superstars – save the All-Star Game or the Dream Team. Granted, he had Scottie Pippen, but go back and look at nearly every championship team. The so called superstar/leader was flanked by one or two other very good to great player(s). Magic had Kareem and Worthy. Larry had McHale and Parrish. Bill Russell had Bob Cousy, then John Havlicek. And even Wilt Chamberlain had Billy Cunningham and Hal Greer in Philly and later Elgin Baylor and Jerry West on the Lakers. The history of the NBA is filled with dynamic duos and trios of doom. (more…)