Posts Tagged ‘LeBron James’

From the Archives: LeBron James Admits He Enjoys Speeding Through School Zones Just Because He’s LeBron James

Thursday, November 17th, 2016
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School Daze. LBJ just havin’ fun.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Before traveling westward for Game 1 of the NBA Finals, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James got in a little “me” time.  He enjoyed a thrilled-packed afternoon of illegal fireworks displays near a nursing home, and driving recklessly at high rates of speed through school zones.

“Just blowin’ off a little steam,” the All-Star forward chimed. “Some people like to listen to some jams, others toss back a cold one, or spark up a big ass fatty. LBJ likes to endanger the innocent with indiscriminant hi jinx just because I’m LBJ, dig?” (more…)


After Finals Loss, Steph Curry Drops Thousands of Game-Used Mouthpieces On Cleveland Fans

Monday, June 20th, 2016
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Getting Mouthy. Golden State Warriors superstar, Steph Curry’s little gift for the people of Cleveland.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Embattled NBA MVP, Stephen Curry, frustrated after a Game 6 loss in Cleveland, infamously hurled his saliva-saturated mouthpiece into the crowd, striking a Cavaliers fan seconds after fouling out. He was ejected from the game as well. Apparently, the spritely shooting guard didn’t learn his lesson. After his Golden State Warriors were unable to close out the series on their home floor in Game 7, losing 93-89 to the Cavaliers, Curry hired a helicopter to dump a large cache of game-used mouthpieces over delirious Cavs fans. (more…)


Golden State Warriors Let Little Used Justin Holiday Hang Out in Locker Room For a Bit

Wednesday, June 17th, 2015
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Hi, I’m Justin. This undated photo shows how desperate Holiday is to see some PT.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Golden State Warriors won their first NBA title in 40 years defeating the Cleveland Cavaliers 105-97 in Game 6 Tuesday night in Cleveland. Small forward, Justin Holiday, who saw little or no time in the post-season sat patiently at the end of the bench hoping to see some playing time. When the Warriors clinched the title and the celebration began, a thrilled Holiday was told he’d be allowed to partake in a portion of the festivities.

“I think he had a sip of champagne and touched the trophy for a second which was proportionate to his contribution,” said All-Star guard and league MVP, Steph Curry. “I suppose we’ll see him back in Oakland, that is if he can find a Greyhound near the Econo Lodge he’s staying at.” (more…)


Local Guy Announces He Might Change Up Menu For NBA Finals Get-Togethers

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2015
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All For Not. Mickey Foster’s Kitchen might remain eerily empty.

PARMA, OH (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Mickey Foster has been a Cavaliers fan since he was a boy. The thought of the Cavs returning to the NBA Finals has him going in several directions at once. He planned ahead, anticipating a deep run into the playoffs, and put in for his vacation time early. Foster has been the “go to” guy for several years when it comes to hosting sports parties for his friends. They’re all eager to attend every game at his house, but privately some have expressed concern about some menu modifications the 43 year old is planning. (more…)


Miami Heat: Chris “Birdman” Andersen Announces Return to Tattoo Parlor

Friday, July 11th, 2014
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Absurd Bird. Birdman has some work to do.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the heels of LeBron James’ return to Cleveland, and what promises to be a revolving door of roster moves, the Miami Heat announced today that Power Forward, Chris “Birdman” Andersen will return to Billy Joe’s Tattoo Gallery for the 2014-15 season.

“I need to keep up appearances, and quite frankly, there are a few square inches on me that need to be inked up,” said Andersen. “The underside of my scrotal sac for example is largely bare, as well as the inside of my eyelids. So we’re exploring our options. Of course I’ll need at least a year to adjust emotionally.”

The Heat as well aren’t leaving any stone unturned. (more…)


Each Miami Heat Player Wins Case of Schlitz and Summer of Indescribable Anguish

Monday, June 16th, 2014
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Shame on James. LeBron couldn’t go for three.

SAN ANTONIO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A threepeat was not part of the Miami Heat’s destiny, as they were manhandled in last night’s Game 5 of the NBA Finals by the San Antonio Spurs. But the Heat each player on the two-time defending champs will not walk away empty handed. Each member of the roster will receive a case of Schlitz brand beer, which will temporarily numb, but ultimately magnify a long, smothering, summer of indescribable anguish. (more…)


LeBron James Finds Depressed Tim Duncan at Bottom of Post Game Meal

Monday, June 10th, 2013
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Duncan Donuts? Maybe for dessert.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After the Miami Heat’s Sunday night 103-84 thrashing of the San Antonio Spurs, superstar LeBron James joined his teammates for the traditional post game dinner, and a small victory celebration before departing for Texas. Nothing unusual there. What did catch James by surprise was discovering a despondent Tim Duncan sulking at the bottom of his generous portion of grilled fish and macaroni and cheese.

“Hey.” a crestfallen Duncan moaned. “I’m here because I’d like to personally thank you and the fellas for a lesson in reality.”

Eyewitnesses said James did his best to cheer up his opponent.  (more…)


It’s Official: LeBron’s Got the World by the Balls

Sunday, March 3rd, 2013

 

 

Balls Out. LeBron James has allowed this Peruvian tourist to get a first hand feel of what Earth’s balls are like.

 

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – Miami Heat superstar LeBron James felt that he had them in his grasp for the past couple of years. In fact, he even went as far to say he could smell it. But on Tuessday the Peruvian government officially proclaimed James has the world by the balls. James arrived in Lima, Peru on Monday night to prepare for the ritual-heavy ceremony which included climbing a scaffold and gripping the dangling testicles for eight consecutive hours. “They were spongey and a lot smaller than I expected them to be,” James said. “They look real old. There’s a heck of a lot of history there. When I think of all the dudes that had them in their hands, it really makes me realize how lucky I am.” (more…)


NBA All Star Game: Players Have Difficulty Hearing Plays Over Entire Crowd Snoring

Monday, February 18th, 2013

Game Over. Clem Hopkins is still sleeping long after the game ended.

HOUSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The West defeated the East 143-138 In Sunday’s NBA All Star Game. Sure, LeBron James tried to lead a comeback late in the game. Sure, Chris Paul was the MVP for West. Sure Kobe Bryant actually played defense in an all-star game.  Still, none of that mattered as missed play after missed play and shouts of “huh?” dominated action as the sold out crowd’s collective snoring drowned out even the ear splitting in-game sound effects.  (more…)


In Confusion of Celebration, Lebron Leaves Pissed Off Mom in Arena Parking Lot at 4AM

Friday, June 22nd, 2012

"Where for art thou, King James?" Lebron's mom Gloria, in a "not too happy" moment.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Gloria James was front and center and very much caught up in the hysteria Thursday night when the Miami Heat defeated the Oklahoma City Thunder for the NBA Championship. But the mother of series MVP, Lebron James wasn’t too happy when her superstar son left her alone in the American Airlines Arena player’s parking lot at 4:00 AM.

“Everyone was still out on the street at four in the morning beating their pots and pans and drinking champagne and beer and running around like assholes, and there I am with my hands on my hips waiting for L, and where is he? said the elder James. “I had to hitch a ride with Pat Riley’s wife.” (more…)


LeBron James Excited Abbreviated Season Will Limit Choking Opportunities

Monday, November 28th, 2011

The Crying James. LeBron hopes flying under the radar will allow him to avoid moments like these.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The lockout is over, and the NBA is back. With a proposed 66 game abbreviated schedule, regular season action will commence on Christmas Day. Once again, the Miami Heat are favored to go deep into the post season and perhaps bring home a championship. One of the team’s “big three” superstars, Lebron James, believes his proclivity for choking in the clutch may possibly fly under the radar this season for several reasons.

“It’s kinda cool.” chimed James. “With less games, my percentage of really sucking in the clutch goes down, and because people are really annoyed with the whole league anyway, less people will come out to see the games. Oh, and there’s some sweet ass reality shows on this season which is much more interesting than watching us play say, uh, the (Golden State) Warriors on the road.” (more…)


LeBron James Stoked to Learn His NBA 2K11 Video Likeness Wins Championship

Monday, November 7th, 2011

Virtual James. LeBron finally gets to hoist the trophy.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Even as a 2011-12 NBA season seems more and more unlikely, fourteen year old Hector Gutierrez couldn’t be happier. That’s because he managed to commandeer the Miami Heat, and LeBron James in particular, to an NBA Finals title in the wildly popular NBA 2K11 game on his XBOX 360.

“Finally!” chimed the high school freshman. “The only way that asshole’s ever gonna win anything is in my more than capable hands.”

Gutierrez coaxed an eye popping 58 points out of James who led the Heat to a Game 7 rout of the Los Angeles Lakers, controlled by Connor Grant who lives across the street. (more…)