Posts Tagged ‘Miami Dolphins’

Fat, Lazy Slob Enjoying 12th Consecutive Year Without Sports Injury

Thursday, July 14th, 2016
slob2

Breaking Dad. Father of twins just chillin’.

NUTLEY, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Artie Zbyszko, the 275 pound “work from home” father of twin 13 year old boys, generally gets around to dispatching his servicemen and printing out work orders for his air conditioning installation business by 11:00 AM.  This gives him ample time to enjoy three Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwiches® and two cups of coffee every morning while watching the Today Show.

“He builds most of the day around watching television, especially ESPN and COZI TV, the nostalgia programmed network.” laments Lorraine, his wife of 16 years. “I suppose the upside of his sedentary lifestyle is that he hasn’t really had any kind of sports injury in 12 years.”

Zbyszko’s only sports activity is when he reclines in his BarcaLounger®, and shoots baskets in the driveway with his sons, Calvin and Blake.   (more…)


A TSD Classique: Miami Dolphins Fan Announces Retirement Effective Immediately — “If Not Sooner”

Monday, September 28th, 2015

 

Miami Dolphins present fashionable surveillance ankle bracelet to retiring fan Dan Schultz. Organization makes it clear that Schultz’ retirement is binding and irreversible.

DELRAY BEACH, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — Dan Schultz, a fifty-five year old engineer and fanatical Dolphin fan from Delray Beach, startled family, friends and co-workers when earlier today he announced his retirement, having given 45 of his so-called best years to his beloved team.

“I know everyone’s surprised, but I’ve been planning this for years. You can’t be a fan forever, you have to know when to call it quits. It’s time. You want to go out on your own terms, before the team starts to go bad and you still have your health.”

Word of Schultz’s retirement caught many by surprise.

“Frankly, I wasn’t even aware Dan followed the Dolphins,” said Burt Schottenheimer, a colleague. “Monday morning we’d be talking about the game and then Dan would suddenly appear just on the periphery. I don’t recall Dan ever saying boo, even after a particularly bad loss. We’d just notice him off to the side, pacing, silently fuming, with that far-away look in his eye. With Dan you knew just to smile and keep your movements to a minimum.” (more…)


A TSD Classique: Goodyear Blimp Pilot Arrested for Airborne Ogling

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2015

 

Console Peters used to peer into windows and down well-proportioned halter tops. “Oh the inhumanity,” mocked Peters’ attorney Brock Fredericks. “He took pictures of woman without their express written consent, big deal, happens every day. It’s not like he crashed the Hindenburg into the side of the stadium for goodness sake.”

MIAMI, FL (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Brick Peters, a veteran Goodyear blimp pilot who was to helm the Spirit of Innovation for Sunday’s Dolphins-Redskins game, was arrested and charged for using his airship to ogle naked women.

“I just got out of a bath and went into the living room to change a cd when I sensed someone was watching me,” said Sandra Miller of Miami Beach. “I looked out the window and I saw a blimp hovering in the distance, but I said, nah, can’t be. I’m just completely shocked.”

Two weeks ago federal authorities were tipped off to Peters’ regular use of his helium-borne dirigible for illicit spying on naked and/or semi-naked women. Agents with the FBI had been monitoring Peters as he began preparations leading up to Sunday’s game, which included a careful aerial mapping of female-rich locations covering a five mile radius of the stadium. (more…)


From the Archives: Miami Dolphins Fan Announces Retirement Effective Immediately — “If Not Sooner”

Friday, September 19th, 2014

 

 

Miami Dolphins present fashionable surveillance ankle bracelet to retiring fan Dan Schultz (the very same model showcased by Martha Stewart). Organization makes it clear that Schultz’ retirement is binding and irreversible.

DELRAY BEACH, FL (JockStraps Wire Service) — Dan Schultz, a fifty-five year old engineer and fanatical Dolphin fan from Delray Beach, startled family, friends and co-workers when earlier today he announced his retirement, having given 45 of his so-called best years to his beloved team.

“I know everyone’s surprised, but I’ve been planning this for years. You can’t be a fan forever, you have to know when to call it quits. It’s time. You want to go out on your own terms, before the team starts to go bad and you still have your health.”

Word of Schultz’s retirement caught many by surprise.

“Frankly, I wasn’t even aware Dan followed the Dolphins,” said Burt Schottenheimer, a colleague. “Monday morning we’d be talking about the game and then Dan would suddenly appear just on the periphery. I don’t recall Dan ever saying boo, even after a particularly bad loss. We’d just notice him off to the side, pacing, silently fuming, with that far-away look in his eye. With Dan you knew just to smile and keep your movements to a minimum.” (more…)


Richie Incognito Wakes Up to Discover He’s an Enormous Douche Bag

Thursday, November 7th, 2013
incognito

Before and After. Richie Incognito yesterday and this morning.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Miami Dolphins guard Richie Incognito, who is currently suspended by the Miami Dolphins for harassing teammate Jonathan Martin, was aroused from his slumber at 6:30 this morning by the barking of his dogs, Adolph and Benito. When Incognito attempted to get out of bed to take the 5 year old dobermans outside, he realized he was unable to do so.

“Umm…yeah…apparently I’m currently a large douche bag, seemingly with no ability to move.” the former Nebraska Cornhusker told reporters. “Sometimes when you keep hearing you’re a douche bag, you start believing it. The mind is a curious thing. This will pass.” (more…)


HAL 9000 to Take Over Operation of NFL’s Winless Teams

Monday, September 23rd, 2013

 

Major HAL-function? Let’s hope not.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The HAL 9000 computer, first brought to international attention in the 1968 epic science fiction film, 2001: A Space Odyssey, is about to be put to the test in the 21st century in a big way.  HAL will now take over complete control of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Jacksonville Jaguars, New York Giants, Washington Redskins, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers; The remaining winless teams in the NFL.

“The football operations will be handled by HAL, including offensive and defensive schemes, training, conditioning and life support.” said Giants Head Coach, Tom Coughlin. “It’ll be kind of fun to watch, especially should one of the teams suddenly hurtle through space, against the backdrop of slit-scan photography and a dissonant György Ligeti score – because we all know how often that’s happened this season. The HAL 9000 is perfectly equipped to handle such circumstances. I’m not so good at it. HAL has my complete confidence.” (more…)


Dan Marino Grows Record Size Mole Just to Spite Drew Brees

Monday, November 19th, 2012

Personal Growth. Dan Marino isn't playing games.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) At the time of his retirement, Dan Marino sat atop a towering mountain of NFL quarterbacking records. Over the years, those records have been topped at the hands of such stalwarts as Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, and most recently, Drew Brees.

The New Orleans Saints pass thrower in particular has been a thorn in Marino’s side.

“Look folks, I know records are meant to be broken and all, but that little fucker is starting to piss me off.” Marino barked on the 12th tee box at Weston, Florida’s exclusive Rio Rancho Golf Club. “So therefore, I want everyone to know today, I’m officially serving notice.”  (more…)


Jets-Sponsored Anti-Sexual Harassment Program Expanded

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

Have a Nice Trip. The play that triggered it all.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Jets-sponsored Anti-Sexual Harassment Program will be expanded to include sideline conduct by players, team employees and guests the team reported today.  Triggered by the shocking video of a Jets employee tripping Dolphin Nolan Carroll, and supported by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the new expanded program will be 100% funded by the New York Jets organization. (more…)


Dan Marino to Seek Long Awaited Championship Ring With Miami Heat

Friday, July 9th, 2010

Ring Leader? Dan Marino to Join Trio of Doom on Heat Roster.

NFL Hall of Famer to Throw Half Court Passes

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The “decision” came down at 9:27 PM Thursday night when LeBron James announced he’d be taking his act to South Beach and join Dywane Wade and Chris Bosh on the Miami Heat.

This prompted spontaneous proclamations in the palm tree lined streets of the city of a guaranteed championship. That’s when former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino made some news of his own and announced he’d be joining the trio of doom on the Heat’s roster. (more…)