Posts Tagged ‘London’

Olympics Update: Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma Late Entry into Rio Games; Represents Vatican City

Monday, August 8th, 2016

That’s three Hail Mary’s for you! Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma is trigger happy with this fault-finding finger. Now he’s bringing his high wire act to Rio.

RIO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — He wasn’t able to arrive in time to march in the Parade of Nations, but Cardinal Salvatore Di Palma’s controversial and late entry into the Summer Games has been approved. He will represent the Vatican City in the ancient event of Guilt Infliction. Though not a sport, the exhibition was included for the first time in the 192 A.D. games in Olympia, Greece when a visiting Pope Victor I, led a growing group of Christians who pointed the boney finger of indignation at scantily clad athletes demanding their immediate removal from the games.

“Guilt’s important,” proclaimed Cardinal Di Palma. “Without guilt, we’re capable of doing many heinous things including murder, stealing and pleasuring ourselves while watching female figure swimmers – as well as a few select male ones. That’s the main reason I’m here – to remind those sick degenerates to get their mind out of the gutter and watch sports that aren’t brimming with sexual temptation. You try and live a celibate lifestyle and have gymnasts pop up on TV with their tight, sublime buttocks and rippling abs. It’s a continuous reminder that we are all nothing but prisoners of our own glands.”

Di Palma has been working out constantly to prepare himself for his event which includes lightning-fast finger pointing, instantaneous issue-appropriate scripture quoting, and the ability to absolve sins from eighty yards away. (more…)

Pennsylvania Man Stunned to Learn Olympic Sausage Eating Event Was Hoax

Monday, February 10th, 2014

Punked a Burnin’ Love. Rich Solinski’s buddies punked him big time.

SOCHI, RUSSIA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Rich Solinski, of Courtdale, Pennsylvania told his family that their Winter vacation wouldn’t be happening this year, because he was using the vacation fund to go to the Olympics in Sochi. Solinski said his friends, Carl Rescavage and Tony Muscato encouraged him to train for the Olympic Sausage Eating Finals.

Solinski spent two months downing Kielbasas, as well as Italian mild and hot sausages at a torrid pace.

“I was ingesting them things whole.” said Solinski, 53, a fork lift operator. “Some might say I had it down to a science, but my pastor said science is the devil’s work. Either way, I was pretty good at it and stuff. Then I showed up in Sochi. That’s when Carl and Tony had their big laugh.” (more…)

As World’s Longest Tennis Match Continues, Actors Portraying Isner and Mahut Prepared to Sub for Isner and Mahut

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

Time for Tea? No. Just plotting the next possible steps in an ongoing tennis match.

LONDON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On Hold at 59-59. Wimbledon. You can toss out the famous Borg-McEnroe tiebreaker of 1980. This match refuses to quit.

For nearly ten hours, American John Isner and Frenchman Nicolas Mahut have battled the elements and each other in the longest tennis match in history  — and its still not over. (more…)