Posts Tagged ‘Miami Marlins’

Creepy Dummy Freaking Out Marlins’ Bullpen Pitchers

Thursday, September 8th, 2016


Dummy Up. When Willy is around, pitchers pay attention.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Not only are the Miami Marlins’ post season hopes fading fast, buy they now must endure the unyielding, horrific glare of Willy, the abandoned dummy in seat 18, row, 3, section 13 at Marlins Park.

“Somehow that dummy just finds it’s way into that seat day after day.” said Marlins hurler Mike Dunn. “It stares at you. You feel it watching you. Then, suddenly it’s gone and reappears in different parts of the park – that evil grin and unblinking eyes fixated on you. Christ all mighty! Make it stop.” (more…)

A TSD Classique: Marlins Hold Throwback Food Night Using Vintage Food

Friday, June 10th, 2016

To Have and Have Rot. Marlins food promotion goes sour.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a promotion intended simply as a nostalgic tip of the cap to classic ballpark food, the Miami Marlins made the gross error of selling leftover, vintage food from the 1960s.

“We contacted Papadakis Food Service and they apparently had some comestibles from the late 60s,” said Assistant Promotions Director, Jerry Lassiter. “I thought they meant the recipes originated in the late 60s. Oops.”  (more…)

A TSD Classique: Marlins Trade for Bad News Bears’ Timmy Lupus; Expect Bump in Attendance

Friday, March 25th, 2016

Snot Kidding! Lupus is a Marlin.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Needing help in nearly every department, the Miami Marlins have traded for the Bad News Bears’ Timmy Lupus. The fictional, light-hitting, poor-fielding outfielder is expected to give the last place Marlins a boost in attendance, which is at the bottom of Major League Baseball.

“We’re fully aware of Timmy’s colossal limitations.” said team General Manager, Dan Jennings. “But we’re banking on his overall cuteness, and sweet yet pathetic underdog qualities to put fannies in the seats and motivate his teammates. Let’s not forget, Timmy’s been to the post-season, made an historic catch, and is brimming with mucus, should one of our pitchers want to put a little something extra on the baseball, if you catch my thinly-veiled drift.”

Marlins’ Single A affiliate, the Greensboro Grasshoppers, shipped 22 year old outfielder, Chaz Slavish to the Bears in exchange for Lupus and cash considerations.  (more…)

Marlins Will Suspend Common Courtesy to Fans For All Home Games

Tuesday, February 16th, 2016

Crowd Control. These Marlins fans experiencing a taste of the new team edict before it became official.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With a long and proud history of poor decision-making, the Miami Marlins will suspend common courtesy extended to fans before, during, and after home games for the 2016 season. This will include the perimeter of the ballpark including parking lots.

“We’ve exhibited a cool, measured disdain — essentially a towering middle finger — to the league and the media since we took over” Marlins President, David Samson chimed. “Now we want to include the fans. Therefore, beginning now, every employee from the ushers and security folks right down to the food service workers and parking lot attendants will treat fans to the same seething glares, mistrust, and emotional abuse our highest level officials enjoy. Think of it as just paying it forward.” (more…)

FEATURE: Curse of Sophie Continues to Hang Over Miami Marlins After Seven Years

Monday, August 31st, 2015

By Allison Testrake





MIAMI (Special to TSD) Though no one in the Miami Marlins organization will officially or freely admit it, the Curse of Sophie has been haunting the ball club for five years. There have of course been supposed curses on baseball teams in the past like the Curse of the Bambino on the Boston Red Sox and the Curse of Billy Penn on the Philadelphia Phillies. Both of those curses have been lifted over the past few years as both ball clubs have won championships. The Billy Goat Curse that sits like a dark cloud over the Chicago Cubs continues to this day, as the Northsiders haven’t played in a World Series since 1945, and haven’t won one since 1908.

Conversely, the Curse of Sophie is relatively new, but apparently packs a powerful wallop. Personally, I’m not much into curses, but this one admittedly has an intriguing backstory. (more…)

Budget Conscious Marlins 2015 Promotion: Bring Canned Goods and…Eat Them Yourself

Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

Italian Night. Marlins really making concessions.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With a payroll looking like the budget of an independent movie, the Miami Marlins will field a team of mostly young, inexperienced  players going into the 2015 season. After 2012’s failed high priced experiment to usher in a new era with a new team name and brand new ballpark, team ownership took a financial about face in 2013 and 2014, and that’s going to continue. With opening day just a week away, the team isn’t wasting time in getting ready for the upcoming season.  (more…)

Marlins Finally Hire New Organist; Claims He’ll Revolutionize Baseball

Wednesday, June 5th, 2013

Organ-ically Hip. The Phantom’s gonna rock Marlins Park.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) After an exhaustive search, Miami Marlins ownership opened up their wallet and inked perhaps the most famous organist in history, Erik, better known as the Phantom of the Opera.

The Phantom is expected to join the team for their home stand beginning June 25th, against the Minnesota Twins.

“We’ll need to go over repertoire, when to play the “charge” theme, and permanently psychologically scar our tens of fans by removing his mask to reveal that hideous face during the 7th inning stretch.” said Alex Fontaine, In-Game Creative Director. “Of course most of the psychological scaring will have already been provided by our team’s play.” (more…)

Medicated Douche Product Wins Naming Rights to Ozzie Guillen

Thursday, May 10th, 2012

El Doucho. Ozzie Guillen has got himself a sponsor.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) VH Essentials®, makers of a medicated douche concentrate, have announced they have won the naming rights to Miami Marlins manager, Ozzie Guillen, beating out Quilted Northern® toilet paper and Vagi Cure® Anti Itch Cream.

The controversial Guillen, known for speaking his mind, has had a long history of putting his foot in his mouth often causing problems for his employers. Most recently, his favorable spin on Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro earned the wrath of South Florida’s large Cuban community. And just this week when a Houston based reporter asked about it, he responded with a Scarface like retort.

VH Essentials is breaking new ground by endorsing a baseball manager.  (more…)

Ozzie Guillen Calls Obama “Kinda Cool”; Millions of Republicans Outraged

Wednesday, April 11th, 2012

Ozzie Does It. Marlins skipper damned for Obama praise.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Already suspended for five games for his praise of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen got into more hot water yesterday when he heaped props on sitting American President Barack Obama.

Walking out of his press conference on Tuesday, an unidentified reporter asked the 48 year old skipper about his feelings for our current president. “Obama? Yeah, he’s kinda cool.” said Guillen.

Almost immediately, moderate and right ring members of the GOP demanded his ouster.  (more…)