Posts Tagged ‘NBA’

Dr. J Forced to Perform Emergency Appendectomy

Monday, July 25th, 2016

Thanks Doc. Julius saves the day.

SANTA FE, NM (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Julius Erving, the high flying basketball legend who almost singlehandedly put the old ABA (American Basketball Association) on the sports landscape, and later led the Philadelphia 76ers to four NBA finals in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s, was certainly used to operating on the floor. However, the “Doctor” or “Dr. J” as he was called, had to do a different kind of operating yesterday.

Erving, who was in Santa Fe, New Mexico for an autograph show, signed hundreds of pictures, basketballs and apparel for adoring fans. About an hour into the event, 49 year old Horace Finster, who described himself as one of Erving’s biggest fans, suddenly collapsed to the floor grasping the right side of his abdomen writhing in pain. (more…)

George “Set Shot” Slavish Dies During Unspectacular Open Court Layup

Tuesday, April 26th, 2016

Got Lame. George “Set Shot” Slavish launches a shot in this 1948 photo when he played in a semi-pro league in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He led the league in scoring that year with 6.0 average.

SCRANTON, PA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — At age eighty-five, George Slavish still played pick up basketball three times a week in the Scranton Over Seventy League. Though he long ago lost his respectable dribbling abilities and trick shot making skills, his on court savvy never abandoned him. But Slavish’s days in basketball ended suddenly last Tuesday after he managed to steal a ball from seventy-seven year old Abe Kitzman. While attempting to make an open court layup as several teammates and opponents were gasping for oxygen, Slavish collapsed to the hardwoods, the victim of a massive stroke.

“He made that play with all the alacrity of a sea turtle – it was profoundly mundane – lame, but serviceable. That’s our George,” said teammate Jimmy Ligouri. It took ninety-one year old coach Arnie Kotch forty-four minutes to figure out how to dial 911. (more…)

A TSD Classique: Twenty-two Year Old Stuck in 1967 to Finally Get His Shot at the NBA

Tuesday, June 16th, 2015
Outta the Hoop. Corey Adams has been stuck in the same day in 1967 for forty-one years. Here is the last known photo of Adams as he prepares for a college game (circa 1966). He will be transported to 2009 next week and begin an NBA career that’s been stalled for decades.

Outta the Hoop. Corey Adams has been stuck in the same day in 1967 for forty-five years. Here is the last known photo of Adams as he prepares for a college game (circa 1966). He will be transported to 2014 next week and begin an NBA career this fall that’s been stalled for decades.

TRENTON, NJ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)  — Corey Adams is 22 years old, and by his own admission hasn’t been able step out of the 1960’s. But he’s not speaking figuratively. Adams is not a 21st century kid living in the past by listening to his dad’s old Beatles 45’s or watching Get Smart on YouTube. He’s actually stuck in a time-space continuum and has lived the same day over and over, March 12, 1967, for the past forty-five years.

Adams has been able to communicate with those living in 2014 through a tiny spatial wormhole located just behind the tube of Brycreem on his dresser. (more…)

Celtics’ Evil Leprechaun Terrorizes Locker Room

Tuesday, March 17th, 2015

When Irish Eyes Are Smilin’. This smile means you’re through.

BOSTON (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The Boston Celtics have won five in a row and are still gunning for a slot in the post-season, but many Celtics players have stopped focusing on playing after what happened yesterday after their 108-89 victory over Philadelphia. (more…)

Donald Sterling Attempts Damage Control By Buying Clippers’ Players Popsicles

Monday, May 12th, 2014

PopSterling. The embattled LA Clippers owner extends an olive branch.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In an effort to repair irreparable damage, a despondent and tattered Donald Sterling swung by the Staples Center to drop off a case of Popsicles® for his players.

“I got grape, cherry and orange,” the 80 year old reputed bigot chimed. “The fellas might like a cool treat. I even got a few extras for some of the starters.”

Sterling is wrestling with the notion of generosity and caring for the first time in his life, but feels starting out small is the way to go. (more…)

Miami Heat Fan Suddenly Stops Partying After Realizing He Had Nothing to Do With Championship

Friday, June 21st, 2013

Agony of DeHeat. Lorenzo Ward slowly puts it all together.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Lorenzo Ward took to the streets outside American Airlines Arena as the final seconds ticked away during Game 7 of Thursday night’s NBA Championship. When the Miami Heat finally clinched the title 95-88 over the San Antonio Spurs, Ward, along with friends Lonnie Miller, Hector Gutierrez and Reggie Philips got lost in a sea of humanity blowing whistles, banging pots and pans, and enjoying healthy swigs from neatly concealed adult beverages.

They partied for nearly an hour, screaming “we’re number one!” and “we did it!”

It was about this time that Ward was suddenly struck with the realization that he is not part of the “we” at all. In fact, the Heat would have won the title had he, or his friends never existed. (more…)

NBA Ref Admits to Officiating Just to Meet Spike Lee

Thursday, December 13th, 2012
Taking His Act on the Road. Ref Derrick Stafford plays the role of peacemaker with aplomb.

Taking His Act on the Road. Ref Derrick Stafford plays the role of peacemaker with aplomb.

NEW YORK (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Veteran NBA referee Derrick Stafford admitted he only got into officiating professional basketball to meet film director and New York Knicks fan, Spike Lee.

“You want the truth? You got the truth, ok?” said the 56 year old Stafford. “I’m an aspiring actor. I’ve done summer stock, and appeared as ‘the guy walking the dog in the background slightly out of focus’ in a 1994 Tampax commercial. I really believe I can impress Spike if he only saw me do my thing. Up until now all he’s seen me do is to make as many calls in the Knicks favor without it looking too suspicious. By the way Spike, I also play jazz trumpet if you’re reading this article and need a little somethin’-somethin’ for your next jazz biopic.”


LeBron James Excited Abbreviated Season Will Limit Choking Opportunities

Monday, November 28th, 2011

The Crying James. LeBron hopes flying under the radar will allow him to avoid moments like these.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The lockout is over, and the NBA is back. With a proposed 66 game abbreviated schedule, regular season action will commence on Christmas Day. Once again, the Miami Heat are favored to go deep into the post season and perhaps bring home a championship. One of the team’s “big three” superstars, Lebron James, believes his proclivity for choking in the clutch may possibly fly under the radar this season for several reasons.

“It’s kinda cool.” chimed James. “With less games, my percentage of really sucking in the clutch goes down, and because people are really annoyed with the whole league anyway, less people will come out to see the games. Oh, and there’s some sweet ass reality shows on this season which is much more interesting than watching us play say, uh, the (Golden State) Warriors on the road.” (more…)

After Startling Loss, LeBron James Inexplicably Acquires Swedish Accent

Thursday, January 13th, 2011

O death, where is thy bling? LeBron James has not only developed a scarily dead-on Swedish accent, but a fatalistic persona that’s really bumming people out.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) — The soap opera that is the life of LeBron James has taken another baffling turn. Miami Heat players and management are trying to determine how their newest superstar, LeBron James has suddenly taken on an almost total and nearly perfect Swedish accent. After suffering a rare 111-105 loss to the lowly Clippers Wednesday night in Los Angeles, the accent magically appeared.

“I’ve been around basketball for over forty years, and I’ve seen a lot,” said Heat GM Pat Riley. “But I have absolutely no explanation for this at all. What can I say? Uh, he did go shopping at IKEA once.”

But teammates insist Riley is misinformed and that James has become obsessed with the Swedish furniture chain spending hours rummaging through their small, but surprisingly well-stocked imported food area. (more…)

Lebron Goes Home Again; Finds Locks Changed

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

Lock Blocked. LeBron's keys just ain't gettin' it done.

CLEVELAND (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) LeBron James along with his Miami Heat teammates put a thumping on the hometown Cleveland Cavaliers last night 118-90. James scored a game high 38 points to lead Miami against his old team. James was determined to prove his commitment to the Heat and prove his work ethic to the Cavs, but when he showed up at Quicken Loans Arena seven hours before game time, he was met with an unpleasant surprise.

“I still had my old key,” said James. “I tried to unlock the door at the south employees entrance, but it didn’t work anymore. That was a little embarrassing since I was with my cousins Darnell, Luke, and Carl. I was standing there like a total dick with a big ass smile on my face trying to make it seem like the door was stuck. Damn, when Dan Gilbert holds a grudge, he holds a grudge.” (more…)

LA Clippers Struggle to Come Up With One Thing to Be Thankful For on Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

Wings Clipped in '10. This Thanksgiving, there's not much celebrating going on.

LOS ANGELES (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) With the worst record in the NBA and living in the shadow of the Lakers for eternity, the Los Angeles Clippers find themselves struggling to find just one thing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

“Well, let’s see,” a clearly depressed Chris Kaman contemplated. “I’m alive. That’s something. Although most people seven feet or taller don’t always live what are considered full lives. Mainly because the heart muscle is so taxed to pump blood to the extremities they’re generally dead before age 60. OK, wow. That’s really depressing. On second thought, maybe I’m not thankful for anything.”

Kaman isn’t the only member of the team who finds it a challenge to be grateful this holiday. (more…)

Shaq’s Career Found Intact at Bottom of Chilean Mine; It’s Alive

Thursday, October 14th, 2010

A Beautiful Mine. The celebration goes on and on as Shaq's career is unearthed.

COPIAPO, CHILE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The positive and inspiring news from Chile that thirty three miners were found alive and subsequently rescued from a Chilean mine got even better this morning as rescuers produced what is believed to be the career of Shaquille O’Neal from a depth of 2,500 feet below the surface.

“I’m not even really into basketball,” said rescue worker Manuel Rivera. “But this is pretty cool. I’ve heard the great Shaq Diesel’s career has been in the proverbial shitter for at least four seasons. So, from what I’m told, this is a very unexpected and pleasant surprise.”