Posts Tagged ‘Miami Heat’

Actors Studio Honcho Says NBA Enables “Culture of Bad Acting”

Friday, March 11th, 2016

According to James Lipton, the insufferable boot-licking host of Actors Studio, NBA “acting” would embarrass even William Shatner.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — There was a time when drama meant a game that went down to the final seconds. Now, it just as often refers to the amateurish over-acting of NBA drama queens who wouldn’t know Constantin Stanislavski from Peja Stoyakavich.  James Lipton, the famously finicky host of Actor’s Studio, says that instead of working the refs, the NBA’s most blatant offenders should spend more time working on their “lamentably under-developed” acting chops. Lipton believes the “epidemic” of lousy acting is making an NBA game harder to sit through than a Steven Seagall movie. “The so-called acting we’re seeing out there on the floor is just abominable – where’s the motivation, where’s the inner anguish…it’s all just externalized claptrap without the emotional ballast that underpins a credible performance,” sniffed Lipton. “The primal shrieks, girlish gasps, absurd flopping, the wide-eyed looks of disbelief, the ironic smirks…bad, bad, bad. Just abysmal.” Lipton shuddered as though he’d just wakened to find himself in a pornographic Ed Wood film. “I’m not saying you can turn Kevin Garnett into Denzel Washington overnight,” said Lipton, “but with training, a Nicholas Cage-caliber performance is well within reach. Let’s face it, a Celtics-Heat game ain’t Shakespeare, but let’s not turn it into a poorly dubbed Japanese horror flick with turnovers, mental lapses and shoddy fourth quarter execution in the final reel.” (more…)


Miami Heat: Chris “Birdman” Andersen Announces Return to Tattoo Parlor

Friday, July 11th, 2014
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Absurd Bird. Birdman has some work to do.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) On the heels of LeBron James’ return to Cleveland, and what promises to be a revolving door of roster moves, the Miami Heat announced today that Power Forward, Chris “Birdman” Andersen will return to Billy Joe’s Tattoo Gallery for the 2014-15 season.

“I need to keep up appearances, and quite frankly, there are a few square inches on me that need to be inked up,” said Andersen. “The underside of my scrotal sac for example is largely bare, as well as the inside of my eyelids. So we’re exploring our options. Of course I’ll need at least a year to adjust emotionally.”

The Heat as well aren’t leaving any stone unturned. (more…)


Each Miami Heat Player Wins Case of Schlitz and Summer of Indescribable Anguish

Monday, June 16th, 2014
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Shame on James. LeBron couldn’t go for three.

SAN ANTONIO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) A threepeat was not part of the Miami Heat’s destiny, as they were manhandled in last night’s Game 5 of the NBA Finals by the San Antonio Spurs. But the Heat each player on the two-time defending champs will not walk away empty handed. Each member of the roster will receive a case of Schlitz brand beer, which will temporarily numb, but ultimately magnify a long, smothering, summer of indescribable anguish. (more…)


Truthers Claim Last Two Miami Heat Championships Didn’t Really Happen

Thursday, June 12th, 2014
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Truth Decay. Reality might be escaping this young fella.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Truthers, those who routinely reject accepted and often undeniable evidence that events unfold as they are seen, are now claiming the Miami Heat didn’t not win the last two NBA titles.

“Everyone is living in the matrix dude.” said Darren Rattinger, a member of Truth in Sports, a “conspiracy-fact” group from an undisclosed location in the Pacific Northwest. “Nothing is what it seems, nothing! That alleged shot that Ray Allen hit with 5.2 seconds remaining in last year’s Game 6 was simply a CGI glitch. The ball actually never went into the hoop. I’ve reviewed endless hours of video tape from several angles, and the ball went behind the hoop. The flock of ‘sheeple’ will believe what they want and deny that the Heat are actually a splinter group of the U.S. Government, but I have the proof. Oh, and by the way, the guy that everyone believes was Ray Allen, was actually character actor, Michael Steven Lord. Lord has portrayed a family member of a shooting victim, a magician, and now Ray Allen.”

Rattinger believes the Heat actually lost Game 6 last year and were knocked out in five games the year before. (more…)


Neil deGrasse Tyson Predicts Miami Heat Near Cataclysmic Supernova

Tuesday, June 10th, 2014
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Agony of da Heat. Dr. T says, “this one’s gonna be hot.”

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The man who has one again popularized science, is predicting a high level, CGI-infused, inevitable conclusion to a dynamic star in sports — and it ain’t gonna be pretty.

(more…)


Crazed Heat Fan Alive After Nail Biting Mishap

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014
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Bite Nite. Larry Kinsey is working it hard.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Sunday’s Game 1 between the Charlotte Bobcats and the host Miami Heat was pretty much what everyone expected — a Heat victory. Though apparently the opening series intensity was a bit much for one fan.  Larry Kinsey couldn’t stop biting his nails in the fourth quarter which resulted in a bloody mess. The scene nauseated his squeamish girlfriend Melissa as she ran for cover.

“It’s the same kind of nail biting I do when I owe my bookie money.” said Kinsey. “I just started gnawing and gnawing. Eventually, blood spewed everywhere. I must have hit an artery and ‘sweet tomatoes’ it was like a fire hose went off.”  (more…)


PARADE UPDATE: Evil Clown Puts Damper on Miami Heat Celebration

Monday, June 24th, 2013

Heat Down. Heat fans find themselves despondent when Giggles is around.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) As the Miami Heat put an exclamation point on their second straight championship season with a parade through downtown today, Mr. Giggles, the out of work, evil clown has thrown a wrench in the works.

“I’ll give them a celebration they’ll not soon forget!” chimed the 54 year old unemployed circus performer who initially appeared as a harmless float accoutrement waving to fans alongside Heat players Chris Anderson and Mike Miller. Things suddenly took at turn for the worst at approximately 11:13 AM.

Giggles (AKA, Nathan Gordon Castle) ingested bath salts and began eating the faces off of several float operators.  (more…)


Miami Heat Fan Suddenly Stops Partying After Realizing He Had Nothing to Do With Championship

Friday, June 21st, 2013
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Agony of DeHeat. Lorenzo Ward slowly puts it all together.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Lorenzo Ward took to the streets outside American Airlines Arena as the final seconds ticked away during Game 7 of Thursday night’s NBA Championship. When the Miami Heat finally clinched the title 95-88 over the San Antonio Spurs, Ward, along with friends Lonnie Miller, Hector Gutierrez and Reggie Philips got lost in a sea of humanity blowing whistles, banging pots and pans, and enjoying healthy swigs from neatly concealed adult beverages.

They partied for nearly an hour, screaming “we’re number one!” and “we did it!”

It was about this time that Ward was suddenly struck with the realization that he is not part of the “we” at all. In fact, the Heat would have won the title had he, or his friends never existed. (more…)


In Confusion of Celebration, Lebron Leaves Pissed Off Mom in Arena Parking Lot at 4AM

Friday, June 22nd, 2012

"Where for art thou, King James?" Lebron's mom Gloria, in a "not too happy" moment.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Gloria James was front and center and very much caught up in the hysteria Thursday night when the Miami Heat defeated the Oklahoma City Thunder for the NBA Championship. But the mother of series MVP, Lebron James wasn’t too happy when her superstar son left her alone in the American Airlines Arena player’s parking lot at 4:00 AM.

“Everyone was still out on the street at four in the morning beating their pots and pans and drinking champagne and beer and running around like assholes, and there I am with my hands on my hips waiting for L, and where is he? said the elder James. “I had to hitch a ride with Pat Riley’s wife.” (more…)


Knicks Still Alive But Large, Ominous Cyst Appears in Locker Room

Monday, May 7th, 2012

Melo Fellow. Carmelo Anthony dropped 41 on Heat, but was overshadowed by large mass.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The New York Knicks rode a 41 point performance by Carmelo Anthony, staving off elimination and defeating the heavily favored Miami Heat on Sunday, pushing the series to a Game 5.

“We’re still alive!” said point guard Baron Davis.

Davis’ enthusiasm was quickly quelled when a large, grey, spongey mass rolled into the locker room seconds after the victory interfering with reporters questions, and players toweling off. The near 12 meter object was reported to give off the faint whiff of despair.  (more…)


LeBron James Excited Abbreviated Season Will Limit Choking Opportunities

Monday, November 28th, 2011

The Crying James. LeBron hopes flying under the radar will allow him to avoid moments like these.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The lockout is over, and the NBA is back. With a proposed 66 game abbreviated schedule, regular season action will commence on Christmas Day. Once again, the Miami Heat are favored to go deep into the post season and perhaps bring home a championship. One of the team’s “big three” superstars, Lebron James, believes his proclivity for choking in the clutch may possibly fly under the radar this season for several reasons.

“It’s kinda cool.” chimed James. “With less games, my percentage of really sucking in the clutch goes down, and because people are really annoyed with the whole league anyway, less people will come out to see the games. Oh, and there’s some sweet ass reality shows on this season which is much more interesting than watching us play say, uh, the (Golden State) Warriors on the road.” (more…)


LeBron James Stoked to Learn His NBA 2K11 Video Likeness Wins Championship

Monday, November 7th, 2011

Virtual James. LeBron finally gets to hoist the trophy.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Even as a 2011-12 NBA season seems more and more unlikely, fourteen year old Hector Gutierrez couldn’t be happier. That’s because he managed to commandeer the Miami Heat, and LeBron James in particular, to an NBA Finals title in the wildly popular NBA 2K11 game on his XBOX 360.

“Finally!” chimed the high school freshman. “The only way that asshole’s ever gonna win anything is in my more than capable hands.”

Gutierrez coaxed an eye popping 58 points out of James who led the Heat to a Game 7 rout of the Los Angeles Lakers, controlled by Connor Grant who lives across the street. (more…)