Posts Tagged ‘Los Angeles Lakers’

Kobe to Leave Lakers for Solo Career

Thursday, January 29th, 2015
kobe-bryant-news-conf

Solo can you go? Kobe Bryant announces his decision to start a solo career next season. .

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Kobe Bryant, the enigmatic star of the Los Angeles Lakers announced he was leaving the team to embark on a solo basketball career. Bryant claims creative differences as the reason for his decision.

“It’s been nice touring around with the guys and hearing all the cheers from fans across the country,” said Bryant. “But there are just certain things only a solo career can give me – a more intimate level of communication, a truer expression of my inner voice. It’s really nothing against the guys. I just need the ultimate freedom to create the way I know how to create.” (more…)


Enraged Kobe Bryant Hobbles Amok Through LA With Giant Meat Cleaver

Monday, April 29th, 2013
kobecleaver

Leave it to Cleaver. Kobe vents a bit.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After watching his Lakers get swept out in four games by the San Antonio Spurs, an injured Kobe Bryant secured an immense meat cleaver from the bowels of the Staples Center and began hacking at teammates, opponents, and passersby.

“He just walked in and demanded I fork over the cleaver.” said Jacques Legrande, the Paris-based team nutritionist and chef, as he was preparing a post game meal of Coq au vin, Truffade, Choucroute gamie, and pulled pork. “When he hits you with the death stare, you have no choice but to comply.”  (more…)


Lakers Hide From Kobe After Game 2 Loss on Home Court

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

If you thought his team mates steered clear of Kobe on the floor, they were no where to be seen as he stormed into the locker room looking to pin blame for their Game 2 loss.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) – When it was over, there wasn’t a Laker to be found…anywhere. Only fifteen seconds after the Lakers lost Game 2 to the Boston Celtics, the home team’s locker room was mysteriously empty and if not for the solitary figure of Kobe Bryant calling out his “punkass” team mates and heaving every object not nailed down (including a Japanese reporter), eerily quiet.

“I hate you! I hate you!” fumed Bryant. “I hate you, hate you, hate you!”

Onlookers unfamiliar with Kobe’s juvenile tantrums were as stunned as Staples Center fans who had just witnessed the Lakers lose the second game in the Finals against the (marginally) underdog Celtics.   Kobe was uncharacteristically ineffectual, his frustration mounting as the game progressed. (more…)


Phil Jackson Prepares to Coach 2009-2010 Season from Home Office

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Phil Jackson is getting set to join the legions of working men and women across the country who get up every morning, slip into their bathrobe and slippers, throw some cold water on their face, brew a pot of coffee and take the brief commute to their home office. Citing health concerns, Jackson plans to let assistant coach Kurt Rambis man the sidelines for road games , while Jackson oversees the action from either his home office or via a wi-fi connection at his neighborhood StarBucks.
“The technology’s there, we’ve got a veteran ball club, I think it can work,” said Jackson, via his newly installed webcam. “We had a couple of IT guys in to lay down the network and hook me up with a super-fast connection. I’ll get video streams from the sidelines and I’ve got a guy coming in tomorrow to show me how to diagram plays remotely using this cool new whiteboard technology. The guys don’t need me to be there to hold their hands – and frankly there are stretches during games when there are about a million more productive things I can be doing with my time. Now, instead of sitting there like an idiot, I can hit the proverbial pause button, walk to the refrig, catch up on some reading, or just stare off into space.  By the time the fourth quarter rolls around I’m fresh, alert and engaged. Wish I thought of this sooner.”
Kevin Jackson, a 35 year old network engineer and rabid Lakers’ fan, thinks Jackson’s use of technology can actually improve communications with his team and produce even better results.
“Definitely. After a while players tune you out, even if you are Phil Jackson. You need to find new ways to communicate. And each guy responds differently. After a while Phil will find out which guys like to text, which guys prefer to get their daily motivational koan via email, or which guys need to reamed out via a video chat session.  Once he gets the hang of the technology he’ll be great. Hell, hook him up with an iPhone, plunk him down in a Starbucks and we’re looking at a 70 win season and an 11th ring. Take it to the bank.”
Several veteran coaches found the idea of Jackson’s work-at-home plans intriguing. Pat Riley, who notoriously used fax technology to submit his resignation from the Knicks, considered it “worth looking into.”  New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick, a legendary technophile, could barely restrain his jealousy.
“You mean he gets to sit at home and have no human interaction with his players? And I can get surveillance streams directly to my desktop?  Really? Where do I sign?”

Phil Jackson trades the sideline for the shoreline as he sports new look for upcoming 2009-2010 season.

Phil Jackson trades the sideline for the shoreline as he sports new look for upcoming 2009-2010 season.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Phil Jackson is getting set to join the legions of working men and women across the country who get up every morning, slip into their bathrobe and slippers, throw some cold water on their face, brew a pot of coffee and take the brief commute to their home office. Citing health concerns, Jackson plans to let assistant coach Kurt Rambis man the sidelines for road games , while Jackson oversees the action from either his home office or via a wi-fi connection at his neighborhood StarBucks. (more…)


After Loss, Teammates Bolt on Dwight Howard During Locker Room Trust Fall

Monday, June 15th, 2009

 

 

Who Do You Trust? This guy's got nothing to worry about. Unlike Dwight Howard.

Who Do You Trust? This guy's got nothing to worry about. Unlike Dwight Howard.

 

 

ORLANDO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Los Angeles Lakers won their 15th NBA World Championship on Sunday night defeating the Orlando Magic 99-86.  Kobe Bryant scored 30 points and was named Finals MVP.  

But the real story is what happened in the Magic locker room shortly after the series ended. 

As part of a post game ritual, win or lose, the team participates in a trust fall – a confidence building exercise generally practiced by scouting or youth organizations to promote trust among friends and group members.  This time, coach Stan Van Gundy encouraged big man Dwight Howard to fall back in the waiting arms of his teammates. When he did, he hit the floor hard opening up a four inch gash on the back of his head which required immediate medical attention. 

(more…)


Ron Jeremy Look-alike Stan Van Gundy Has Porn Star Address Team

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009
Magic Coach Stan Van Gundy says the Lakers have no answers for his team's length, width and ability to nail the clutch three-point money shot.

Magic Coach Stan Van Gundy says the Lakers have no answers for his team's length, width and ability to nail the clutch three-point money shot.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Unfairly or not, excitable Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has been called panic-prone, particularly in tense, late-game situations.  Few, however, question Van Gundy’s preparation, as evidenced when he took the unusual extra step of bringing in famed porn star Ron Jeremy  to address the team before Wednesday’s practice. Many have pointed to the striking resemblance between the two, and Van Gundy thought an informal Q&A with the popular adult film star would loosen the team up as they anxiously await Thursday’s opening game against the Los Angeles Lakers.   (more…)