Operate on this Biotch! Hall of Famer basketball legend Julius Dr. J Erving had to take a break from this autograph signing session to save Horace Finster by removing his appendix.

SANTA FE, NM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Julius Erving, the high flying basketball legend who almost singlehandedly put the old ABA (American Basketball Association) on the sports landscape, and later led the Philadelphia 76ers to four NBA finals in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, was certainly used to operating on the floor. However, the “Doctor” or “Dr. J” as he was called, had to do a different kind of operating yesterday.

Erving, who was in Santa Fe, New Mexico for an autograph show, signed hundreds of pictures, basketballs and apparel for adoring fans. About an hour into the event, 49 year old Horace Finster, who described himself as one of Erving’s biggest fans, suddenly collapsed to the floor grasping the right side of his abdomen writhing in pain. (more…)

Got Lame. George “Set Shot” Slavish launches a shot in this 1948 photo when he played in a semi-pro league in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He led the league in scoring that year with 6.0 average.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — At age eighty-five, George Slavish still played pick up basketball three times a week in the Scranton Over Seventy League. Though he long ago lost his respectable dribbling abilities and trick shot making skills, his on court savvy never abandoned him. But Slavish’s days in basketball ended suddenly last Tuesday after he managed to steal a ball from seventy-seven year old Abe Kitzman. While attempting to make an open court layup as several teammates and opponents were gasping for oxygen, Slavish collapsed to the hardwoods, the victim of a massive stroke.

“He made that play with all the alacrity of a sea turtle – it was profoundly mundane – lame, but serviceable. That’s our George,” said teammate Jimmy Ligouri. It took ninety-one year old coach Arnie Kotch forty-four minutes to figure out how to dial 911. (more…)

Outta the Hoop. Corey Adams has been stuck in the same day in 1967 for forty-five years. Here is the last known photo of Adams as he prepares for a college game (circa 1966). He will be transported to 2012 next week and begin an NBA career that’s been stalled for decades.

TRENTON, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  — Corey Adams is 22 years old, and by his own admission hasn’t been able step out of the 1960’s. But he’s not speaking figuratively. Adams is not a 21st century kid living in the past by listening to his dad’s old Beatles 45’s or watching Get Smart on YouTube. He’s actually stuck in a time-space continuum and has lived the same day over and over, March 12, 1967, for the past forty-five years.

Adams has been able to communicate with those living in 2012 through a tiny spatial wormhole located just behind the tube of Brycreem on his dresser. (more…)

Taking His Act on the Road. Ref Derrick Stafford plays the role of peacemaker with aplomb.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Veteran NBA referee Derrick Stafford admitted he only got into officiating professional basketball to meet film director and New York Knicks fan, Spike Lee.

“You want the truth? You got the truth, ok?” said the 56 year old Stafford. “I’m an aspiring actor. I’ve done summer stock, and appeared as ‘the guy walking the dog in the background slightly out of focus’ in a 1994 Tampax commercial. I really believe I can impress Spike if he only saw me do my thing. Up until now all he’s seen me do is to make as many calls in the Knicks favor without it looking too suspicious. By the way Spike, I also play jazz trumpet if you’re reading this article and need a little somethin’-somethin’ for your next jazz biopic.”

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The Crying James. LeBron hopes flying under the radar will allow him to avoid moments like these.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The lockout is over, and the NBA is back. With a proposed 66 game abbreviated schedule, regular season action will commence on Christmas Day. Once again, the Miami Heat are favored to go deep into the post season and perhaps bring home a championship. One of the team’s “big three” superstars, Lebron James, believes his proclivity for choking in the clutch may possibly fly under the radar this season for several reasons.

“It’s kinda cool.” chimed James. “With less games, my percentage of really sucking in the clutch goes down, and because people are really annoyed with the whole league anyway, less people will come out to see the games. Oh, and there’s some sweet ass reality shows on this season which is much more interesting than watching us play say, uh, the (Golden State) Warriors on the road.” (more…)

O death, where is thy bling? LeBron James has not only developed a scarily dead-on Swedish accent, but a fatalistic persona that’s really bumming people out.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The soap opera that is the life of LeBron James has taken another baffling turn. Miami Heat players and management are trying to determine how their newest superstar, LeBron James has suddenly taken on an almost total and nearly perfect Swedish accent. After suffering a rare 111-105 loss to the lowly Clippers Wednesday night in Los Angeles, the accent magically appeared.

“I’ve been around basketball for over forty years, and I’ve seen a lot,” said Heat GM Pat Riley. “But I have absolutely no explanation for this at all. What can I say? Uh, he did go shopping at IKEA once.”

But teammates insist Riley is misinformed and that James has become obsessed with the Swedish furniture chain spending hours rummaging through their small, but surprisingly well-stocked imported food area. (more…)

Lock Blocked. LeBron's keys just ain't gettin' it done.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) LeBron James along with his Miami Heat teammates put a thumping on the hometown Cleveland Cavaliers last night 118-90. James scored a game high 38 points to lead Miami against his old team. James was determined to prove his commitment to the Heat and prove his work ethic to the Cavs, but when he showed up at Quicken Loans Arena seven hours before game time, he was met with an unpleasant surprise.

“I still had my old key,” said James. “I tried to unlock the door at the south employees entrance, but it didn’t work anymore. That was a little embarrassing since I was with my cousins Darnell, Luke, and Carl. I was standing there like a total dick with a big ass smile on my face trying to make it seem like the door was stuck. Damn, when Dan Gilbert holds a grudge, he holds a grudge.” (more…)

Wings Clipped in '10. This Thanksgiving, there's not much celebrating going on.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the worst record in the NBA and living in the shadow of the Lakers for eternity, the Los Angeles Clippers find themselves struggling to find just one thing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

“Well, let’s see,” a clearly depressed Chris Kaman contemplated. “I’m alive. That’s something. Although most people seven feet or taller don’t always live what are considered full lives. Mainly because the heart muscle is so taxed to pump blood to the extremities they’re generally dead before age 60. OK, wow. That’s really depressing. On second thought, maybe I’m not thankful for anything.”

Kaman isn’t the only member of the team who finds it a challenge to be grateful this holiday. (more…)

A Beautiful Mine. The celebration goes on and on as Shaq's career is unearthed.

COPIAPO, CHILE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The positive and inspiring news from Chile that thirty three miners were found alive and subsequently rescued from a Chilean mine got even better this morning as rescuers produced what is believed to be the career of Shaquille O’Neal from a depth of 2,500 feet below the surface.

“I’m not even really into basketball,” said rescue worker Manuel Rivera. “But this is pretty cool. I’ve heard the great Shaq Diesel’s career has been in the proverbial shitter for at least four seasons. So, from what I’m told, this is a very unexpected and pleasant surprise.”

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When Irish Eyes Are Smilin'. This smile means you're through.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Boston Celtics are just one win away from capturing their eighteenth NBA championship. The series will shift back to Los Angeles for Game 6, placing the Lakers in a must win situation. But many Lakers have stopped focusing on winning anything after what happened yesterday after their 92-86 loss. (more…)

Twelve Inch J. Magic Coach Stan Van Gundy says the Lakers have no answers for his team's length, width and ability to nail the clutch three-point money shot.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Unfairly or not, excitable Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has been called panic-prone, particularly in tense, late-game situations.  Few, however, question Van Gundy’s preparation, as evidenced when he took the unusual extra step of bringing in famed porn star Ron Jeremy  to address the team before Thursday’s practice. Many have pointed to the striking resemblance between the two, and Van Gundy thought an informal Q&A with the popular adult film star would loosen the team up as they anxiously await Friday’s game six against the Boston Celtics. (more…)

You've Been Served. The L.A. Clippers were force fed this restraining order before game time.

SACRAMENTO (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) It was a battle of two teams with woeful losing records. The question was – which team would add a game to the loss column?  The Sacramento Kings upended the L.A. Clippers last night 116-94. But The Clippers are claiming it’s because the Kings issued a restraining order on their entire team.

“It’s pretty tough to play man-to-man or establish position when you’ve got a court issued retraining order hangin’ over your ass,” said Clippers big man Deandre Jordan. “We had to keep at least eight feet away from each Kings player. The damn score would have been a lot worse than it was if those douche bags had better jumpers.” (more…)